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"Either you fuck her, or i'll make her wish you had" this is… 
20th-Jun-2007 10:53 am
"Either you fuck her, or i'll make her wish you had"

this is the choice steve put to matt at about 2:30 this morning

steve mustve woken up and realized, oh wow i havent made kat want to crawl into a hole and die lately...maybe I should fix that!

he called matt and i into the living room and had a gun in his hand, his .45. he put it under matt's chin and told him that, but i could still hear him. i figured matt wouldnt. figured he'd act the way he always did. just brush steve off with some derrisive, smart-ass comment. it usually worked out great for him, cause he wanted someone to push back, he pushed and wanted someone to push back. and steve would. and they'd get all their tesosterone out and they'd both be, in some sick way, oddly satisfied. no kat required. but i guess something changed, cause when matt gave his usual "go fuck a tree, dickhead", steve just laughed and pushed the gun under his chin harder, and after a second i realized that matt was on his tiptoes and choking

maybe stupidly, i yelled at steve to stop it! he was hurting him

steve moved away the gun and grabbed matt and kept him up when he stumbled and fell towards him, coughing and sputtering

so now matt was looking at me, and i knew he'd do what steve told him to. he knew that if he didnt, steve would make it much, much worse. 

stupidly, the first thing i thought of when i realized that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest, when Will's dad choses to whip him instead of the other guy, so will didnt get any more hurt...he was doing it to help him, but to will he was still getting lashes so what'd it matter?

then steve said, go on matt, and made a little pushing gesture towards me, and he told me to lie down on the ground

i did, wondering (again, stupidly, it seems, in retrospect) where steve came up w/ this idea. it wasnt a very steve-ish idea. he was a i'll-hit-you-when-you-mouth-off-and-you-wont-mouth-off-again-and-we'll-go-on-with-our-lives kind of guy. this was way too sadistic-voyeristic-over-the-top-REVOLTING for him. it was something i would have expected from roger (me and matt's adoptive father before steve),not steve. what was going on? suddenly, i thought maybe i was dreaming? wouldnt that be nice and then i realized that my eyes were closed. wow omg i might actually be dreaming...? nope. i opened my eyes and matt was standing above me, looking like he wanted to either cry or turn green and into the Hulk and kill steve right there on the spot. as much as i really really wished it would be the second, i didnt think matt was going to be turning green anytime soon. green really isnt his colour

go on, matt, steve said, guesturing with the gun this time. matt grit his teeth and ground them together and got on his knees beside me. steve sighed and whacked matt in the back of the head with the gun faster than i'd seen him move in awhile and matt, as surprised as i was, fell onto me. unable to breathe for a second, i gasped a little and just as fast, he got up so he was over me on his hands and knees, a hand on either side of my head, holding him up. his knees were on either side of my legs (cause matt's got about a foot on me. he's just about taller than steve, but steve's alot bigger than him, steve being overweight and muscley and matt being on the skinnier side and tending to slouch a little) 

steve crouched down next to me and told matt to kiss me

matt didnt move and i swear that my heart stopped...or at least skipped

steve sighed again, much louder this time, and said listen matt this is not complicated. you either kiss her, or move the hell out of my way

so i guess it came back to the Pirates thing, cause (good thing he's good at pushups otherwise he might of squished me) matt leant close to me (i closed my eyes so idk what his expression was) and he kissed me. (and i use the word lightly. his lips touched mine) 

we were both breathing so hard and so scared that im surprised it even counted. i could feel matts arms shaking and he was close enough that i could hear his heart. it was going just about as fast as mine was

steve laghed a little and i felt him patt matt on the back cause matt bent towards me a little and i dont blame him for that at all. id take matt over steve any day.  i opened my eyes and matt looked ready to kill someone. i held out that maybe he would get up and kill steve.

