On the healing front: Today was also a good day for that. Not to say there weren’t struggles…but I guess in a sense they were beautiful. I talked to my friend Jason most of the day. I struggled at first because I want to be close, yet I’m afraid to be near… I want to call out for help, yet I fear rejection and being a burden. And my fears were filtering the way I saw his actions… the fact that he doesn’t really call me on the phone or the fact that he posts messages on other people’s websites, but nearly never on mine. I felt really left out, I took it as a sign that he was tired of me, that I was burdening him, that he was looking for a polite way to get rid of me while still fulfilling his Christian duty. What it boiled down to was that all of that was quite far from the truth. The trust was he really cares about me, but I was filtering everything through the lenses of betrayal and abandonment from my abuse and from past relationships I’ve had that fell apart. I felt really stupid for judging him on the same level as the rest after realizing it was just my own phobias playing into role. From my last posts you can see how I was trying to deal with that. But that was my major struggle today…I guess it boils down to my lack of trust. And who is a more trustworthy friend in my life than Jason? No one. I’m tired of my abuse dictating my thoughts and feelings toward others… he’s an incredible guy friend. He’s my kindred! I really love him as a friend…how could I not trust him? I’m sick of dealing with my trust issues…I’m determined to win this one. Thanks, Jason, for your patience with me though. You’re a darling! So anyways, I was majorly dealing with that today. I have really felt a lot lately like nobody about me. I’ve felt really lonely. Objectively, I think to some extent that is true. Does anyone ever call me? No. Does anyone ever seek me out or ever send me something little? No. When they do call, do they even ask how I’m doing? No. they just spill their guts on me but never even ask how my life has been. Is it any ever wonder why I think no one cares? No, I think there’s a lot of truth in it. But in that, I guess I have really overlooked one(s) who do care. Amazing how negativity can override everything else. Not to mention my tension between wanting intimate friends and not wanting it…my life is a living contradiction. Anyways, I had set myself up to believe that no one cared, not even Jason…and not even my husband really. Maybe I’m warped, but it’s the way I tend to feel. So I was talking with him, mind you I had my guard up as I always tend to do….when all he said was “what’s on your mind my kindred?” all the sudden I was overcome with the thought that he really cared and I was completely disarmed. And I replied, “you really care about me huh? stupid question, don't answer...i guess it just amazes me to have someone care. i don't deserve you.” to which he replied, “I really do care.” and I realized that it hurt to know someone cares. I wanted to hear it, but I didn’t want to… I wanted to stay strong and walled in, yet to hear it made me crumble and want to cry. Strong people don’t cry, or at least that’s what my mom always taught me when she would slap me on the face for having a tear in my eye… I had to admit I was weak and broken. Actually I asked him if he could describe me in one word, what it would be and he said “broken”. it says so much. And it reminds me of a very deep moment a caring prophetic man (John, a warrior) brought to me. It hurt so much to hear it from him. I remember that night as I was standing in a barn my friend Hope and I had been using for a teen outreach ministry. I was a co-leader with her…there to happily and strongly minister to others who were hurting… no one knew the pain and terror that seized me on the inside. And he quietly came up to me and touched my cheek and looked me in the eyes with a gaze that penetrated to the depths of my souls when he began to speak out what he saw… the shattered mirror, the split shards, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the dark, the fear, the pain, the betrayal… he saw it all. There was nothing hidden from him and he prayed with a cry and groan that could not be uttered but that hit me like a tornado to my stomach. Was I healed that night? No. but that night I knew He cared. And so it was today, Jason had no idea what he had just spoken to me. All by asking “What’s on your mind my kindred?” and acknowledging I was “broken”… it was a much needed moment for me. A gentle release. A tender love. Was it from him? Maybe. But I think it was more too. The remaining part of the conversation went like this:
in weakness you are strong
in weakness god is strong
you are breaking me.... that's not fair
*slides hand across your cheek* breaking hmmm
i hate being vulnerable...
