LENGHT: chaptered | 6 chapters
PAIRINGS: Jaemin (main), Jaeho (in one of the later chapters | one-sided), mentions of Yoosu, mentions of Jaechun, mentions of Jaejoong x OC, Changmin x rich, old man
WARNING: language, violence, angst-y Jaejoong, clichees en masse, no seme/uke dynamics and of course lots of sex
GENRE: romance, smut, action
THANKS TO: narcolept_smurf for beta'ing
I'm not the best friend in the world and I'm not a good lover. To be exact I would probably be the worst lover ever known to menkind. I'm a whore... or call-boy if you want to know the exact term. I don't hear that term as often as 'whore' though so I'll just say whore. I sleep with men for money. That's what I do.
The second time is never like the first time. That is something I had to learn in a job like mine. When the client is gentle and cautious the first time that doesn't mean he'll always be like that. Quite the opposite even. Clients seem to think that after the first fuck a callboy should be used to the slight pain and then they double it. That's not enjoyable for me but my job is about pretending after all.
I'm taken aback by noticing that I'm just like them although maybe out of other reasons than them. I'm trying to not let my weird wants take over me. This horribly wrong urge to kiss and pet him like a lover. Not like the fucking callboy I really am. I can't do that...
And I don't even know why I want to do that. My hands seem to act on their own. They stroke over his chest in a disgustingly gentle motion before I will them to stroke harder and faster down down down. Changmin moans in surprise and his back arches slightly. I'm probably the only one noticing it since my gaze is glued to him.
Ah God, this is not enjoyable with all the things I have to think about.
The old man sits on the couch and watches how I prepare his "boyfriend" for what there is to come. I already have him panting with his fly open, watching us but still... I can't make a mistake now. It would be a mistake to be gentle. It's not because the old man likes it rough, no. It's all about jealousy...
Funny, right? He bought me but still he wishes to be more than just one of the many. I kind of like that in the old man. That innocent way of thinking. And then... maybe he and Changmin fit... Maybe... Somehow that thought makes me sad so I stop my mind from wandering and concentrate on the task at hand.
I let my mouth wander over his torso; lips, tongue and teeth on honey-colored skin. I rouse a little and watch how his chest rises and falls, rises and falls. His breathing has already quickened so either he really likes it or he is a good actor, just like me.
But I would notice if he faked his arousal, wouldn't I?
Before I can think more the kitty is in front of me licking a trail down my chest. I'm surprised but try not to show that. His tongue darts out and licks at my nipple. The old man stares. I look him in the eye for a few moments. And I know that will be enough for a while.
His tongue slithers down my throat and I note how my breathing quickens and my throat feel hot. I need to drink. Then he sucks at a patch of skin on my collarbone and I throw my arms around his hips and sigh. I know I shouldn't do that in the old man's presence but I just have to. Changmin's mouth stands still for a moment. He is shocked. But then he smiles against my skin and continues.
I throw a hidden look at the old man. He doesn't seem to notice exactly what is going on, but maybe he is a little weirded out. Of course he doesn't know what's happening... I don't even know myself and judging from how Changmin glances down as he lets himself fall onto the bedsheets, I doubt he is any wiser.
Quick now. Before the old man notices or jumps to conclusions. I concentrate all my skill on his right nipple, then his left and by the time I reach down to his swollen manhood he already writhes and pants. I knew he wasn't faking. I know I'm good. I don't boast with it but... well, practice makes perfect, right?
And I definitely had enough practice over the last few years.
As I lick at his most sensitive body-part, Changmin releases a strangled moan and grabs the bed-sheets. I hear shuffling clothes from the couch and know that this is exactly what the old man wants to hear from his kitty. Maybe he doesn't get to hear those sounds when he fucks Changmin.
