modofstarcandy (modofstarcandy) wrote in _starcandy,

SECRET SANTA - Merry Christmas playgirl_eugene - A Heart's Journey 2/2


So he became the secret mistress.

He flew back from New York’s Fashion week just in time to witness the birth of Changmin’s baby girl.

Between the months of finally having Changmin in his arms, life seemed to rearrange back into focus. No longer was he just going through the motions of living. Of looking at his success with detachment.  He felt excitement crawl back into his life the teenage feeling of anxiety and nervousness encompassed with a longing to see Changmin as often as he could.

His wedding gift to Changmin was a ranch just outside the town that they lived in. It turned out for the better as Changmin’s wife’s brother was also a veterinarian and they could successfully run an equestrian aid business which Changmin began to run.

Of course the secret to the ranch was the many buildings it comprised of including a secret building not too far away that became Changmin and Jaejoong’s safe haven. It was a comfortable knowledge that Changmin’s wife was too spoiled and uptight to venture anywhere near the actual labour parts of the ranch that made sure they were never found out. Jaejoong could make the commute from a nearby city where he purchased a condo and arrive there to spend time with Changmin before heading back before anyone realized he was gone.

No one suspected, not even when JaeHwa became part of their lives.

Jaejoong became the family friend, visiting Changmin’s family every birthdays and Christmases and times in between when he could from his busy schedule. JaeHwa loved him and Jaejoong saw that the awe and pride of knowing someone famous never left Min Young’s eyes which made it a lot easier to get away with things. She never complained about how Changmin never seemed to be home probably too busy spending the money that poured in from endorsements as Jaejoong got his name behind Changmin’s business. Changmin would laugh to him how she didn’t even care that Changmin never touched her again to busy goggling the diamonds Changmin would buy her to get her off his back.

However, Jaejoong wasn’t the same.

Stolen kisses and stolen nights were just that – stolen. Jaejoong had promised himself from the beginning he would never ask for anything more – that he was lucky to have what he did from Changmin right now.

But the piercing pain that stabbed through him as Changmin always got dressed and gave him a final kiss goodbye before driving back to his wife and kid never seemed to ebb even with time. But he didn’t protest or tell Changmin because he knew there was nothing the man could do.

As Changmin’s 30th birthday drew near Jaejoong swept him away to Mali giving Changmin’s family a sweet and mischievous smile about how he was going to steal his best friend away for a while.

The vacation was spent fucking like bunnies and walking around town as tourists. When they were like that, Jaejoong could pretend it was like a honeymoon get away, just him and Changmin. He savoured every moment, every casual touch Changmin thoughtlessly did, the way Changmin’s eyes looked upon the new environment with interest and would excitedly share his enthusiasm of wanting to taste all the food with him.

Jaejoong returned him to his wife each time with a little less of himself standing.

As Jaejoong’s career started winding down as younger and newer faces took over he found himself with time to think about what to do with the rest of his life. Time seemed to come back to him and what had kept him extremely busy before and therefore made the moments with Changmin more special suddenly disappeared.

It was like college all over again as Jaejoong would lay wide awake at night wondering why Changmin didn’t call him or the next time he would see Changmin again. Longing took permanent root in his heart different from before because now he had Changmin but not in the way he always wanted.

Yunho would find him drunk more often than not, laughing in a self deprecating manner about how obvious it was that Changmin wouldn’t give up his life for him.

It was a buried and ugly though that stabbed through Jaejoong anytime it would gloss his mind. Jaejoong was ready to give up everything for Changmin – his fame, his reputation, his friends if Changmin would only ask.

But Changmin wouldn’t ask. And he would never do the same.

Jaejoong and Changmin never talked about it but Jaejoong could see the ease and security Changmin possessed knowing he was getting what he wanted and keeping his reputation of a good husband along the way. No matter how much Changmin would whisper that he loved Jaejoong it would always be in the comfort of night, in the security of just themselves.

Years passed but Jaejoong never looked for anything more. He had casual one night stands that Changmin would rage about but he never looked for anything more because he knew it was only going to be Changmin.

Instead he planted himself on the side as he watched Changmin and his family grow. He accepted the calls that said Changmin would have to reschedule because he had an important meeting or JaeHwa was sick or Min Young wanted to go see her parents that weekend.

He would smile and brush hair out of his eyes and look at Changmin adoringly as he accepted each rejection, storing them away in his heart but accepting whatever Changmin would give him at the moment.

He watched as he was planted into a completely separate world where he was the dirty little secret. Watched as Changmin would give excuses not to have Jaejoong over, paranoid that someone would connect the dots and call him out. He accepted that Changmin was drawing a very firm line between the fantasy that Jaejoong provided and the reality that Changmin had.


He came to consciousness slowly. Jaejoong sluggishly became aware of a throbbing and aching pain all over his body. The pain stayed distant, niggling on the edge of his consciousness until he tried to open his eyes.

