this is the choice steve put to matt at about 2:30 this morning
steve mustve woken up and realized, oh wow i havent made kat want to crawl into a hole and die lately...maybe I should fix that!
he called matt and i into the living room and had a gun in his hand, his .45. he put it under matt's chin and told him that, but i could still hear him. i figured matt wouldnt. figured he'd act the way he always did. just brush steve off with some derrisive, smart-ass comment. it usually worked out great for him, cause he wanted someone to push back, he pushed and wanted someone to push back. and steve would. and they'd get all their tesosterone out and they'd both be, in some sick way, oddly satisfied. no kat required. but i guess something changed, cause when matt gave his usual "go fuck a tree, dickhead", steve just laughed and pushed the gun under his chin harder, and after a second i realized that matt was on his tiptoes and choking
maybe stupidly, i yelled at steve to stop it! he was hurting him
steve moved away the gun and grabbed matt and kept him up when he stumbled and fell towards him, coughing and sputtering
so now matt was looking at me, and i knew he'd do what steve told him to. he knew that if he didnt, steve would make it much, much worse.
stupidly, the first thing i thought of when i realized that was in Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest, when Will's dad choses to whip him instead of the other guy, so will didnt get any more hurt...he was doing it to help him, but to will he was still getting lashes so what'd it matter?
then steve said, go on matt, and made a little pushing gesture towards me, and he told me to lie down on the ground
i did, wondering (again, stupidly, it seems, in retrospect) where steve came up w/ this idea. it wasnt a very steve-ish idea. he was a i'll-hit-you-when-you-mouth-off-and-you-w
go on, matt, steve said, guesturing with the gun this time. matt grit his teeth and ground them together and got on his knees beside me. steve sighed and whacked matt in the back of the head with the gun faster than i'd seen him move in awhile and matt, as surprised as i was, fell onto me. unable to breathe for a second, i gasped a little and just as fast, he got up so he was over me on his hands and knees, a hand on either side of my head, holding him up. his knees were on either side of my legs (cause matt's got about a foot on me. he's just about taller than steve, but steve's alot bigger than him, steve being overweight and muscley and matt being on the skinnier side and tending to slouch a little)
steve crouched down next to me and told matt to kiss me
matt didnt move and i swear that my heart stopped...or at least skipped
steve sighed again, much louder this time, and said listen matt this is not complicated. you either kiss her, or move the hell out of my way
so i guess it came back to the Pirates thing, cause (good thing he's good at pushups otherwise he might of squished me) matt leant close to me (i closed my eyes so idk what his expression was) and he kissed me. (and i use the word lightly. his lips touched mine)
we were both breathing so hard and so scared that im surprised it even counted. i could feel matts arms shaking and he was close enough that i could hear his heart. it was going just about as fast as mine was
steve laghed a little and i felt him patt matt on the back cause matt bent towards me a little and i dont blame him for that at all. id take matt over steve any day. i opened my eyes and matt looked ready to kill someone. i held out that maybe he would get up and kill steve.
[but would i? grief this has brought so many questions with it i dont even want to deal with them now. i'll focus on getting out the story then maybe we'll go from there?]
steve said enjoyed that did ya? matt growled a little and steve said well you'd better've cause that was the worst "kiss" that ive ever seen. gimme a better one. and he made a little camera w/ his hands
matt was shaking now, but i dont/didnt think it was out of excess of the same emotion that was making me shake. i was afraid and i think that matt was angry. like really freaking angry. like i'll do whatever just to get this over with so i can fucking kill you angry
which didnt help my fear ANY
matt said sorry really quietly and leaned closer to me and i could hardly close my eyes fast enough before his mouth was on mine. after i have no idea how long (couldve been an hour, couldve been thirty seconds. it felt like at least half an hour, but hello when have i ever been any good at keeping my head in situations like this???) matt pulled away and inhaled through his nose and mouth and i opened my eyes and looked right at him. maybe i could suddenly have laser vision and i could melt him a little. that was totally uncalled for. i dont care how mad he was or what he was trying to protect me from that was so totally not cool
steve patted matt on the back again and said there ya go mattie (ugh he calls him that sometimes. it drives matt as crazy as it does me but he'd never say anything about it so i have to and i usually do cause its sooo annoying!!!!) enjoyed that one, did ya?
matt didnt say anything, and he looked troubled, like he couldnt make up his mind. certainly not the vehement no way you fucking perverted mother fucking...yeah you get the picture yeah none of that
i wasnt sure why at the time, (altho i think i have a pretty good idea why now) but it seemed odd, steve's expression and voice combined with this look on matt's face i really wasnt used to seeing on his face
Sounding suddenly like Emperor Palpatine on crack, steve was like very good. so go a bit further...go with it, you know you've always wanted to...
me: *thinks* so who said that this would be less hurtful than what steve might do? at least i hate him. but w/ matt...? shitshitshitshitshit
So for about the next hour, matt went on to follow steve's instructions, but for what reason(s), i dont know
the instructions themselves were, well...sucky, actually. pretty much they just got worse from there but i'll spare anyone that's actually had the stomach to read thru all this so far and not continue the way i hav cause im about to make myself sick (again) so basically it got worse from kissing my mouth to kissing anything above my waist steve could think of to being fingered to oral to actual sex [and is that what it was? or was it rape? arghhhh im sooooooooooooooo confused. the words i have are completely inadequate to describe how confusing (and angry,actually) this makes me] and a couple other things that steve thought of that i dont even know a name for, G-d forbid if they actually have a name so someone had to come up w/ them and they've happened to other ppl
im really sorry to anyone who read(s) thru this whole thing
i just really really really needed to put it somewhere so its not just in my head