I happened to catch a phrase in a song which played on Laguna Beach saying "If you're gonna break my heart, oh well, it's happened before"...And I became really sad. I can never describe the relief I felt when our relationship was finally just ended and over with. I know and often remind myself of why I broke up with him, and how much I deserve better. But last night I went to Young's house and everytime I looked at him, I saw nothing but myself.
We had drinks at Denny's because it was late...Then went to the waterfront and sat for nearly an hour, and then went and played pool (it's like 3 a.m. by now) and finally ended up back at his apartment. I saw her stuff still scattered around, a picture he had drawn of her was facing the wall, and a picture frame with them still in it, in which he turned face down as soon as he noticed it. We talked about them for hours...About the break up, about him missing her...all of it. And...we started talking about ex's. Of course I said "You know, I found out and that was that...it is what it is you know, I learned and moved on". And with him telling me that he admires my strength, it suddenly became apparent how bad of a lie I had just made. I think about Deric every single day and miss him more with every breath I take and while I know i'm strong enough not to go back...It hurt. We lay there for hours. At one point...My innocence became the topic of conversation.
Young has always thought that about me, that he is such a bad person with a good heart, and I am the girl who's impacted his life for the better. He began to tell a story about a girl he once fell in love with who had been raped...As we lay on the bed he asked why I had been looking the other way instead of at him like I had before the story began. I told him I wasn't going to look at him if I couldn't smile and say something great...I burst into tears and made my biggest attempt not to show it until I felt his arm wrap around me and his head lay on my shoulder. He said he was sorry...and for the first time outside of my family...I told someone face to face, moment by moment what had happened to me. For the next two hours, we simply lay there. Neither of us had the words to say in order to comfort the other, so we just wrapped our arms around eachother and lay there...I drove home sometime around 7 this morning, and soon after passed out on my couch.
All day I have lay here, unmotivated to move, to speak, to do anything...In that one conversation, my walls came crashing down as if he didn't even need anything to hit them with...he simply spoke to me and hugged me and down they came, crushing everything I had worked so hard to keep from the rest of the world. I will never forget...at one point he said "Is that why you're so determined to prove your innocence to everyone?" and I told him yes, because I never got to be that, I never had my innocence, I had to just...grow up. He replied "Well instead of two, whenever someone asks how many guys you've been with, you say one, because you are innocent, and no matter what, he'll never count". I told him I didn't want anyone to know, that the whole reason I pushed away all my friends was because after it happened they could never just leave it alone and go back to seeing me as normal, from that point on I wasn't their friend, I was a charity case who everyone wanted to save when all I wanted was to be able to move on. yet another good point, he said "Well if you're still breaking down, is that the normal you were looking for?"...And he's right, I have major break downs...and i'm not normal, but that's all I want people to see when they look at me.