And gave a low moan of pain as it felt like a truck just slammed into him.

Taking a deep shuddering breath, Jaejoong tried to open his eyes, gritting in pain as tendrils of white light snuck through and hammered icicles into his head like only a hangover of the worst proportions could.

“---oong. Jaejoong, are you awake?” he could hear a desperate voice next to him too loud for him to focus on anything but the pain of the high volume.

He whimpered and tried to curl onto his side only to cry out as a hot and sharp pain twisted into his entire left side.

“Hold on, I’ll call the nurse. Just wait Jaejoong, okay. Just hold on.”

A flurry of movement and Jaejoong was once again pulled down under.

The next time he woke up, he was aware enough to not make any unnecessary movement. Opening his eyes slowly he took in what he couldn’t before.

He looked to the ceiling first where he noticed that the lights were off but natural light had flooded in from the early morning sun.

Relaxing himself as much as he could he slowly turned his head to the right, noticing he was alone in the room but with a small one seat couch pulled very close to his bed side. Behind the couch was the door leading to the outside and he could see it was slightly ajar, probably meaning someone had either gone out and forgotten to close it or that someone had gone out and was planning on coming back.

Gathering his energy again, he slowly tried to move his next to the left side, stopping immediately when a deep ache rushed through his shoulder and collar bone.

Realizing what he had forgotten to do in his disorientation, Jaejoong took a survey of his body. The physical wounds gave him a minor shock.

His left leg was raised up in a full cast from his foot to his thigh. He could feel tightly woven bandages all over his torso that probably tried to hold broken ribs in place. Which would explain the sharp pains that Jaejoong was beginning to feel every time he took a breath. His left arm was also in a cast and he slowly brought his right arm up to touch his face as he recognized he had gauze wrapping around his head.

He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was involved in a car crash but for now he just couldn’t seem to take in the reality of where he was or why.

“You’re awake!”

Jaejoong turned his head back to his right, a bit too fast as pain flared up, and saw Changmin standing there with a can of coffee in his hand.

Jaejoong gave him a wiry smile, “And you look ugly,” he said. Or tried to say. It came out as a pitiful croak that made Jaejoong aware of how dry his throat and mouth was.

Changmin immediately handed him a glass of water with a straw next to his bedside. As Jaejoong followed his movements he noticed a newspaper resting by it, crumpled nearly past the point of recognition. But someone had straightened it out from the ball it probably had been crushed into and Jaejoong could see what was written.


Jaejoong’s blood ran cold as the picture right underneath the caption showed a picture of his smiling face on half a side and the other a crumpled wreck of what used to be his car. The left side was positively crushed, glass everywhere and the frame was upended onto its side.

Now Jaejoong realized why he hurt so much.

Changmin following Jaejoong’s line of sight when the older refused to open his mouth to the straw understood immediately. And like that a swell of anger that had built up at the unfairness of having a loved one nearly died simmered to the surface.

“You almost died.” Jaejoong looked up at the cold voice, whispered in a harsh tone that belied the relief Jaejoong had seen in Changmin’s eyes when he first walked in.

Changmin’s eyes pierced right into Jaejoong’s and it was not only his parched throat that didn’t let him croak out a response. He felt shocked and disbelief about his situation.  Nearly numb because the last thing he remembered was getting into his car to go visit Changmin.

“No. You did die. An entire 4 minutes and they couldn’t revive you. Your heart stopped.”

Jaejoong was painfully aware of his beating heart now. Thumping madly at the fear he was flooded with at the fact that he nearly died. He wasn’t prepared for that. Death wasn’t on his radar at all. He had never had a run in with anything this severe before. He couldn’t believe it was happening to him.

Changmin hastily pushed the glass that was in his hand back onto the dresser and stepped closer to Jaejoong’s bed frame. He was absolutely blown away with how much emotion was in Changmin’s eyes right now.

Worry and anger.

Haggard didn’t even begin to describe Changmin right now. Face unshaven, blood shot eyes, deep dark circles underneath his eyes, crust at the corners of his eyes, hair in disarray and a light odor was wafting towards Jaejoong. Changmin had obviously been here awhile. He resembled nothing of the cute deer Jaejoong was so fond of nicknaming his visage with.

“Well. Say something!”

Jaejoong startled badly. He hadn’t realized they had lapsed into a silence until Changmin’s voice nearly shouted out. He jerked in surprise pain instantaneously flaring and he couldn’t keep in a sharp cry of pain.

“Hyung!” Jaejoong heard Changmin’s panicked cry.

Grinding his jaw together to prevent another cry out, Jaejoong took a deep breath trying to weather the aching hot pain. “It’s….okay…fine…” Jaejoong gritted out through clenched teeth.