But then Changmin surprises me again. He lifts his body up and pushes me down onto the bed. Change of roles? I'm not too sure I want that... But he doesn't give me time to think about it. His tongue is all over my body immediately and where his mouth goes, this weird tingling feeling follows. I'm hot all over and he doesn't stop.
God, he doesn't stop and I want it to stop although I really don't. I want to be the one in control and at the same time I just don't want it to stop. I wish the old man was gone so I could let myself go.
Although my body is on fire I still note how gentle he is with me. Does he think I care? I mean he called me a whore himself so why does he stroke around my entrance as if I was a virgin. God dammit... A whore like me can take it up the ass without much preparation.
But then... maybe he isn't really experienced when it comes to fucking guys. Maybe he was always the one to be bottom. Maybe... this's his first time? Could be possible since most guys who would keep a sextoy would want him to be submissive... or not?
I spread my legs a bit and reach for the condom and the lube. I'm human even if I'm a fucking whore. The old man still sits on his couch pumping his cock slowly. As I look at him he grins at me and I think maybe he wanted Changmin to do this. Maybe he likes that even more than the thing we did last time.
Maybe I should just stop thinking so much and move on to what I really want to do. And Changmin too. "Just come on already..." I say after he has lubed himself up and notice that my voice sounds breathy and... sexy. I didn't even try to make it sound that way... I'm just really turned on.
Then I feel his cock at my entrance and I stop thinking about... everything. I fist the bedding because hell, that feels good and the view is even better. He gasps, eyes closed to the pleasure as he slides into me. Yeah seems like it's his first time because he leans forward almost as if to kiss me and then asks the most ridiculous question I ever heard in my job. "Does it hurt?"
I can't help the smile that forms on my lips although all I really want to do is to tell him to fuck me already.
"No..." I say and it comes out much to gentle so I add a "Now fuck me already." and let my head fall onto the mattress completely. He blushes and his breathing quickens hearing my words.
Oh, so he really likes the dirty talk. Nice...
Then he begins to move, thrusting his hips forward and I close my eyes. I moan and he moans and it sounds good in a really really weird, erotic, and trashy way. But that's how I feel. Trashy... Here I am getting fucked by one of those guys I regard as even lower than me. It's funny, right?
"Oh God!" I breath out as he hits just that spot. "Oh my fucking God!" He leans forward again and I can hear him panting against my skin. And feel him. Everywhere. My body's on fire. My fucking body is on fire. His pace quickens and I meet his every thrust with my hips. God, God, God.
My hands grab the bed sheets and his hand grabs my cock. He slams in even harder and then I come. I let out a strangled moan and a whimper or something
in between even, and just seconds after me he comes too. I feel him shuddering above me and as I open my eyes I see how his expression softens and he falls forward onto my chest. I glance at the old man because I just remembered he was here too and see that he cleans himself from his sperm.
Changmin slides out of me and to my surprise cuddles closer to me.
Before the old man can say anything (I know he wants to) his cell rings in his pocket and he grumbles, pulling it out. Looking at the caller ID, he visibly pales and hurries out of the room with his pants still undone and stained. I shoot a questioning glance to the door but I know it won't give me answers.
Instead of the door Changmin answers, lips moving against my sweaty chest. "It's his daughter..." he says. "She wants his money and I don't know why but she has him in his grip. Maybe she blackmails him or something..." He lifts himself up from my chest but just a little. I like his warmth although I'm disgustingly sweaty. His finger moves around my right nipple drawing patterns on my chest. A shiver runs down my spine and my stomach feels like there are people running around in it with puffy shoes.
The look in his eyes is far away. "I'm worried about him somehow... I know his daughter and she could rival Cruella Devil." He shivers, then sighs. "God knows what she might do to him. And I like him. Out of all the guys keeping me I like him best."
"But you realize what you're doing here, right?" I ask him, confused about his sudden confessions. "You're pouring your heart out to a whore... Who knows what I might do with it..." To my surprise he merely shrugs.
