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28th-Feb-2005 03:44 pm
healing is such a strange thing. i discovered something new today. i discovered that if you push just the right buttons i will absolutely rage! i have anger. powerful amounts of anger. i never knew that. it's kinda strange. it's been in me all these years and keeping me running from everything cuz i never knew where to direct it except at myself. and now i found a target. some was myself. some were the issues my friends jason and jody brought up. and i found out i am actually incredibly angry at jeff. not at the new jeff i know now, but at the old jeff when he was little. i guess it makes it a little less confusing to view him as two people...then my feelings don't seem contradictory about the same person. anyways, i am angry at the old jeff. and i am angry at the old cousin, matt. i have never felt angry really at him, especially not to this point. i think had i tapped into this when i was little he would have found me not so powerless. i think i would have killed him. or at least marred him incredibly bad. it's ashame i've been internalizing it all this time. that i've taken it out on myself. and some on God. perhaps my fears will dwindle some now that i see i have power. a lot of power. that's kinda scary. me...with power. i think i have a lot to learn about myself. and maybe i should join tae kwon do or some other violent sport to channel this all. lol. but maybe there won't be a next time for tragedy, for trust and hopes to be dashed. maybe i am not powerless or don't have to remain powerless. maybe i can effect change. maybe next time someone breaks my trust and tries to violate me they will wish they hadn't, eh? yes, they will wish they hadn't. mmm....this feels strangely good and releasing. am i supposed to feel good for being angry? i don't know. but i think i like it. i've been harboring it all these years afraid to see what it looks like released... luckily my conversations were a place of safety and you can't hurt a friend physically over the internet... hehe... but i must say thank you to jody and jason for completely ticking me off this morning. it actually helped. no, that's not an invitation to continually push my buttons, lol! you don't want to see my wrath. and i don't want to take it out on you guys... cuz I LOVE YOU. I LOVE. i love jason and jody and justin. my kitties. my God. though i'm still struggling with all that, i do. deep down. it's a diamond hidden in mountains of mud, but it's in there. i'm pretty certain. these depths are kinda scary to plunge, but i'm making it. i'm jumping off the cliff and choosing to trust...somebody catch me :) i want to be free! oh my gosh...i can't believe i'm actually here. here in a moment of freedom and psychotic trust. how long will it last? i don't know... but i feel like bungee jumping and having my friends hold the cord. :) lol. i am so sexy. okay, i have no idea where that came from....LOL. i think i'm getting laughter now... lol... oh the giggles. this feels so good. i only hope it lasts. somebody touch me :)
28th-Feb-2005 01:26 pm (UTC)
lol. I'm so happy for you. :) Of course you aren't powerless! I remember when I discovered my rage. One time I just let it come completely out. It was scary. I think I've been scared sense then to let it out again. But maybe I have to. It isn't good for me to keep all that anger and hate inside me.

I'm so glad you are taking another step, and I'm really glad that you posted this. It was very inspiring for me. :)

I definitely encourage you starting martial arts. I know my tae kwon do has helped me in a ton of ways. It helps you mentally/ emotionally as well as physically.

Yay for you! :)
28th-Feb-2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
lol-yay! That is such a rush-just reading all that! I am proud of you for feeling it all, and sharing it all-thank you!

My therapist told me to take some sort of martial art/self protection class to channel anger as well-keep us posted on what you decide to do. :-) -Brittany
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