Despite that, Jaejoong found himself surrounded by a doctor and nurses not a few minutes later. A needle was jabbed into him and Jaejoong felt a numbness overtaking him. Finally concentrating beyond the pain, Jaejoong realized that the nurse was scolding a furious Changmin for stressing Jaejoong too soon.

“Well my boy, you certainly know how to cause a ruckus don’t you?” Ripping his attention away from Changmin, Jaejoong looked at the kind old man who had spoken to him realizing it was the doctor.

Jaejoong attempted to give a weak smile in return, but stopped at the painful stretch of his dried lips.

“It was touch and go there for a while. But you have a strong fighting spirit.” The doctor chuckled as if it was funny he had nearly died. Jaejoong didn’t take offense, too busy staring at how defeated Changmin looked. It was a look he had not seen since he had confessed to Jaejoong nearly 10 years ago.  “It was a miracle you survived the crash and when your heart stopped, for over 4 minutes mind you, we didn’t think you were coming back.”

Jaejoong rolled his head around to come face to face with the doctor again, idly wondering what his point was. He just wanted to be alone with Changmin again, as soon as possible.

The doctor as if sensing his patients unease started to hurry along. “You’ve been out cold for nearly 8 days now, 6 of which were spent in the critical ward. It was as lucky as you could get in a car crash that the snow on the ground skidded you away from collision once the truck hit, saving you from being completely crushed when the truck toppled over.”

Jaejoong could feel the blood rush out of him. The potentially gruesome death was making him dizzy in the realization of what he had barely avoided. The heart monitor that had been steadily beeping was going haywire, but it was something Jaejoong wasn’t fully aware of.

“He doesn’t need this right now! You said we shouldn’t stress him!” Jaejoong heard Changmin yell.

He ached to touch Changmin, to anchor himself as fear filled him. But a part of him was proud and positively fluttering at how attentive Changmin was being to his needs, defending him like this.

The doctor seemed to realize his mistake and gave a hasty apology that Jaejoong mutely nodded to. Soon enough the doctor examined his wounds and his medical drops before leaving , the nurses chiding him and sending one last scolding look to Changmin.

Finally alone in the room with Changmin he noticed how silence quickly descended. There was so much to say but at the same time nothing to say.

“You’re so dramatic, you know? Of course you had to get into an accident on Christmas day.” He heard a mirthless chuckle come from Changmin and his eyes squeezed at the same time his heart did. This was just too much. He felt overloaded but numb, not quite knowing what he was supposed to do. Even though Changmin was here, he felt so incredibly…lonely.

It was like a cold shudder ran through him. Changmin would eventually have to leave to go back to his family and Jaejoong would be left alone like he always was.

Hot tears came unbidden as he drowned in the overwhelming feelings assaulting him. He hated being alone, he thrived on attention but it was Changmin’s attention he was still struggling to get to this day. Even though they were ‘together’ nothing would keep the boy firmly by his side, not even this accident.

He turned his head away as he wished Changmin would just leave.

His breath hitched as he felt a warm palm slide into his right hand that had been clenching and unclenching the bed sheets.

Turning to look at Changmin, head flopped to the side, he felt the tears drop from his eyes, rolling over the bridge of his nose and coming to land in an uncomfortable damp spot underneath his ear. He looked at Changmin’s eyes seeing a passion there that he hadn’t seen in a very long time.

He watched as Changmin leaned closer and closed his eyes and puckered his lips slightly as he felt the first brush of soft lips on his own. He let out a shuddering sob as Changmin continued to pepper small kisses over him. Never had Changmin ever gave him this much attention. It wasn’t his style.

Jaejoong reveled in it while he could, feeling the security and warmth that he ached for.

He stared when he felt wet drops land on his cheeks opened his eyes just in time to see Changmin furiously wiping across his face.

“I was so scared.” Changmin’s voice cracked at the end and Jaejoong was flashed back to years and years ago at how cute he thought Changmin was as he went through an awkward puberty.

Squeezing Changmin’s hand as hard as he could, he listened as Changmin spilled his guts to Jaejoong about how he got a call from the police about the accident and rushed over as fast as he could. Everyone visited at some point, even his father, but Changmin was the only one who stayed overnight.

He told Jaejoong about how everyone labelled his behaviour as suspicious but he said he didn’t care.

“I told them I loved you.”

Like a bucket of ice dropping over him, Jaejoong barely managed from bolting up straight and instead turned wide disbelieving eyes towards his younger lover.

“W-what?” he croaked out.

“I was so angry. Min Young kept telling me to come home and your mom kept saying it wasn’t proper to stay here, especially with the media pitching a camp outside the hospital. But I didn’t care.” Changmin signed and Jaejoong was reminded of how tired he looked. “I was so angry about how they didn’t seem to be as shaken as I was. You were slipping through my fingers and I was helpless to stop it.”

