|torment of the soul
||[Nov. 12th, 2004|09:31 pm]
i know what it is to love... to love someone with all your being, so that you can't imagine ever being without them. love that transcends everything you have ever imagined possible for yourself. it changes you so that you're never the same person again... i like to call it "Great Love". i love him a trillion times more than i love any other. he is more myself than i am...
but as i type this tears are spilling down my face and my heart is in anguish. i think about my love and about losing him and i am suffering. so much so that i don't know how to describe it...
i am conflicted. i almost feel as though i would rather lose him now, before a family and shared griefs that bring strengthened bonds, before a life together. i'd give up every dream i have of getting married and raising a family, or find someone who would be easier to lose. and let him move on... for i think my distress now would be nothing to the loss i'd feel then, as though losing him now would lessen my inevitable pain, sorrow, and emptiness.
or would it leave me living am empty life? could i ever experience true joy again, knowing what i gave up? even if i devoted my life to charitable service or someone i did not love with "Great Love"? could one find fulfillment in a life like that, holding inside themselves what they gave up? would i constantly live in the past, looking back on it with regret? that is the one way i want to die- without any regret.
so now it comes to this: love and leave, and live plagued by the past? or love and live, and lose yourself in the end? it's an enigma. either way, there is ambiguity. either way, a part of me will die. it's just a matter of when...