To want to hurt those without actually hurting them.
Yea...I think about fucking dead men.
I picture my self placing the pump in through a cut in the scrotum, and inside the flesh of the penis, and riding it till blood spurted out of his mouth.
Sounds gross right?
Sounds like the best dildo ever.
I read about this serial killer who had 2 kids and a wife, he bought his own refrigrator so he could keep the body parts he chopped off of women so he could touch them and masturbate to them.
He would chop them off himself.
To want to fuck something, and be sexual with something....?
What is this internal need telling us?
I know that I am not the only one that has it. What is this sick perversion, the entertainment that is the desinigration of human nature.
It's 4:49 in the morning...do you know where your'self' is?
I love my self for the way I feel. I can take a deep breath, and smile at being alive. So many things make me happy...yet so many of them seem so very wrong to be happy from. Yet my happiness remains.
Then again my feelings seem so confused...today I stole a little rubber duckie from clairs while shopping with the little girl I nanny for, and while it sits here next to my laptop, I smile at it cause it's sooooooo damned cute,....yet I hate myself for stealing, especially in front of the little girl.
I am a fucked up person.
What I think and feel are right, I know are wrong.
This causes me to ask am I being programmed to think the wrong things are right and the right things are wrong? Is my secret love for the things my instincts tell me are right is really my rejection of the man and his imposition upon my Psyche?
I'd like to think it is, yet I know that I am insane...what makes me so sure I am insane?
It's 4:55 in the morning. Between 1:23 am and 4:56 am I did the following.
1:23 am -I woke up, and ate vegetarian chili.
Between 1:23 and 1:35 -I called the guy at the college radio station that I tricked into giving me his cell phone number, then hit it off on the phone with while he was on his lunch break from TLC where he works. We were supposed to have a date tonight, but I fell asleep after I got off work at 7pm.
Between 1:38 and 3:34am Brent and Ross came over. Ross downloaded about 15 different electronic music songs, and looked at pictures from a rave while Brent talked, and Ross and I smoked bongs.
3:39 Ross and brent leave. lihP calls, and I skateboard to Dougs house get money, skate back, wait for lihP, lihP comes I get in his car, make the transfer of money and weed. Skate back to Dougs, come home
4:3...something.: I attempt to track down the guy I slept with this past weekend, and haven't talked to in 2 or 3 days, find this community, and start ranting about my fucked up nature….and now it’s 5:05 am.
What does all this mean?
Can I read the digital sound strip off my reel of film and see the composers face in the pattern?
I don’t think I can.
That’s what scariest, not knowing what is next.
Which brings me back to my original intention of finding those which might not want to be found so I may remain unsure of my future, cause as ffeJ implies in all his hatred of my interpretations of my examples of Karma, this play hasn’t been written yet, we are writing it.
The night I decided I wanted to sleep with ffeJ a whole bunch of things happened, like my phone just wouldn’t call him, and either would Sal’s, or the house phone. An operator would come on, or it would say call later. The forces were telling me not to sleep with him. Then the next day, despite the forces, I did it.
Now what happens??
Before I was the girl of his dreams, the next second, there is no phone call.
Not that I care, cause I don’t…but what’s the deal? Was my interpretation of the situation a premonition of the obvious?
Maybe this is just an effect from the cause of my slutdom, maybe I’m just crazy. Either way…it’s 5:14 in the fucking morning. I have work 20 minutes away at 8 am.
Do you know where your self is?
Fuck. <----the poetic expression of the emmotion that only comes out with one word responses.
By the way, when I saw the name of the community I thought "oH cool. A group for intellectual singles."