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some questions following my last post 1) what in the hell was… 
20th-Jun-2007 08:06 pm
some questions following my last post

1) what in the hell was what matt did? rape? sex? shrapex? not even kidding. usually, that would be my Grade A Sarcasm kicking in. But now? Christ, i have no idea!!!!!! i mean, some of the comments have helped (thanx sooo much yall that commented. omg thank u soooo much you're the reason i have for not running away and never coming back or walking towards that light and never coming back) but seriously. i didnt tell matt no. not once. but he didnt want it any more than i did...so what does that mean??? arghhh
2) so why did matt do that? seriously what did he think could have been worse? he left early this morning and hasnt been home since, and quite frankly, im glad. i'm gonna tear him a freaking new one when he gets back. i hope he hits me or shows some sort of emotion cause if he doesnt i'll be even madder. he'd better not just sweep this under his litttle "Rug Under Which I Hide All My Feelings" cause i cant  do that and this concerns both of us, but really this time
3) where in the fucking hell did steve come up with that? seriously, it's horrible. whoever came up with it should be shot. taken out back and shot. in the face. with a .45. by the person they trust most in the entire world. arghhhhhhhh
4) why did steve do that? he's never been into the whole "woo i get off watching kat and matt suffer" thing. roger sure as fuck was, but he told us that! with his whole "well kids, im studying the affects of fear and pain on people. would you like to be the subjects for my child study?" yeah we got that. but why steve? he's a lawyer for G-d's sake. he's never been into anythinglike that. ever. at all. so why start now? christ well its quite the intro into the whole field, i gotta hand that at least to him. gahh
5) what was matt thinking? why did he do that? how could he? on some level, the level on which i still consider myself to be very young, i think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. matt hurt me. why did he do that? what did i do wrong? does he hate me? should i hate him? but its matt. but he hurt me. but steve made him. steve threatened him. but did he have to? why did he?
yeah you can see where that (^) would get me. absolutely NOwhere

so yeah. there it is and here's me officially going to take some more painkillers for my headache and my general mind and body ache
*curses at world and becomes resigned to moving to live on mars* maybe the martians are nicer
Comments 
21st-Jun-2007 01:38 am (UTC)
Regarding Matt...the situation you described makes me feel like both you and Matt were afraid. Steve was holding a gun and you said he put it up to Matt's chin. That sounds to me like duress (when you're forced to do something by threat of violence/a fearful situation). While, yes, it's rape because you didn't want it, Steve would, I think, be the one held responsible. That's just what I think. In a sense, both you and your brother were raped, because he didn't want to do it either. Maybe he thought he was protecting you, because it'd be worse if it was Steve? Or maybe he was afraid of how bad Steve would hurt one of you if he didn't listen? When a gun's involved...that makes the situation really complicated. It's really awful that this happened, but you have to remember that your brother probably feels really awful and confused and guilty. Has your brother ever molested you/tried to have sex with you before? If he hasn't...I don't think this was a conscious choice for him. Don't place the blame on him -- place it where it belongs, on Steve. You and your brother are children (your brother's 17, right?) under his care. Please don't hate your brother. I don't think he meant to hurt you, and he's probably extremely hurt by this. In a sense, he was raped, too. Not by you, but by Steve.
21st-Jun-2007 02:20 am (UTC)
I see two main questions... why did Matt go along with Steve, and where the fuck did Steve dream that new shit up.

1) Matt did it because he was scared, and wanted to keep you and him safe. He didn't do it because he wanted to. You made that clear in what you said about what was in his face. He did it because he was scared of what might happen to him, or you. He is as badly abused in this as you.

2) Why did Steve dream this new shit up? Because he's an abusive fuckwit.

My advice hon? Find a way to get out. Plan it. Plan it well. Ask Matt for help, because I can bet you he doesn't want to be there either. And ask your other friend for ideas too.

And don't blame Matt for Steve forcing him like that, it's fucking awful what happened, what Matt did must seem like the biggest wipe out of your trust - but in reading your post I can see that you could see Matt didn't want to do it either... Steve is the arsehole. And I'm hoping he doesn't get more 'creative urges' because that shit aint right.
21st-Jun-2007 02:36 am (UTC)
I second everything naivete has said.

I want to add one more thing, something which may be hard to hear, or to understand, but I want to say this for both you and Matt, because I know that you're hurting, and I know that Matt is hurting too. When someone is raped, as both you and Matt were in this instance, their body sometimes responds sexually. It has nothing to do with desire. It has nothing to do with wanting what is happening. Even if either of you or both of you orgasmed it was not sex! It was rape, of both of you, perpetrated by Steve (that sick, sorry fuck!).

I know that Matt is probably so confused right now, and hating himself and wondering how he could do such a thing. He did it because he felt he had no choice, he was scared, Steve was threatening to shoot him, Steve had the gun on him. No matter what someone might think about how they'll react, or what they'll do, when they're actually faced with that situation for real, they forget everything else and go into survival mode. They focus on getting out alive, their adrenaline starts pumping, and they can't think straight. It becomes a matter of life or death, of surviving the unthinkable, and that's what happened to both you and Matt last night.

Matt is not to blame for this, but I do understand why you're so angry with him. He promised to protect you, and he's your brother, brothers and sisters don't do that. Yet neither of your really had any choice. Steve is the one responsible, he is the one who raped both of you last night, even though he didn't actually take his clothes off.
21st-Jun-2007 02:48 am (UTC)
Legally speaking, it gets tough to define. You were definitely legally raped (you are too young to give consent to anyone, and law states you cannot legally give consent for sexual activity with a family member even if you were of age), however - since Matt was in fear of his and your life because of the gun, he might not legally be considered a rapist, if that makes sense. So I understand why you are confused - the law doesn't adequately cover what happened to you, and that's confusing. I do know that steve would be charged with about ten counts of different crimes - conspiracy to commit rape, assault and battery with a deadly weapon, physical abuse of a minor, etc.

Despite law specifics being tough to define - you have every right to be angry and upset and scared - you were put into a situation where lives were on the line if someone didn't abuse you... and that's a horrible situation to be in. I don't think Matt did it because he hated you - I think he was terrified that steve was going to kill you, and thought following his orders was the only way to keep him from doing so.

I don't know exactly where steve got it, but I know I've heard of that being in a movie somewhere. It scares me a lot that he escalated the abuse like that
(Deleted comment)
21st-Jun-2007 02:10 pm (UTC)
Yes, I agree with your thoughts on Steve's motivations. And he is one sick, sociopathic, sadistic bastard.
21st-Jun-2007 03:39 pm (UTC)
Legally speaking, Steve would be the person to blame. I know it's perfectly possible in UK law for accessories to rape to be convicted, even if the person physically responsible isn't (if, for example, they have been told and believe that the victim is consenting). In Matt's case, if you think the circumstances were such that he did NOT want to do any of those things and was being forced through his own fears and his fears for you, then he would not be guilty of rape because he would have the defence of duress. You were both made to suffer, and I personally think Steve chose this method of hurting you because he knew it would spread dissent between you and diminish the support you have for each other, because you would be resenting one another instead of being united against your common oppressor, him.

If you want my opinion, I would urge you (preferably both of you) to go to the police. Take a few necessities with you and ask to be placed somewhere safe. I don't know what the provisions are in your area for dealing with people in this type of situation, but I'm sure other community members more local to you could fill you in.
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