"Who cares... My life's complicated anyways." His gaze wanders up, up, up reaching my throat. "Besides...I like you... kind of."
"What?" I sputter. "How the fuck is that possible? I thought you were disgusted by my job and my personality... Don't change your opinion like that. Don't you remember our encounter at the club? You didn't like me at all...or did you?" I lift my eyebrow and look at him.
"I did. But you pissed me off." He answered shifting his gaze to my face finally. "To be honest, I think I'm in love with you..." He says and that sounds nothing like a confession. More like he accused me of killing his dog or something.
"What the hell? What makes you think that?"
"Well the description of 'being in love' in my books fits my feelings towards you so I guess I'm in love with you. I can't help it. It just is..." he says as if that's a fucking normal thing for a 19 year old boy to say. Books! He read it in his fucking books! I'm oo shocked to even say a thing.
"You know... after getting fucked by all the rich men I kind of felt as if everything about me was fake. The moans, the whimpers, the smiles... just everything about me seemed so fake." I gulp. That sounds like me talking to Yoochun. I say the exact same things. "And with you... I don't know. I feel real... It's really weird but I don't have to think 'now I'll do this' and 'now I'll do that' when I interact with you." 'Interact?' I think. "I just do... things. It feels good."
Somehow I know what he means. I've always felt as if I was too fake. Sometimes Yoochun can rescue me out of my deep hole and sometimes he can't. I feel just as miserable about the whole fake thing as Changmin, who's now cuddled in my arms with a tired and sad expression on his face.
Then my hands begin to act on their own, stroking his hair. It feels soft and silky under my fingers. He kisses my naked chest and then he kisses my lips.
We kiss and pet each other until we hear the old man come back. Maybe I should read some books too... Or better yet: ask Yoochun. Because this feels weird. In a good way...
The cornflakes Yoochun always eats in the morning are much too colorful for my mood. Black and white... like the old film we're half-watching on the TV while we're having breakfast. More like he stuffs his mouth with yellow, green, pink and blue cornflakes while I rest my head on his shoulder and feel his presence. After all the cornflakes are gone he places the mug on the desk beside the couch and moves his hand into my hair.
"What's wrong, honey?" he asks, concern evident in his voice. Of course he asks. I wanted him to ask. And what I want, I get... at least under normal conditions. Seems like the world isn't normal at the moment.
"Chun, what is it like to be in love?" I ask and feel as if I've just fallen into bad teen-movie. And I'm not even the main character. Yoochun raises an eyebrow and twirls a strand of my hand between his thumb and ring-finger.
"I don't know... It feels good and it hurts... in a very nice way." I raise my head and shoot him a questioning glance.
"How can something hurt in a nice way?" I ask. That seems very weird to me. When I was in love with Tibor it didn't hurt in a nice way. It hurt in a bad way. In a hurtful way... like yeah... it just hurt too much. Yoochun shrugs.
"Maybe everyone experiences love in his own unique way. But to me... that's how it feels." He nods, eyes pointed somewhere only he can see. "Yes, that's how it feels...." Then he seems to snap out of his daze and looks at me, eyes clear. "But why do you ask?"
"Hm..." I shrug. "I just wanted to know how it feels... I guess... I'm not in love. Or..." I sigh, trying to bring my thoughts into an order. "What do you call it if you want to go to him and hug him the whole fucking time? Even if he is not near you and when he is the only thing you can think of is sex... but then some more... like I wanna touch him so bad. It's like I'm not myself anymore. I just can't control myself with him..."
Yoochun just looks at me. Then he smiles and wraps his arms around me. "That's good, Joongie." And I huff. How the hell is that supposed to be good? "No, really. To me that seems a bit like you're new to the whole thing... Love, I mean." He shakes his head again and kisses my hair. "You know about sex... A lot... but you don't know anything about love. Just desire..."
"But how the fuck am I supposed to get myself out of this jungle of feelings? Your oh-so-wise comments don't help one bit."
