Just so angry

I have just been in a horribly angry mood lately.
I'm just MAD. I mean I still enjoy my job and love all the clients I work with. One of them is not my favorite and she is very loud, but she also takes a nap in the afternoon, so my day is pretty much made after that.
Buster and I have been getting into it constantly. He managed to once again ruin Mother's day for me. Which I figured he would.
He said he was going to make me breakfast in bed on Saturday, because he decided to work on Sunday., which I ended up working Sunday from 2-6 anyways so him and the kids were going to do Mother's day Saturday.
I wake up at 9:30 and Buster and his son John disappeared. Nobody knew where they went. Gabbie came in and said, " I thought Dad was making you breakfast in bed?" so did I!
He comes back at around noon and said he didn't know what time I was getting up and he decided to run some errands.
Then asked if I still wanted breakfast in bed.
Well, considering I hadn't eaten anything, waiting so see if he was still doing to do anything, I said sure. I can always eat breakfast anytime.
So he takes Gabbie to the store to get some stuff, and two hours later they come back. Then , he asks if I still want him to make me breakfast in bed. again I told him I hadn't eaten anything because I have been waiting on him. and he acts irritated and says, " well I guess I can go make you something."
So that was my " mother's day"
Gabbie picked out a rose from the store for me and she made me a card. HE didn't get me anything. no card. nothing.
Joshua told me he made me something at school in art class but it was going to be late.
Sunday Gabbie and I went to church and they passed out roses to the Mom's and afterwards I went to work from 2-6. My client Shelley's Mom flew down to FLorida to visit her Mom for Mother's day so I stayed to help Shelley's Dad feed her lunch and supper. She has cerebral palsy and has to be fed and bathed. She is the most physical client I have. She wears me out with all the lifting, but I have the most fun with her.
My poor kiddos wanted to do something special and do sweet things for me Sunday, but they were both having a horrible time with their allergies and felt sick. So when I got home from Shelley's, I ended up taking care of them. Buster worked his night time job once he got home from his daytime job. I was glad he wasn't home.
Sometimes I wish I never got remarried at all.
Most of the time I wish I never got remarried at all.
Unfortunately I don't think I could make the bills.
Sucks being stuck.

I'm just so mad lately.
I even started cutting again Saturday. It's so discreet, nobody even noticed.
It's nice.
Having an outlet you can get away with that nobody knows but you.
I wonder how long I can get away with it this time?

I'm still on my antidepressants too but they aren't helping with me being angry and mad.
I just want to hit something, HARD.
Reminds me of that line from Steel Magnolias Sally Fields used after the funeral.
LJ is the only place I can put stuff like this out here. The last time I posted any type of anger ridden post it got spread to way too many people on Facebook. I hate facebook now. It's like highschool. or worse, junior high. ugh.

My name is Beth and I'm an addict

This is the short version of my story not too many details. is you want to know more IM me

I grew up like any teen I smoked pot and drank my dad took care of me I never had a job but I felt bad about my dad having to take care of me plus I wanted more in my life I had nothing really going for me where I lived so i hitch hiked down to San Francisco the day after I got there I started smoking Meth and with in a week I was hooked smoking it every day living in golden gate park. about a month later I was hanging out with a friend who slamed meth and I didn't want him to so I told him that if he was going to do it that I would to (thinking that he wouldn't want me to start shooting up) so I started shooting Meth and I loved it it was an experiance I had never felt before slamming now that was my new vice. After a while I heard about the Rainbow gathering I saw a friend while there and after wards we went to salt lake city (sence it was in Utah) we got stuck in there and seperated for 6 weeks finnally we caught back up and decided to go back to SF. About a month after I got back I made a new friend, we moved out of Golden gate park and to south of market. I continued to slam speed but also I would use Heroin to the make me come down easier and get to sleep. After a while I used less and less speed and more Heroin untill I got hooked on heroin and compleatly stoped doing speed (well mostly stoped doing speed) after about 8 months of being on heroin I met my husband he was a heroin dealer and my friend introdused us and a couples days later we were togather. While I was with him he got me hooked on crack too. He got arrested twice once with me, the time when we got arrested togather we said that when we got out and were togather agian we would quit using because we couldn't atand being away from eachother. I got released from the police station but he was in jail for a month while he was in jail I got on Methadone when he got out he got on methadone too and he had to do a out pactant drug program for the courts, we were kinda clean we didn't use drugs but we drank a little bit. A month after he got out of jail i turned 21 and got 16,000 as an inheratance we used the money to live on so we could work on getting our lives togather and not have to worry about money. on May 6th 2005 we got married to celebrate we got drunk then we decided it would be a good idea to smoke crack. a week later we found out I was pregnant. unfortiantly we sliped up and used 3 times while I was pregnant but I am proud to say that I know have a beautiful baby girl named Taylor and I have 15 months clean and sober. (my husband still drinks a little)
  • Current Music

(no subject)

My 5 goals for the day:

1. Try not to choke my co-workers
2. Clean my bathroom *ugh*
3. 50 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of weight training
4. Direct my negative feelings towards certain people to something more positive
5. Read two chapters in my new book
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

(no subject)

I had a relapse last night. After a week of wondering if I had diabetes, I found out that I didn't and went out to celebrate a little. A couple of beers with a friend leading to him inviting me back to his place for more and some grilled steaks. I don't remember much after a few more and part of that steak. Somehow I got home, but I don't remember getting home. I lost my glasses and White Sox hat in the process. I found my coat, that for some reason I took off on my walk home, this morning. At least I found my coat, it had my spare keys in it, the only ones that will open my car. I fucked up, I have to remember that a little celebration is just that and not let it lead to stupid craziness!

