fellforit (fellforit) wrote in _survivors_,

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I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago, and since then I've slept with four guys. Two exes, plus the guy I just broke up with, plus someone I didn't know. I always do this, and I'm so tired of it, but it's like I don't know what else to do. I have no real guy friends anymore, because I've slept with all of them. I feel like I might as well, since everyone already knows what a slut I am, and I've got nothing to lose. I'm sick of doing this, and I keep promising myself that I won't, that I'm better than that, but the second something happens to make me feel especially bad, I'm back on my back. I know this is all related to my abuse, and I know that sleeping with people because I "might as well" isn't going to get me anywhere and really only proves that all the things my abuser said about me were right, but... I feel like I don't have the right to deny anyone, like I actually have the obligation to sleep around, because I didn't stop the abuse. I don't know if that makes any sense, and if it does I know it sounds slutty, but... I don't know.

The nightmares have been worse lately. They're not the same kind I usually get, either -- those are manageable for me, by now, almost, because I know exactly what to expect. Usually, they're graphic flashbacks to the abuse, and everyone I know watches. Lately, they've been different, though. They'll start off as normal dreams and then something happens and just like that I'm being raped, and I can physically feel it -- and not like normal sex, or rough sex, but more like how it felt when I was nine years old -- and I don't feel normal or safe for days afterward. For the past month or so, I've been getting at least two of those nightmares every week. It's draining. I haven't wanted to throw up this badly since I relapsed in March. I haven't, yet. But I'm more and more terrified all the time, and it's the only way I've ever known to control it. The nightmares just make me see everyone around me as a potential rapist. And then (and this is a horrible thought) I always think, "Well, it's not like anyone can rape you, anyway, because you always say yes." I hate that I think things like that.

I don't really know if this even makes sense, and I doubt I'm coming off all that well. Thanks for listening.
Tags: nightmares, rape, relationships, sex

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