"I never said I could help you." His lips press onto mine and his hands tangle in my hair as I press my body against his chest and open his mouth with my tongue. I haven't seen Changmin for almost three weeks and it's bugging me. The old man just doesn't want me anymore and I wonder what's up. After five days of not seeing Changmin (and the old man) at all some kind of frustration settled in.
I wrap my arms around Yoochun's body and feel his broad chest against my hands. I'm finally about to release some frustration into sex. It's not something out of the ordinary that Yoochun comes crawling into my bed after a stressful day and I do the same sometimes.... Just sometimes. It's odd to fuck your best friend. Even for a whore like me.
"Jaejoong..." he sighs and it doesn't feel right although we're both notably excited. It doesn't feel right to me. I want to stop but to my surprise he rouses and moves away a few centimeters.
"I'm sorry, Joongie." He says. "I'm in love with someone and I don't want to think about him the whole time we're doing it." He sighs and looks as if that's a fucking crime. "That's why I said it hurts in such a nice way..."
I'm surprised but try not to let it show. My best friend is in love and why the fuck am I feeling so... jealous. I guess that's normal... or isn't it? I really should read some books...
"Yeah... okay." I say. "No problem, Chun." I try to form my lips into a smile and succeed. Yoochun smiles back with all his teeth and love for me. Then I move away a bit and cover my erection. It's okay... Kind of...
"What's his name?" I ask and Yoochun blushes. It's kind of weird to talk about his love interest when I can still feel his lips on mine. I'll have to call someone... Or else I'll really get sexually frustrated. But who am I going to call? There's no one who would jump and leave everything for me... or my body... But there's one guy I'd really like to have in my bed today...
"Junsu..." Yoochun says with a blush on his cheeks.
Yunho, I think with a smirk on my lips.
I look at the sunny city in front of me through the big glass window. He has nice apartment. Seems like a he's big shot at the police office... But then again even in university his parents spoiled him like a ten year old and a big apartment with expensive furniture doesn't have to mean anything.
But it's nice nonetheless... Especially compared to the cramped little apartment me and Yoochun own. And the furniture is jumbled together too. I like to think of it as an artful style/mix of chaos. And I have Yoochun with me. Yunho seems to have no one.
The big glass window turns me on, I note. I wonder what it is like to be fucked against the cold glass for the whole world to see and... Jaejoong, when have you begun to think like the whore you are?
I redirect my mind to Yoochun's new lover... or soon-to-be-lover. He seems nice and good-looking and good in bed also but you can never trust a lovestruck man. They are blind and dumb. Especially Chunnie. Like I said, he loves with his whole body and soul... and brain.
Yunho comes back from the kitchen handing me a glass of wine. I don't know why he even talks to me... I said I was a whore... Maybe he doesn't believe me. Maybe having someone you know sink so far is too shocking for him. Maybe he just wants to fuck me now that he knows I do it for money. Or maybe he wants to talk to me and offer me a job... somewhere where I don't have to sleep with old men but get half of the
money I get paid now. No, I won't take any other job.
I lean against the cold glass, letting one leg touch it. He stares at me, lust in his eyes like a burning fire. Oh, I know he wants me. He's always wanted me so much... I know. He even jacked off with my name on his lips when he thought I was sleeping. And knowing that makes me take everything a little lighter. Seducing him will be piece of cake.
"Jaejoong..." he begins and I know what he's gonna say. I could bet on it. "...about your job..." Jackpot! "...haven't you ever thought about getting a new one... I mean even if you get paid less. Isn't anything better than..." He clears his throat, embarrassed. That's so adorable. "...what you do now, you know?"
I shake my head and his nervous smile falters. "No, I like it." I say and try to make it sound final. I don't want to talk about my job. I want him to fuck me, dammit. That's why I came here in the first place.
