Eva Green

Paper Doll

Paper Doll

I like to think that my silence, my carefully conjured indifference is just my way of preserving my dignity. But I already know know I have none left. I surrendered it all when I first looked up into your eyes and realized I didnt have to pretend to be in love with you.

Every time we'd break apart my heart would cry out in protest. I had to curb every instinct that shouted for me to linger in your arms. Those dark eyes, warm as the melting chocolate effect you know had on my knees, could envelop me in your embrance with as much certainity as your lean muscles were capable of doing. That last night when you clutched me tightly and spun me up in the air, your brown orbs were as bright as stage lights, as blinding and as bewitching.

You had never held me like that before. Catherine maybe. But not ME. Damn, was that deceptive.

I knew in that instant, that my passion for you had much in common with my new found love for the theatre. Completely irrational as both these things were so far beyond me, things I could never have imagined wanting. But at the same time completely steady; for I was willing to wait till the opportune moment where I may someday gain each.

Perhaps one day this patient, deep well of affection I feel for you will fade. Maybe Ill be able to dance with other boys, listen to the Mills Brothers and talk of marriage with someone other than you. But that will not, can not lessen the impact you've had on my poor fragile heart. You are the first boy for whom Ive felt something other than the head strong youthful urgency to posses, insipte of the fact that my insane attraction to you is undeniable.

I was, maybe still am, content to let our fictitious relationship mature, like a fine wine. I want you in full bloom, not half baked. Romantically or platonically, I really cant say. But I think that right now I might just love you. Just a little bit.

to JM; From P

I know that you will never gonna read this letter, because when I finished to write this, you and I we will living our lives in different sides of the same.

When I meet you, I thought that you will be different... and you are different, but I can´t imagine that you will be so different.
We shared a lot, we think the same things in many stuffs: politics, music, books, hobbies, tv shows, etc.
And we start to date... as a friends
We kissed some times, we touched other times, and we shared more time together.
I spent some nights in your place, and you have space here, in my place.

I love you.
And I start to fall in love of you.
Every time that you go for me at my job. Every time that we was on bed, reading the newspaper, drinking our coffee (black, no sugar for you, latté for me).

But, the things are change now. you met someone else. And I have to face the truth, I will never be the one for you.
And that's hurts.

I'm trying to forget you, but it's hard. There's so many memories and good moment that we lived together.
I really wish you the best of the luck in your new life.

I don't love you, like I do yesterday, but I love you.
Be happy.

  • Current Music
    Alone - Heart

(no subject)

I'm secretly in love with my best friend.
But there's a really huge barrier between us.
He's gay.

I just found out tonight.
I mean, of course I had suspected, but the harder I fell for him the more I hoped I was wrong.
But tonight he said goodbye to his on-again, off-again fling, for probably the last time.
And he was so messed up he needed to tell someone. So he told me.
I'm glad he did. It's good to know.
I love him, and it killed me to see him hurting. It killed me to hear him crying and know there was nothing I could do to make it better.
It killed me to hear him talking about this other boy the way I think about him all the time.
It just killed me.

I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't know what to do, or think, or say.
But I do know one thing.
His ex-best friend is the reason the situation with his guy is so fucked up.
She was in love with him too, and she convinced him that a relationship with a guy was not what he wanted.
I know that I will show him that she is a selfish, childish bitch. I know that I will be there for him, to love him, and to do things for him, and to make him laugh when he's down, and to bring him food when he's hungry, and to hold him when he cries.
I will show him what a best friend is really supposed to be like. I will be everything he needs to me to be and more.
I don't care how much it kills me. I don't care that I will die slowly every time he talks about the other man.
I don't care.
I love him. And I will do this for him.

Damn, I hope this gets better.

To The Captain

The love letter that I will never send. Note: "Captain" and "Lieutenant" are kind of like nicnames we have for each other, because we are trekkies (no matter how many glares I get from the Captain who insisits "Trekkers... Trek-KERS")

Dear Captain,

For one moment, and hopefully the only moment in my life, I'm going to be serious. This is hard for me, harder than anything that I've ever had to do before or anything that I will ever have to do in life ever again. I just wanted to tell you that I love you-- I'm in love with you.

I couldn't believe it, it just kind of snuck up and latched onto me and I suddenly woke up one day and realized it for the first time. I kept my mouth shut. I tried to make it go away - it didn't. I tried avoiding you, then being mad at you, then being mad at myself telling myself I was being stupid and none of it worked. And then I was excited to come out here to the West Coast and I was thinking, YES. This is the perfect oppertunity. Maybe if I can be in a situation where I can't see you (you being on the East Coast), then I'll just forget and come to my senses. And I was wrong, in every sense of the word. I'm literally living the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

It hurts so hard being away from you, not being able to see you and it's been like this for the entire five monthes I've been out here, with no signs of ending. My heart breaks again and again, every morning I wake up and realize that I'm in Vancouver which may as well be as far away from you as the moon is. But at least the moon can still see you. Not fekking fair.

I've had relationships before, but none that I felt so strongly for and I'm not even sure what our relationship is even supposed to be at this point. All that I know is that whenever my friend asks me what I love, it's your name that immediately comes to mind.

I met a boy out here named Jordan that I like as a friend. I tried to have a crush on him, or just anything to make me get past you, but it didn't work. Sometimes I wonder if there are evil forces out in the omniverse who just love scewing with my head - one of the boys who live in the apartment upstairs has your name and he looks like you. And when I met him, I could hardly say a word and then I went back down to my room and I cried because I miss you.