The grip around his hand became painfully tight but Jaejoong didn’t utter a sound of protest. He avidly listened to the story, wonder and awe going through him at how passionate his normally controlled lover was being.

“So I just blurted it out. They weren’t that surprised. My mom and yours went through the motions of being outraged but I think deep down they realized something was up. Min Young didn’t even bat an eyelash. I told her….I told her that I wanted a divorce.”

The last part was so quiet, Jaejoong almost didn’t catch it. But when he did his heart gave painfully lurch and his happiness soared before it crashed down hard.

Changmin was just being emotional, he tried to reason with himself. He didn’t know what he was doing. He almost lost his…..friend. He’s just shocked. It wasn’t real.

He attempted to smile, swallowing painfully before he tried to speak. “Haha, don’t joke around, baby-Min.”

Changmin’s eyes hardened and the sadness that had been present turned into anger. This time Jaejoong did whimper as his fingers were nearly crushed before Changmin let go and stood up.

“You think this is a joke!?” Changmin yelled. He suddenly knelt on the bed, putting his hands just outside of Jajeoong’s head in a parody of what he liked to do when they were being intimate with each other. He wasn’t quite straddling Jaejoong but it was intimidating enough.

Changmin gritted his teeth before growling out, “I don’t think you quite get it.”

“You nearly died, you asshole. I was helpless. I was scared shitless of having to bury your dead body. I kept hoping and praying and everything I hadn’t said to you came rushing through my mind. Min Young, JaeHwa, my mother, your family – none of them mattered to me in the face of losing you. Pushing you to the side, keeping you my dirty little secret – I hated that. I never told you how sorry I was I couldn’t give you everything. You never ask for it and I took advantage of that.” Hot tears were streaming down Changmin’s face and Jaejoong could only look in awe. His stomach was dropping, a feeling of excitement he hadn’t felt in years, not since the first time Changmin confessed.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry…” Changmin’s voice broke as hot sobs came from his mouth. Jaejoong weakly raised his right arm to cup the sobbing man’s face. Never had he seen Changmin look so broken.

“It’s okay. Not your fault.” He weakly said. Changmin just shook his head and dove into the crook of Jaejoong’s neck.

“I love you. And I almost lost you. Never, ever again.” The words were said with such conviction that even with Changmin crying, Jaejoong had no choice but to believe them.

Combing his fingers through Changmin’s hair, Jaejoong could feel his own tears wetting his face as joy took over him. The fear of almost losing his life suddenly seemed so far away as he felt bathed in love.

“I love you too, Changmin. I love you.”

Changmin came up and looked deep into Jaejoong eyes and Jaejoong let his eyes express what he was desperately trying to convey for years.

The next time they kissed, Jaejoong knew that everything was going to be okay.


Jaejoong kicked a pile of leaves that Changmin had spent most of the morning trying to clean up.

“You fucker, I’m not cleaning that up!” came the expected yell from his outraged husband.

Jaejoong giggled and kicked another pike, shrieking in laughter when Changmin dropped the rake had been using to come charging at him. Jaejoong turned and ran but barely got a few steps away when the long legs of his lover managed to get him caught up and they both fell forward on the remaining pile of leaves.

Take his chance, Jaejoong stole those full and wide lips he lived for in a passionate kiss, practically feeling when Changmin forgot his anger in lieu of better activities.

“We can’t,” Changmin gasped, “JaeHwa will be here any minute.”

Jaejoong pouted, letting his eyes goes extra wide knowing that even though Changmin claimed immunity to it, Jaejoong’s pleading face won over every time.

With an exasperated huff, Changmin finally fell down on top of Jaejoong submitting to what his older lover had been after for hours now.

A few minutes of intense making out was broken with a high pitched, “ewwwwwww!”

Jaejoong and Changmin both looked up to see Changmin’s 16 year old daughter standing in front of them, huffing in a disgusted manner. The disapproving look reminded Jaejoong so much of Changmin he couldn’t help but bark in laughter as his husband started stuttering an explanation in mortification.

Standing up and pulling the still humiliated taller man to his feet, Jaejoong firmly clasped Changmin’s hands and sent a smile to JaeHwa ushering both of them back into the house to prepare for dinner.

As JaeHwa marched in front of them muttering something about how PDA was so not cool, Jaejoong sneaked a hand down to his husband’s butt and gave a firm squeeze, taking off into a run immediately after when he heard a surprised squeak followed by an outraged cry.

Still so cute, Jaejoong mused a silly smile on his face.

And as he ran, the sun glinting off his wedding ring, Jaejoong knew he had never been happier in his life.


The end!

A/N I hope you enjoyed! I’m terribly sorry for any spelling mistakes and I hope you can excuse the inconsistency’s or holes as this was meant to be a drabble+chapter-esque story. Merry Christmas everyone!

Tags: rating: pg13, secret santa : 2012
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