"What exactly do you like about it? Can't be 'coming in contact with people', right?" At that, I smile. He's funny... He's changed. He used to be a real dork with thick-rimmed glasses, a weird sense of humor and a body like a girl. He's changed... Especially his body. He's hot... but I can still see the dork peeking out from underneath.
"I like the money. The thought of the money I get after one of those bastards has fucked me turns me on so much that I can even give a great show." He blushes. Maybe dirty talk is one of my special talents. I don't know. "And why does it concern you? I know you've been after my ass since the first day we met. So why don't you just take your chance and make your wet dreams come true." His hand begins to tremble. "I'd even do it for free and that's not because your money turns me on."
I stalk forward and touch his broad chest, feeling muscles, nipples. I remember our dance. Reaching both hands behind his back I press my body against his.
That's what I need... To my dismay Yunho doesn't move.
Seems like he's in shock so I use the moment to press my lips against his.
That seems to wake him from his daze seeing how suddenly his tongue dives into my mouth and I gasp. Good God.
The kiss is slippery and wanton, dripping with suppressed need on both sides. His hands are everywhere and I can feel his hard cock against me. The best of it all is that he presses me against the big window overlooking the city and begins to unbutton my shirt.
Can he read my mind? The cold glass against my back is a stark contrast to my overheated body and his lips are everywhere. Teeth nipping at my skin, tongue flicking around my nipples and I moan. "Fuck..." I say because that's what I have to say. "Fuck..."
Why did I just imagine the little kitty writhing underneath me? I concentrate on Yunho and his hot body, his skillful tongue and his erection against mine. Yunho pants against my ear as I begin to knead his manhood through his pants. And it sounds good and it sounds sexy.
But even while my whole body's rocked by one of the greatest orgasms I ever had, my whole body shivering with Yunho deep inside me and my back still against the glass... all I can hear are those pretty little sounds the kitty made while I fucked him. And that's what driving me insane even more than the thought of the people who are maybe watching us having sex against the glass or Yunho, moaning my name over and over and over.
The old man called me. He called me. Maybe he just had too much to do to call his favorite callboy. Maybe he was just having a hard time with Cruela Devil as Changmin called her. Could be, right?
To be honest after the mind blowing sex with Yunho a few days ago I felt even worse than before. Maybe that was caused by him dozing off right after it or maybe by Yoochun cuddling to a giddy Junsu on the couch. I even heard him say 'I love you, Susu'.
Yeah, Yoochun. Master of Cheese. Love is an overrated word...
But I'm happy for him. This Junsu-guy seems okay although I have to say that his smile has the same effect on me as Yoochun's colorful cornflakes. It frustrates me...
And the weather is frustrating, too. It's cold and rainy... It doesn't rain all the time but when it rains it rains heavy. The front door isn't locked but I'm used to that. The old man has people sliding in and out of his building all the time and I don't bother to point out that it is a chance for thieves. He would just say that thieves wouldn't suspect the door of a mansion filled with expensive things unlocked. And maybe he's right.
And on cold days like this one I'm happy that I can just slip into the warmth without waiting at the door for hours. Yes, I like the old man. I wonder if Changmin is home though... I don't want to but I hope he is somewhere near. I don't even know why I hope that... I don't want to hope that.
The door to the bed room is open, too. He's probably already waiting for me inside. And maybe the kitty too.
But there is no kitty in the bedroom. Just trash... Human trash... and blood... so much blood.
Everything's red. The bedding's are soaked with the red liquid. Is this some kind of joke?
All I can do is stare at the old man's dead body, lifeless, cut open. I can see his flesh... And tears begin to form in my eyes. He looks like a pig... like a slaughtered pig. Like the ones you see on TV... only different because he's human. He doesn't look like one. He looks like a cut open piece of meat and I can feel my heart beating rapidly against my rib-cage.
Cold sweat on my forehead and hands and tears on my cheeks.