[but would i? grief this has brought so many questions with it i dont even want to deal with them now. i'll focus on getting out the story then maybe we'll go from there?]

steve said enjoyed that did ya? matt growled a little and steve said well you'd better've cause that was the worst "kiss" that ive ever seen. gimme a better one. and he made a little camera w/ his hands

matt was shaking now, but i dont/didnt think it was out of excess of the same emotion that was making me shake. i was afraid and i think that matt was angry. like really freaking angry. like i'll do whatever just to get this over with so i can fucking kill you angry

which didnt help my fear ANY

matt said sorry really quietly and leaned closer to me and i could hardly close my eyes fast enough before his mouth was on mine. after i have no idea how long (couldve been an hour, couldve been thirty seconds. it felt like at least half an hour, but hello when have i ever been any good at keeping my head in situations like this???) matt pulled away and inhaled through his nose and mouth and i opened my eyes and looked right at him. maybe i could suddenly have laser vision and i could melt him a little. that was totally uncalled for. i dont care how mad he was or what he was trying to protect me from that was so totally not cool

steve patted matt on the back again and said there ya go mattie (ugh he calls him that sometimes. it drives matt as crazy as it does me but he'd never say anything about it so i have to and i usually do cause its sooo annoying!!!!) enjoyed that one, did ya?

matt didnt say anything, and he looked troubled, like he couldnt make up his mind. certainly not the vehement no way you fucking perverted mother fucking...yeah you get the picture yeah none of that

i wasnt sure why at the time, (altho i think i have a pretty good idea why now) but it seemed odd, steve's expression and voice combined with this look on matt's face i really wasnt used to seeing on his face

indesicion 

Sounding suddenly like  Emperor Palpatine on crack, steve was like very good. so go a bit further...go with it, you know you've always wanted to...

me: *thinks* so who said that this would be less hurtful than what steve might do? at least i hate him. but w/ matt...? shitshitshitshitshit

So for about the next hour, matt went on to follow steve's instructions, but for what reason(s), i dont know

the instructions themselves were, well...sucky, actually. pretty much they just got worse from there but i'll spare anyone that's actually had the stomach to read thru all this so far and not continue the way i hav cause im about to make myself sick (again) so basically it got worse from kissing my mouth to kissing anything above my waist steve could think of to being fingered to oral to actual sex [and is that what it was? or was it rape? arghhhh im sooooooooooooooo confused. the words i have are completely inadequate to describe how confusing (and angry,actually) this makes me] and a couple other things that steve thought of that i dont even know a name for, G-d forbid if they actually have a name so someone had to come up w/ them and they've happened to other ppl
im really sorry to anyone who read(s) thru this whole thing
i just really really really needed to put it somewhere so its not just in my head
in theory
plz dont think u hav to read it
Comments 
20th-Jun-2007 05:32 pm (UTC)
oh sweetie! i'm so sorry this has happened to you. is matt your brother and stever your step dad? a little confused.

sweetie, you were definitely raped. matt seems like a victim of this horrible game too. is there anyway you can leave that house? how old are you? i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry this has happened. i don't know what to say, other than i am thinking of you and sending only the safest hugs.
20th-Jun-2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
yeah. sorry. matt's my brother and steve is our adopted dad. sorry about that. oh and im 15 and matt's 17. and thanks. i really didnt think anyone would want to read it, so i appreciate you reading it and for the hugs
20th-Jun-2007 06:45 pm (UTC)
*safe hugs*

Honey that is rape. i'm going to ditto wat the others said, you have to get out of there.

Am thinking of you, stay safe
20th-Jun-2007 08:35 pm (UTC)
I'm so, so sorry Kat that steve did this to you and your brother. Please, hun, stay safe, and try to get out of there. That was rape, assault, battery, and so very much more.
20th-Jun-2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
That was rape, Steve caused both you and Matt to be raped. I wish to god I could get both of you out of there. Steve is one sorry f*ck, I am so angry with him.

I know this is confusing for you, and I know it is for Matt too. I feel for you both. Matt didn't want to rape you, but Steve forced him to with the threat of violence. Matt must feel so ashamed and angry, and it's not his fault, it's Steve's fault. Steve is a sick fuck.

Matt is welcome to join if he feels he needs someone to talk to about this. What you both have been through is horrific. I am so sorry hon.
20th-Jun-2007 11:26 pm (UTC)
*hugs hugs hugs*

Please, contact me if you ever need anyone safe to talk to. I'm emory deux on AIM/madrinamedrosa [at] gmail [dot] com for email.
20th-Jun-2007 11:41 pm (UTC)
((((Safe hugs))))

I agree with what's been said, you and your brother were both raped and I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you will seriously consider doing everything you can to get yourself out of there, but I understand that it's scary and difficult and the situation might be very complicated for you. Please just stay safe, as much as you can. ((((safe hugs))))
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