(no subject)

I grew up in a "party" atmosphere. My mother had me when she was 16, so she was just a child herself. My parents never sacrificed their drinking, drugs, and partying for their family. In fact, my dad told us (my brother, sister, and myself) that "he would rather we smoke pot than smoke cigarettes". Well, his wish came true for all of us. Not only did my sister and brother become major potheads, but they also did coke, heroine, ecstacy, and acid. Fortunately, I was smarter than that. I smoke a lot of marijuana, but I was too scared of the effects from anything else. By the time I was 18, my parents would buy us alcohol and do drugs with me and my friends.

Since I had my first baby when I was 17, I slowed down a bit to care for my child. However, I did relapse and drank excessively in the months that followed my high school graduation. It became so bad that I was having urinary tract infections because I was drinking every day. My mom took my son (he was still a baby) until I could get my shit together. Oh, how history repeates itself. After two months, I got a job and cleaned myself up. I took my baby back and had a steady boyfriend. Although I did still smoke pot, I did not really drink. I was married three years later and had my second child. Life seemed stable enough.

During my marriage, I started to drink again. I thought is was ok because I worked all week (an excuse I've heard from my dad MANY times), and afterall, I was 23! I would go to the bars three nights a week and sometimes I wouldn't even come home. After 5 years of marriage, I decided I wanted a divorce. And that is when things went crazy.

I met a guy and we started dating. He was a big drinker too, so that was the basis of the whole relationship. After a year of that, we broke up. Being single for the first time, I dated ALOT...and I was still drinking ALOT, not believing that I had a problem. I would drink every single weekend, polishing off a 5th of vodka in an evening, then waking up the next day and drinking some more. After many blackouts from vodka, I went to beer...a case of beer in an evening.

Then I met John.

John was like noone I ever met. Although he was from a broken home, his parents taught him excellent values. He was smart, successful, and a nondrinker. I loved everything about him. I knew that I didn't want to drink anymore. I wanted a good life for me and my kids. He stuck by me during my drunken rages, my drunk phone calls, and my drunken crying spells. After a few dramatic episodes, I decided I needed to quit, and I did...for a whole month. That may not seem like a long time, but for an addict, it's a huge accomplishment! I realized that I could control this thing...and it didn't control me. After that month, I drank a little...every once in a while.

I started to drink again this past April. At first it was a few beers while I was cleaning, then it was a many beers while I was sitting at home on Saturday night with nothing to do. Next thing I knew, I was drinking every weekend again, but this time I was doing it at home by myself.

To date, I have not had a drink in almost 3 weeks. I am trying to cleanse my body of the toxins that have been built up over time. I am now a vegetarian and I am determined to save my drinking for "special occassions." I'm not looking to quit altogether...I think I would miss it too much. But I have to learn moderation. Yes, that may seem impossible for an addict, but I am going to do my best to get to that point.

Drinking and drugs is all I have ever known. It was acceptable while I was growing up, and acceptable by my peers. I am now an adult, and I know right from wrong. I know that there is so much fucked up shit that happened to me as a child and that is why I chose to drink. It was better than the pain and confusion I would have to face. I know now that numbing myself is not the way to get over these things. If I fail, I will start over. I refuse to let my childhood affect my adulthood. But most importantly, I refuse to let my children grow up with an alcoholic for a mother.
  • Current Mood
    peaceful peaceful
the landslide

What else is there???

It's time for us to move ON! Don't know about you, but I'm sick of my addiction.

I love beer. Seems like it's been my best friend for too long. I'm ready to try to drop the bitch. Everyone has addictions many just lie and don't admit it!

Life is too short for that....

Been using since I was a teen. I feel at times I got what I deserved. Either way, I'm done. I want to move on to a normal life, but starting that at age 34 is hard! But we all know we didn't deserve it!!! We just cope.

Don't start a cycle you can't stop. Help friends or family if you can.

You need support, I need it too. Let's help each other out.



Welcome to our little community for addiction issues! Ginny and I are your moderators, and we are pleased that you chose this site as an aid. We are not here to judge, but instead we are here to listen and maybe offer some advice. Feel free to post what you want, but the only thing we ask is that you respect the opinions of others. Naturally, we can all disagree and criticize, but let's try to keep it constructive. We all know it is hard enough trying to get through the day as it is without any unnecessary drama.

Just to get things started, post your "story" as your initial entry (if you feel comfortable, of course). You can check out your moderator's "stories" in our memories section. And if you ever feel like you need confidential advice, feel free to email us.

I know this community will not be the "end all, be all" of your addiction issues, but it never hurts to have extra support. I hope this helps to some degree, I know it will help me.