Pairings: HoMin angst
Warnings: You guys might hate me for this...more Minnie hurting...
A/N: This is not yet chapter 6 yet guys...I just thought a backstory would be necessary for you guys to feel the gravity of Minnie's pain. I just want to be clear, I do not like seeing my Minnie hurting...I just thought that this might be a good story for those who are in the mood for sad endings. (like me at times)
Summary: A year ago...before Changmin was in love with Jaejoong, he was in love with Yunho...(but you all know that)
(1 year earlier)
“What are you doing here? You said you have something important to tell me? Come on. Let’s go inside.” I think I must have blushed then but I silently thanked the dark for concealing my apparent embarrassment. I thought I have everything all thought out. But now, standing in front of Yunho-hyung, the object of my affection, all words escaped me. What I felt at the moment was the sheer fear of the inevitable confession.
“I think it’s better if we stay outside,” was all I can muster to reply. The hell that I’m gonna talk to him with his family hearing every word of it.
“So go ahead Minnie-ah. What do you wanna tell me?” I was dumb-stricken not knowing how to begin. How do you tell a straight guy that you have feelings for him? Although I have doubted what Yunho’s identity really is, for me he was still straight. But something inside me was secretly hoping that he could fall for guys like me.
So without a sudden jolt of inspiration, I stood there facing the ground for a full 30 minutes. I couldn’t stare him in the eye. I felt shameful of doing this to him. Thankfully he was patient, a quality that I like about him. During that span of time he encouraged me with words like, “Go ahead. You can tell me anything,” and how true he was.
Before I had feelings for him, we were best friends. We would tell each other our secrets. I slept at his house more often and talked until the wee hours of the morning. His parents knew me as well, taking care of me if I slept over as if I was one of their own. We were so close that people in school would often tease us that we might have something going on. They might have triggered the madness that I have for Yunho-hyung.
“It’s nothing hyung. I’ll just tell you some other time,” I blurted out. Argh! What a pathetic thing to say.
“Why?” he asked with a frown.
“I think I’m not ready,” I replied, careful not to look into his handsome face in fear of losing my already waning train of thought.
“Oh, come on Minnie-ah…well OK. Fine! Don’t tell me then,” he retorted with traces of anger and impatience in his voice.
Actually it wasn’t really anger. Up to this time Yunho-hyung and I have never fought with each other, only mock fights that always end up in fits of laughter as we realized how silly we sound.
But still, at the back of my mind is the fear that he really was angry. So as to appease him I said the safest thing in the whole wide world.
“How about asking me some yes or no questions and I promise to answer them truthfully.” Another pathetic thing to say in a moment as serious as this.
Fortunately, he was open to the idea.
“OK,” he started. “Did you tell anyone about my secrets?”
“Did you hack my Flyff account?”
Damn! I was trying to tell him what possibly could be the most damaging thing for my life and there he was asking me if I have tampered with something as insignificant as his online game character.
“No,” I replied, rather impatiently. Surely he had some idea what I’m trying to tell him. After all the teasing and the super closeness and all the verbal and non-verbal cues I gave him, may it be intentional or otherwise, he can’t figure out what I am trying hard to say? He must be playing dumb.
“Hyung, please ask something deeper,” I challenged. At this point I was bursting to say it. However, the fear still lingered.
“Is it about the rumors?” There it was, him asking about the rumors that I had a crush on him. The question I was waiting for.
“Yes,” I answered apprehensively.
“Are they true?”
A moment’s pause and then, “Yes.”
Then followed roughly a 15 minute silence where we both just stared on the floor.
Yunho-hyung broke the ice first.
There it was. The moment of truth. The time to tell him everything that I was exercising in my head.
“Honestly hyung at first I couldn’t understand why I’m feeling this for you. Yes, I admit, I like you and it has been bothering me since it started. It’s so complicated. It’s just that I feel so comfortable when I’m around you. When we’re together it’s so easy to be me. I have more fun with you compared to most of my friends.”
I felt so stupid saying that. I was afraid of what was going on in his head. He was silent, apparently listening so I continued.
“I don’t know how this started. I made up theories so I can explain to myself why. I don’t want to feel this for you because I don’t want to betray you as a friend. But I couldn’t help it. I fell for you.” I stopped at this moment. I did not want to use the word love for fear that it might make things more complicated.
“So why did you feel this for me?” Yunho-hyung asked.
“Your presence, for starters. I always feel overwhelmed when you are around, in a good way of course. There’s something about you that’s electrifying. You make me strong and weak at the same time”
The words fell slowly out of my mouth. The shame was building. Nothing was certain anymore. I didn’t know what he was thinking and it frustrated me. If I just knew his thoughts then I would’ve known the right things to say. But being the talkative guy that I am, the words that followed flowed out fluidly.
“There came a point where I blamed you for this. It was your hugs. I just can see that the way you hug most of your friends is different when you hug me. It’s the messages that you send to me that drives me mad even if it’s just a smiley,” I sounded so pathetic but I had to go on. He was hanging on to my every word.
“Sometimes I get the feeling that you also like me,” this is it. The damaging part. “Maybe that’s part of the reason why I fell for you. ‘Coz maybe we could have a chance.”
And there it was. The potential deal-breaker.
“I just don’t know how to explain this to you Yunho-hyung. I am telling you this because we promised each other no secrets and I can’t bear to hide something from you. Please say something,” I added.
The words that escaped him were too terrible to forget.
“I don’t know what to say. Too much has been said.”
A wave of sickening pain washed over me. Here I was, pouring my gut out and all he could say was nothing? My heart was pounding so hard and this time it wasn’t because of the fear or the nervousness. This time it was because of anger. I was mad that my efforts were discounted. I would’ve preferred him telling me that I was just a friend to him. That would be completely understandable.
So in response I just stared at the ground. Fighting back tears I know would come out sooner or later.
His voice punctured the silence.
“You haven’t eaten yet, have you Minnie-ah?”
I shook my head.
“Come here. Follow me.”
He led me to a nearby bakeshop. He brought two pieces of bread and a bottle of soft drink.
“For the road,” he said.
I couldn’t believe it. There he was overwhelmed by the fact that his best friend had feelings for him and he still bought me dinner. Argh! I’m such a sucker for him.
I drank silently. I was just thirsty then from all the talking but I did manage a few bites on my bread. After a few minutes he got up.
“I have to go back inside now. It’s getting late.”
“Sure,” I replied. “See you in school tomorrow?”
“Of course,” came his reply but I knew then that things will go through a major change.
I waited for him to get inside the house before starting my walk towards the main road. Halfway there it had started to rain. Heavily. I turned back to see his house once more. Remembering the things I said to him. The things that he couldn’t say. And as I resumed walking I realized, that when every time the rain touches my face, I will remember him.