I know I shouldn't be in love with you. It doesn't make any sense, there's no reason for it whatsoever, and I don't know if you want me to or not or what you feel, but I do. And apparently there isn't anything at all that I can do about it. Which is why this is so hard. Because I don't want you to hate me or freak out and then never want to see me or talk to me ever again. And damnit, age has nothing to do with anything, so don't even dare try to bring that in here because there's no place for it. It's just an excuse, something to hide behind, because for all I know you are as messed up and confused and in denial about this as I am. But it's a bottom line here, you either love me back or you don't. And asking you that just scares the hell out of me because if I don't ask then I can just pretend that you do.

Signed, Your Lieutenant. Forever and always.

i'm not that kind of girl

on the first day of freshman year of high school i decided that i wanted him but it wasn't until senior year that i realized that i would never get over him.
He and I were very close friends. With awkward sexual tension. He was the kind of guy who could have any girl he wanted yet he maintained a kind of secret relationship with me. Some of the best times of my life were had with him.
I thought things would eventually work out if i just let it bloom. He made hints at asking me to prom and i pictured some type of disney ending to this four year...thing.
Then he started dating a girl with a big forehead, that he took to prom instead. She is unbearably attractive, smart, well liked, well read...
...and as for me, five years later i'm alone thinking of the things that could have been and hoping one day i can find someone who made me feel like you did.
I close my eyes when i'm in bed with other men and think about you.

(no subject)

Dear ex-lover,
i can't bear the though of you with her... "Lizzie"
Everytime you talk about her it breaks me up inside. You always said you couldn't love anyone the way you loved me but... this is just the beginning for you. You'll soon forget about me and i can't bear to think of me without you.

I'm still in love with you. Truly, madly, deeply. I think about you all the time and everytime i talk to you or i feel your presence i can't help but think of what we've lost.
You asked me the other day how this happened to us... i really wish i could answer that.
You were the one... and in my eyes still are.

I know that everytime i tell you how i feel, it messes you up inside but i want it to. I want you to regret falling for her, i want it to break you up inside and i need you to yearn for me and come back to me. Never have i put myself before you.. but i can't help but do it now.
I want you.

My girlfriend of two months could never give me what i have with you. I could never love her and the thought of her falling in love with me disgusts me.. really. I don't want her.. and i'd drop her, if you said the word. The thought of her wanting me makes me feel somewhat better in myself and when i kiss her it gives me a moment to picture you. Your arms around me and the love we shared.

The thing you're with... i just.. can't believe her really.. moving you further away from me.. to Scotland. I don't want you up there, i want you here. Why is she more important to you than me? I hate that. I hate her... so damn much & i can't believe she's stopping me from being near you. When you told me about the move.. and that when you get there we probably won't talk.. i shut down.
I shut down my feelings for you.
I made myself forget. I made myself act somewhat distant in front of you.. i had to.
Now you're confused... you're confused of the person i've become and the jealousy just keeps growing.

I can't help but be angry at you and her everytime i talk to you. I just want to tell you i love you..
all the time.. god i do.
You still tell me you love me and i love the peace of mind it brings.. even though it's just for a few seconds. I love that.

I wish i could go back a couple of months and change everything. Change myself.
That way i might never have lost you.

I love you
& i'll always be sorry

Yours always,
Tah x

(no subject)

I'm seventeen and a lesbian. I am in love with my best friend. This is new for me, and I don't want to ruin it. I mean, having friends is a new thing for me. I am socially awkward thanks to my crapload of disabililities. I love her, and by god I want her more then anything in the world. I cherish every moment I get with her. But I don't know what to do. This is scary for me. I mean I want to do something about it so badly. But I never did anything about it before. She is very kind to me. She is completely utterly amazing. She's straight....I'm sorry. I try not to love her, I try. Nothing can stop it. I am nothing like the kind of person believes...I'm too broken for her.

A missing letter

My Dearest

I love you
I love you even when you are so far and away.
I love you since I hear your voice, because with your voice you told me the most intelligent phrases that I ever heard.
I love you when you try to do your best in dance, but you can't move in a good way.

Love you when you' re teaching or explain the others the things... when you talk, everything is so easy to understood.

When the night as cold and lonely, I just think of you, and I feel by my side... talk in to my ear. 

I'm still holding the secret hope that we will be together... but I feel lonely tonight, and I need you... even if you're not there, I can't stop loving you.

You're the only one who can fullified this empty place right here, at my side. That side of the bed looks so big without you.

When I'm in your arms, the world looks like a safe place to live, you help me to fight against my demons, and bring me a little confidence.

I miss you
I need you
I need walk with you, take each other hand.
I need play with you and your dogs... you're full of joy.
I need stay with you and watch the sunset arround our city
I need feel your body against my body, your arms arround me, feel your heart beat when you catch me in the street.

Came here soon hun... this is your place, you know it.

Always Yours


  • Current Music
    With or Without You - U2

(no subject)

what does it mean when he calls me his muse?
one of many pet names out of the mouth of a boy who doesnt use pet names. terms of endearment, or otherwise.

what does it mean when i'm the one he calls whenever he's drunk and tells me how much he misses me and wants to see me, (we live 12 hours apart) and tells me he thinks something serious would be a good thing, and then when sober he's unsure of seriousness.

i feel like i'm in limbo.

i love him so so much, my soulmate, honestly, and i know he loves me, but what is all this cryptic nonsense?