Still, I can't move, can't scream and can't stop to stare either. In a perverted way the dead, naked body fascinates me. How short a human life is and... why? Why is he dead? He can't be dead...
The tears begin to cloud my view and I clasp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from sobbing. I don't feel anything... but I cry and I sob, murmuring 'Ohmygodohmygodohmygod'. It's like I'm so far away from my body...
He's so open and exposed how he lies there... cut open and naked. It's like his soul is spilling onto the bedsheets and not his blood. He's even more disgusting then everything I've ever seen in the streets while selling my body.
When has this happened? Just now? And where's the kitty? Where's Changmin? He can't be dead too, can he? He can't...
I just stare while my body sinks to the floor, boneless, bare of any strength. And then the kitty comes in. Changmin comes in and sees the slaughtered old man.
I didn't want him to see that. I don't want anyone to see something this cruel.
The moment he sees the old man he begins to cry but not as hard as I did. It almost seems as if he just can't believe. It seems as if he is too shocked to comprehend anything at all. His tears are silent tears but nontheless they make me snap out of my daze and call out for help before I go over to the kitty, still with my heart beating too fast.
I stroke his hair with my damp hands. I notice that he trembles and then I notice that I tremble, too.
He doesn't say a word though. Just cries.
It's only when some officers come to take us to the police station that he finally realizes what has happened. And then I'm there to take him into my arms and stroke his back while he sobs against my chest. Other than that... I don't know what to do. This is all a little too much for me and it's too fast. Just the other day he called me and then all of a sudden he's dead...
He's really dead... You can't change that anymore... This thought clears my mind a bit. But clearing my mind also leads me to a question...
Are we going to be interrogated as suspects or witnesses?
Obviously I'm interrogated as a suspect. How I know that? Well... you don't make traumatized witnesses sit in a stale white room only furnished by one single table and a few chairs. No, I'm clearly a suspect here and I know that although noone has asked me anything yet. I don't know about Changmin though... They seperated us the moment we stepped in the building.
There's only a guy standing in the corner seemingly to assure that I don't run away... But noone to ask me questions. I want this to be over... What if they suspect the poor, little call-boy who doesn't have money and... I mean call-boys are always suspected first... And after that... the lovers...
Maybe Changmin is interrogated just like I am... He's probably having the shock of his life and speaking of that I wonder why I can be so calm about it... I look at the big mirror on the wall... yeah right... mirror... and now I really feel like a fucking criminal. What is this? Are they trying to wear me down?
I fucking hate the police... I hate them
"Mr. Kim?" A voice sends me to the normal world again. "Mr. Kim Jaejoong, right?" I look to the door and see a nervous boy standing there with a clip-board in his hand. He has dark hair and eyes and he kind of reminds me of someone... Maybe someone I knew from the street... He definitvely looks pretty enough to sell his body. But then again... Why should he work for the police then?
"Yeah, that's me..." I say and try not to sound relieved. At last someone to talk to. "Why am I still waiting here? Am I a suspect?" Of course I am. I know that... The boy looks at me all wide-eyed and closes the door. What the fuck is wrong with him? I sigh... Can't they just start?
This day has been bad enough for me. And I don't want to think of the old man... No, I don't. It's still making my whole body shake in... what I don't even know. I need a smoke... I need a fucking smoke to calm myself down. It's all too much for me. God, let me out here!
The door's yanked open once again and a stern-looking woman comes in, motioning to the guy standing in the corner that he can leave. A man follows after her, steps strong and full of confidence. It's as if he has to assure himself everything will be alright and after I take look at his face I understand why. I can understand that it would be hard to interrogate a man suspected in a murder-case that you've just fucked two days ago.
But I know... even if Yunho is the one questioning me I doesn't heighten my chance of being let free. Yunho takes a seat across from me and licks his lips.
