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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
SideNote 
28th-Jul-2007 01:24 pm
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've existed, on here...Everything's been going well, pretty much and to be perfectly honest, I thought that I was "better and didn't need LJ anymore

*rolls eyes at self* so, as you can see, I'm still as lost as ever

So to catch up anyone who bothers to read this (bless you for reading, by the way. I'm not really expecting anyone to read this), Steve took Matt and I on vactation to this house in the Bahamas that his friend owns, and we stayed there for about a week. 

I came back nicely tanned and really happy. Matt totally came out of his shell (which i think is a total stupid cliche usually, but in this case it's really exactly what happened). He took me snorkeling and we saw a ton of great fish and turtles and all sorts of stuff. He showed me how to build a sandcastle justttt right and it was the most fun I've ever had with him. it was also the first time in a recent memory that i've seen him laugh and be embarrased and just enjoy himself and the fact that he's a person and is allowed to enjoy himself.

steve came back and hasn't, up until yesterday, said a single word to me. We've been back a week, now

Let me clear this up, though. Just so no one's confused. (more like so I"m not confusing myself)

Before, when i would make dinner or clean up or that sort of thing, steve would be cordial to me. polite enough, but never overboard. He would say "thank you" and "this looks delicious" when i would cook something that didn't look like it was going to do more harm than good and say "i really appreciate what you're doing" and "thanks a mil, kat" when he would come home, dead tired, and see that i'd cleaned the house top to bottom. 
he's like that for most of the time. pretty much all the time 'cept for when he drinks too much and lets his proverbial "mr hyde" out.

But after vactation, he doesn't even look at me. Not even a  little, like to see if I'm in the room or anything. He avoids me like the plague and doesn't acknowledge me at all. 

Now, you'd say, well gee kat that's a good thing. He's a wacko that abuses u and ur brother. u should b glad that he's ignoring u. *nods slowly at how stupid kat is being*

but it's not just that he's ignoring me. It's the way he does it. (yes. there's different ways to ignore someone. maybe you know what im talking about and maybe you dont but if you dont then trust me there is.) he's hesitant around me, overly careful, cautious. He doesn't smirk at any of the jokes i make when i get nervous but he just looks around like he's not sure if he's allowed to. He tucks into his food so that i know that i like it and i can tell that he wants to say thank you because he'll look up at something near me but then something reminds him, that for some wierdo reason he's keeping to himself, that he's not worthy to speak to me or some stupid thing. 

It took me a few days to recognise that he's sorry.

For what he's done, what he's said, and that he's hur t us

i know, i know. it sounds like me being naive and idealistic. I certainly want thim to be sorry, dont i?
but i really think that he is, genuinely, sorry

it's crazy and i think it's in my nature but i really really think it's the truth. like, not just what-i'd-like-to-believe the truth, but -what's-really-happening the truth

well matt says its for the better. he says that if steve wants to ignore me that i should be grateful an not think too much, for chrissakes. he obviously wouldnt believe my theory, so i didnt bother telling him. I dont fancy being told im naive and idealistic and too trusting if i can help it, especially fromsomeone as cynical as my brother

so yesterday, erm last night i guess it would've been, i was reading this book (it's called spy by nature and it's really good) i bought yesterday at borders (where i had to go to get my summer reading books) and i hear someone talking at the other side of the house. (our house is usually really really quiet, and you can hear anything that's going on from one end to the other)

matt was out doing something or other with someone and steve had gone to bed early-ish b/c he'd had a long day and so i was fairly spooked. (quiet houses are bad enough, much less quiet houses with random people talking. i watch horror movies, thanks)

so i got up and went to go and check, wondering if i should grab the bat that's always by the garage door (idk how it got there but it's been there for a really long time. i guess no one's wanted to put it up cause it's like some charm to keep people from having to use it against an intruder) and wishing that i hadn't spent the last few hours reading a thriller about this double-double crossing spy-in-training (my book i mentioned earlier. it's absolutely fantastic, but not too good for someone's paranoia late at night in a previously empty house with creaky floorboards)

so i went through the house and realised the talking sounded like a one-sided conversation coming from steve's room. I knew the tv wasn't on because for 1, he wouldn't have ever turned it on that loud, and if he had, i'd hear more tv noises, and the entire conversation, for that matter. this sounded a bit like steve was on the phone, maybe. but with who? and why was steve talking so loud?

"Go away!" he yelled and im not gonna lie, i jumped a good few feet back from the door that i'd been walking to.

I nodded and began to say "Sorry to interrupt, just wanted to make sure there wasn't anyone else in the house" but i really didn't get very far at all. steve kept talking, right over me, like he couldn't hear me at all.

"Leave them alone! Leave us all alone, why don't you?" This was just as loud as before, but raspier, some how. I heard  a creaking noise and it sounded like he was jumping around on his bed.

