versions_of_me (versions_of_me) wrote in _survivors_,

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Lost in this moment

It is easy to think our lives are normal until someone forces us to see the big picture. And if in that moment we arn't ready to see it, how are we expected to just...Deal with it?

Lately I have felt so incredibly out of place that I don't know what to even do with myself anymore.
Today I decided to clean the room in which I rarely ever see anyways, and I saw the boxes my mom had set in a corner for her garage sale, and suddenly...I went into a rage? I began by screaming as loud as I could at my mom (who had just gotten into the bath) and told her if she didn't come pick what she did and did not want, I was throwing ALL OF IT away. Then, I opened my closet doors and started ripping clothes off hangers and shoes off the shelves...I threw every article of clothing, every pair of shoes, every box and every insignificant piece of...anything I could find out of that closet and onto my bedroom floor. I took the boxes out of the corner and put them in the closet. I knew my mom didn't even know what to say because just minutes earlier we had been laughing about I don't even remember what...And suddenly I was going crazy. After putting the boxes in the closet and leaving the rest in a pile on my floor, I walked out and closed the door. Downstairs the song from Crash was playing saying "Shed your pride and you climb to heaven and you throw yourself off..." and I sat down and leaned up against my bedroom door, and I began to cry. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. I began to drive...I drove and I drove and I drove. I drove through the country, corner after corner, through mini town after mini town, and then...I turned around. I drove back the same way I had driven there. Without direction or destination, I just drove. I checked my phone every moment or two, just to make sure no one had called or texted. Granted I would have heard my phone, I checked anyway. And...moment after moment, the same background picture showed everytime. No Tyler, No Sister...No one. I repeatedly scrolled through every number in my phone book, desperately thinking who I could call and talk to, or who I could call and ask to come over just because I was so in need of someone, anyone...And yet, as many times as I frantically searched, I always came up empty. Finally...I came home to an empty house. Dad is running erands, my mom and sister are at the barn, and it's just me, just like when I was in my car. After they're done they'll all meet at church in which I don't attend. My mom and dad are going to dinner and a movie afterwards, and my little sister will stay with my older sister, and ill still just

I don't belong here. I grew up being the girl with the big heart...The girl who's phone never stopped ringing, who everyone came to for advice, and who the world loved because she was always soooo innocent compared to everyone else. Now here I am, someone whom I don't even know anymore. Someone who only leaves the house to drive just because, who has no friends and no plans. The one who didn't need to request the 4th of july off because I have no plans...I am the girl who hates having days off because whether I think I'll find plans or not, I already know I won't.

I've realized how lonely I really am, and how desperate I am to get away from here. Yet, I have no idea what to do.
Please help me.
Tags: anger management, seeking support

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