"Mr. Kim? This is Officer Higurashi and I'm Detective Jung. I'll now ask you a few questions regarding the incident at the Nightingale-mansion..." Nightingale-mansion? I think. I didn't know the house was called Nightingale-mansion... What is that? Some kind of monument? They still look at me without saying a word so I lean back in my chair and give them what they want or not want to hear.
"Okay.." I say and try to sound as unaffected as I can possibly be. "Mr. Shim said that he found you in the room with the body and that you were alone. Is that correct?" The woman bores her eyes into my forehead as if she can magicaly see the truth there.
"Who the fuck is Mr. Shim?" I ask and the woman gapes at me so I add an. "If I may ask..."
"Mr. Shim Changmin. You know him... at least he said so..."
Oh, it's the kitty. Shim... What a weird way to find out the kitty's surname... It's kind of funny but I can't laugh seeing that I'm a suspect in a murder-case... Yeah, I don't like this situation.
"Oh... Then...Yes, that's right." I say and look at Yunho. I don't know him, I repeat to myself. If I let something slip about our relations he'll be taken out of our little conversation before I can mutter an 'Oh shit!'. That's for sure.
"So may I ask the matter that brought you there?" Man, this is getting really fucked up. I didn't do anything but here I am and look at me... It seems I can't get out of this so easily.
"Yeah, I was there because he asked me to come. Yesterday I he called me and said that he needed my... well..." I draw quotation marks into the air. "...assistance. In short that he wanted to fuck me..." The woman gasps and Yunho shoots her a warning glance. "I'm his call-boy so there... you have our relations." I shrug. "I know the kitty... I mean Mr. Shim of course... from those cases of assistance as well."
"The chef made a statement that you and Mr. Shim seemed close. What is the matter with that? Are the two of you a couple? And did you try to get rid of him because of that perhaps?" I don't know how Yunho can ask me something like that with such a straigth face. Damn him! I knew the police was good for nothing but trouble...
"No..." I try to keep my calm. Maybe punch him in the face verbally. "We're not as close as the chef thinks and besides... I like my life as a free man. I'm free to do anything, really. For example get fucked against a window-pane ... Happened just two days ago..." I say smiling at him. Take that you bastard!
Yunho gulps and wets his lips again. He knows he's in trouble... It won't be good for his reputation and job if maybe and of course absolutely accidentaly let something slip about our little adventure... And life doesn't seem that miserable anymore.
On my way out I thank Yunho who's still sitting at his desk and tries to make Officer Higurashi believe the same things he does. That I've not killed the old man and I hope he doesn't only believe that because I blackmailed him... It could mean trouble...
And perhaps I don't want him to think that badly about me. Even if I probably never see him again... Yeah, I know it's selfish but I can't help it... Seeing how easy one can die has thrown me into an melancholy-hole. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much... again.
On my way out I see the kitty...No, Changmin how he stands in the rain and seems to wait for something. He still trembles a bit but I'm glad the officers let him go. I go near him and look at his face. He's crying... The tears falling from his eyes mixing with the rain and there's so much I want to say. I can't though...
"Hey kitty..." I say cautiosly and try not to touch him. I fail and my hand reaches out for his arm. At my touch he flinches but he doesn't move away.
"Hey whore..." he says, sniffling. My hand moves up to his shoulder and strokes over his jacket. I want to comfort him but I don't know how... I don't know what to say or do... but Changmin speaks again. "Everything's over... They said I should go home but I can't go home because home was there with the old man and I can't stand that place anymore... I can't..." A broken sob comes from deep inside him. "And I don't want to go back to my mom... God knows what she'll do if she sees me again. Probably beat me up..."
I wrap him into my arms and stroke his hair although he's dripping wet from the hard rain. I don't really care... "Then come with me..." I say and he notabely stiffens in my arms. "I'll have to ask Yoochung first though... But I'm sure he wouldn't mind you temporarily living with us... Really... So until you've found a job or something..."
Changmin sniffles against my chest. "Really...?" he asks and sounds like a 19 year old boy for the first time since I've met him. Maybe I'll take the kitty home now. I'd like to do that.