It took me alot longer than it should have, by all logic, for me to finally realise that he was having a nightmare.

"Steve?" I said quietly, and i pushed the not-quite-closed door open with my foot, quite expecting to have something thrown at me and ready to duck at a split second's notice. He didn't say anything so i walked into the room a step or two.

He was sitting half up in his bed, and had pushed all the blankets, sheets and pillows off onto a mess on the floor at the foot of the bed. He didn't seem to hear me but some part of him had recognised that someone had come into the room.

"Please" He said, whispering now. "Just go away"

Idk if you know or not, but it was the strangest thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life, hearing my own words echoed on his lips. (that sounds gross and poetic and trite, but i swear....it gave me chills then and is making me shiver now)

I shook my head, recalling at once how i would help bring matt out of nightmare spells he used to have when we were younger. "It's just me," I told him in my softest, kindest voice. "Just Kat"

"Kat?" He croaked, his voice very hoarse now. He sounded terrified.

I swallowed my own apprehension. I didn't like him sounding so scared, didnt like to think what-who- had him so terrified. 

"You need to run" He told me in an urgent whisper, slumping suddenly back onto the bed and curling himself into a tight ball.

All i could think was that here he was, this sick perverted man that had hurt me and my brother, reduced to nightmares for some equally horrible person that continued to haunt him (ok maybe i didnt think those words exactly. but you get my point)

I walked over to him and (dont ask me why b/c i wont have an answer) sat down, rubbing his shoulder like i would do for matt. I told him that we didn't have to run, that he was all gone and not going to hurt us. 

He said something i didnt catch (he was facing away from me and rolled a little more in my direction. He said something else that i also didn't catch but it sounded a little like a question, so i repeated my assurances that we were in our house on bunker hill (lol yes, that's our street name) and there was no one else in the house but us.

He nodded a little, ( i guess. idk exactly what it was other than a half-sort of done affirming gesture) and said something that i think was "thanks" and fell asleep. 

Idk how long i sat there, just watching him, unable to believe what had just happened even though i was still sitting next to him.

After who knows how long, i went into my room, changed into my pj's, and got into bed. I heard matt come in some time later, and move my door a little more open and when he saw that i was in bed and still, he figured i was asleep, and after about 45 minutes of his little pre bed-routine, he went to bed and was, just like him, very soon asleep.

There's so many questions I have I don't think I'll be able to put them all up right now (i'm sure i look like i got run overby a train. i didnt sleep well, when i finally fell asleep. i had dreams of who steve was so afraid of and meeting this new kid at school when it starts called steve who acts and looks just like a mini-version of my dad and it was horrible b/c he was so nice and then it waslike watching a cheesy animation sequence about how that happy kid who was in my math class turning, slowly and excruciatingly, over time, into steve, my dad now.)  but maybe later. in the mean time, thank you for reading and any input would be beyond amazing

much safe love to you all and I very much hope that everyone here is doing well because you are -all- wonderful people. *hugs* to any and everyone for persevering through the lives they were given and being strong and for surviving.
Comments 
28th-Jul-2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
That's a lot to digest, there. It is true that many (maybe most) abusers have been put through much the same stuff that they dish out. And I would say that you encountered some hurt little part of Steve that night, not the adult Steve, but the part of all survivors that remains the same age as when the abuse (first) happened, and holds all the bad memories.

Of course you still have to deal with the adult Steve. He might well be sorry, but I wouldn't expect him to change. Being repentant can be part of the cycle abusers go through - you see it a lot with abusive partners. But even a temporary peace is a good thing if it gives you a chance to relax for a bit. Just don't let down your guard - the most important person for you to protect is you.

Does it help you to know that I think of you often and wonder how you're doing? If I could swoop down and get you to safety I would.

Many ((((((Safe Hugs))))))

29th-Jul-2007 04:04 am (UTC)
Just try to keep in mind that when abusers go through "honeymoon" periods (when they are nice, remorseful, etc.) that they are genuinely feeling remorseful. Many of them aren't faking it.

But that genuine remorse that they feel will not and does not necessarily stop them from doing it again. Eventually, the guilt they feel builds up to the point where they feel they're horrible people, and if they're already horrible, they might as well abuse people again.

It's okay to recognize that he seems genuinely sorry right now, but just remember that unless he gets help NOW while he's remorseful, he is likely to go right back to the abusive steve again.
30th-Jul-2007 02:07 am (UTC)
Pretty much what the above posters said, is what I was going to say. **hugs**

You're in my thoughts a lot. Do you mind if I add you as a friend? Let me know. Take care ♥
30th-Jul-2007 05:06 pm (UTC)
no of course i dont. and thanks, everyone for your thoughs. they mean the world to me
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