I am like Jack frost dancing upon the frost of the fresh winters day
why do i fear what is good for me?
why do i long for that which i know hurts yet feels so full of love?
no more running...
i will receive....
only be gentle
i am so open right now....is a lil scary
"what's on your mind my kindred?"....... all is hushed in a moment of trust....
*lowers her head in a willful act of submission and trust*
i am weak right now
God is with me...
there is a strength...unfamiliar, though i feel it now in my weakened estate
jason, what is this?
*gently sits and smiles in subtle peace and contentment and trust*
psalm 42... i will have to look it up....
mmm...a timely word that psalm”
A broken soul, the touch of my cheek, the terror of being vulnerable, the release of feeling loved and knowing someone cares, the word of the Lord, the painful penetration of fire’s heated touch on frostbitten soul, the uneasy stilling of my running fearful mind to find it’s place in trust and submission, a gentle touch of anointing oil to soothe my aching soul. Yes John had brought me here once before, and now Jason did without even realizing… God is weaving a pattern in the garment. A garment that will one day be worn for healing and praise. I often run in the face of intimacy, but when forced to enter it by compelling love, I am finding the holy hush to say more than words to me. And when I read Psalm 42...what more can I say? It was a perfect word in due season.
Some key verses for me:
1 As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul longs for You, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God. With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.
5 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.
6 O my God, my soul is in despair within me; therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; all your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
8 The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, while they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
11 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.
43:1 Vindicate me, O God, and plead my case against an ungodly nation; O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! ….
5 ….Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”
This all really spoke to me. Verse 1, because Iong for that refreshing touch, that intimacy with God that I thirst for, the intimacy with man that I thirst for…yet I am equally as afraid of it as much as I long for it…but this expresses my longing. V.2 when shall I appear before God? Sometimes I wish it were now…that I could just die and go up to be with him in a land without sorrow or pain or tears… v.3 my tears have been my food day and night… I couldn’t say it better. I hurt so much that I take no comfort in food. Literally I am not eating well lately, I have indeed swallowed more tears than food… the flood never ceases even when the tears run dry but the anguish remains in my heart. I cannot feel God in these times…where is He? Yet today I know He was with me…v.4 I remembered once being strong, being the brave leader who once spiritually lead all the others to the house of God, being the one they could look up to…but it is only a memory as my brokenness has consumed my ability to lead. Indeed it has consumed my ability to walk let alone praise Him in festival.v.5 my soul is disturbed, but I will yet praise Him. I will hope in Him.v.6 my soul is in despair, but I remember the victories from a long time ago…the mountain tops where I used to meet Him.v.7 a deepness that can’t be uttered calls out to be met…the sound of waterfalls and crashing waves thunder over me. v.8. Yet He gives me lovingkindness in the daytime (like today), and His song will be with me in the night like the lullabye He gave me last night that sets my soul to rest…a prayer that gives me hope. v.9. I feel so forgotten, I live in the state of mourning…I ask Him why? v.10 the shattering shards of mirror, the broken pieces of my life and force me to wonder, where is my God? v.11. But why do I let my soul remain disturbed? I know He is with me, I will yet hope in Him who helps my countenance glow, Him who indeed is my God. v. 43:1 He will stand up for me against those who have brought injustice upon me. He will deliver me from further abuse. v.2 He will give me strength. I will not need to mourn anymore. v.5 I will again learn to praise Him!
So what have I learned today? A lot. And now my soul is quieted within me. I’m not running, I am vulnerable yet not afraid right now. There is a gentle peace and contentment, a trust. All I can say is “Jason, thank you. God, THANK YOU!” I will learn to trust again. J Your gentle compelling love and patience in caring have spoken immensely. and the holy hush of intimacy is reaching to me…
It is now that I am realizing Psalm46:10 “Cease striving and know that I am God…” or as another translation puts it “BE STILL, and know the I AM GOD.” I surrender!
I am restful now...and off to bed! sweet dreams all...