"Really..." I say.
And this time I know it's not the rain or that he's so pretty... No, that has nothing to do with it...
I sometimes think that everything has changed now that we're three people in min and Yoochun's apartment. It's been only two weeks since the kitty moved in and I already get some kind of homey feeling back from a time I don't want to remember anymore... Maybe from a time when I was fourteen and the world still seemed full of love and happiness.
The time when I didn't care what I looked like as long as I was comfortable. With my ugly pullovers, my hideous short hair-cut and my happy dog Lulu. Maybe this feeling is what people call 'content' but I don't remember anymore... Yeah maybe...
I miss Lulu... She's been with me in all my good times. She even became some kind of symbol for my life that wasn't corrupted. My lovely dog with the soft fur that was made to stroke and smile into. I have a kitty stalking around my apartment now. But cats are so much more indipendent than dogs are...
There's so much that's different now that I have the two of them... The kitty and Yoochun. There are times I catch myself humming a silly song while I walk around the apartment and I don't know where that comes from. I stop myself though before anyone can hear.
I lost my job. That's different from the life like it was some weeks ago. Tibor said that noone wants to fuck me anymore now that there's a rumor about me killing my clients. They say even though they like the dangerous vibe I give of the don't want it to be that dangerous. But Tibor lied...
He practically begged me for a goodbye-fuck and since he's played such a big part in my life for so long I granted his wish. I'll never do it with him again. He's gone now and I'm okay with that... Bye Tibor...
So that changed... My relationship to Yoochun changed, too. We still talk and hug and comfort and even kiss each other sometimes. But we don't fuck each other anymore. Yoochun has Junsu and I have... well, I don't know if I have him...
But Yoochun and I... We have made it a habit to meet on the balcony every day when Changmin is in bed already and then we talk about God knows what. Sometimes we get drunk on a bit of red wine but unlike before we part after that and go to bed. And Yoochun doesn't crawl into my bed like he used to after getting emotional and drunk.
I think it's probably better that way. After all it's easier to have a relaxed breafast with a person you didn't have wild sex with the night before.
My realtionship to Changmin has changed in many aspects. He still throws me witty remarks and I still answer with just as much sarcasm. We still fight. A lot... And we're still unstable in everything we do...
He blushes when he sees me and I want to touch him so bad even if he's just walking by. "Yoochun says we are amusing...)
We touch and kiss and piss each other off but he comes and sleeps in my bed every night. It's confusing and still in the making but it feels good. Whatever 'it' is.
The sex. That's different now. We still have sex even without the old man ordering us to. A lot... But now...
It's not about the show anymore. It's the real thing. The real kind of 'love'-thing or that's what Yoochun would call it. I don't know about love though... Love is an overrated word.
I sometimes think it's mere sexual attraction... Still... Even now... But these are usually the times I'm on my knees with his cock deep inside me, lust rocking my whole body, so perhaps that doesn't count. These are the times I can't even think right let alone mutter a word. The only thing I can do is moan and whimper his name.
And that's no show... I don't think 'What would he like to hear now?' or 'What would turn him on even more?' or stuff like that. I don't think at all when he's fucking me.
Some things don't change though. He still makes the prettiest sounds I've ever heard. But I know these are the real thing. Like the blush he wears all over his body when I start to talk dirty. I know that turns him on big time. And I don't do that for any reward. Just to hear him pant and beg for more and perhaps to see him tremble.
Well, maybe that is an reward. He looks really fucking beautiful.
Or maybe the real thing is that feeling and the way we kiss, long and slow, after we both reached the peak. Or it is his whisper in my ear saying: "I hate you..." in that sleepy tone. I answer "I hate you to..." without thinking much and wrap his warm, naked body into my arms. "So fucking much..." I say. "I hate you so fucking much..." because after all love is an overrated word.