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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
it's MY TURN NOW!!! 
28th-Feb-2005 09:32 pm
Kieran
yes, you heard me right. it's MY TURN now. i have a new found freedom with that release of anger i had earlier. i have a confidence now that i have power. a power that puts ME in control. no one will ever take advantage of me again. i will only do what I WANT to do. I get to CHOOSE now. I set my boundaries and NO ONE gets to cross them unless I ALLOW them to. that includes justin, friends, family, enemies... it's MY TURN now and i get to choose. no...justin will not tell me what to do. church won't tell me what to do. IF i obey them it's because I wanted to, not because I have to or should. i guess i am feeling a little bit rebellious right now. i think that's a good thing... i was never allowed to explore and set my own boundaries before. can you tell i think i've discovered ME today? lol. well, i only pray i make wise decisions. cuz i'm gonna have to take full responsibility of them when i'm empowered and make them. but i get to make them now. justin may have his hands full...you all should pray for him! lol. i can already sense in my attitude the smell of independance and rebellion. i am kind of excited though that i get to learn, explore, choose. oh yes, it is all about me! lol. but i am powerful now. except that i can't get the lid off the apple juice right now...can anybody help me with that? grr... okay, so i'm pretty powerful, but not all the way yet. but that fixable...i'm gonna probably enroll in some death threatening sport now to gain what i lack! lol. but seriously, i want to explore my boundaries. enforce them my way. and choose when not to have them at all. it's my turn to decide and no one can make me do anything i don't want to. justin is glad for me for that, yet he said he is concerned i will begin to express everything i've always repressed as part of my brain healing.... i assume he means the teenage years i missed...the times when i should have rebelled but never did. maybe he's right? hmmmm... so i hope i make good decisions, i'm gonna have to remember God in all this. that i don't forget Him in my freedom. that if i desire to look for fulfillment in different areas i will remember that He is the One who satisfies. not the things of this world. but i think the door of temptation is opening. i hope i will pass, but at the same time, i will walk in the knowledge of grace. not that i will take grace for granted. i just want to make sure that if i do make mistakes i live them out in grace and learn from them. but i'm going to allow myself the freedom to choose, even if that means to choose wrongly and make mistakes. i just pray i will find my satisfaction in Christ so that i do not ruin what He has already done.

on a different note, justin asked me about what i am going to do if next time i talk to jeff he wants to discuss his past. i'm not saying i have this all certain yet, but here are my thoughts... one, the jeff i know today is not the jeff of early years who molested. *blah...i'm gonna have to wash my mouth out with soap for saying that 'm' word!* so i can remain his friend, however there are some boundaries that I am making. he may share, but in no way will i pity him or help him carry his burden of shame and guilt-period! no matter what his sob story or home life was like...no matter if he had it done to him first. it is no excuse. i will grant him sympathy if that is the case, but no excuse. i am glad he is remorseful and willing to struggle to overcome, however, i WILL NOT allow him to share just so that he feels better about himself. I WiLL NOT carry the burden of the abuser and the victim. he must carry it all by himself. if he wants help with that, he will have to seek it elsewhere like in counseling. I WILL NOT comfort him in this. I will NOT validate his experience or downplay what he did because he is my friend. NO, because he is my friend i will be brutally honest with him, if he asks i will tell him what an awful and shameful thing this is that he did. and i will let him swallow that reality by himself. i will not be mean to him for the sake of being mean or vengeful, but i will not apologize for revealing the harsh reality of it. i will not apologize for any consequences that may result from that. i will not carry any of his blame. he must take it in full responsibility. i may use him to gain insight into the mind of a beast, to maybe help answer some unresolved questions. not to counsel him in it, but for my own sake. i will let him know honestly how it makes me feel. and if i at any time want to cease talking about it, i will end the conversation at my choosing. he is my friend, but this is MY COURT! you play by MY RULES now or you don't play at all. *ahem*

so these are MY boundaries. this is MY LIFE. these are MY RULES enforced with MY POWER. and i will hurt you till you see the ends of yesterday and tomorrow meet if you break them. when i say "NO!" i mean "NOOOO!!!!!" got it??? victims aren't as weak as you think. i am not here to dump on. i am moving on. you can stay here if you want, but i ain't picking up your weight for you! i will NOT carry your shame for you. It is MY TURN NOW!!!!!

BOOM! Hear the thunder? I am moving on. don't mess with me any longer. you will regret it!
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