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Paper Doll [26 Oct 2008|02:02pm]


Paper Doll

I like to think that my silence, my carefully conjured indifference is just my way of preserving my dignity. But I already know know I have none left. I surrendered it all when I first looked up into your eyes and realized I didnt have to pretend to be in love with you.

Every time we'd break apart my heart would cry out in protest. I had to curb every instinct that shouted for me to linger in your arms. Those dark eyes, warm as the melting chocolate effect you know had on my knees, could envelop me in your embrance with as much certainity as your lean muscles were capable of doing. That last night when you clutched me tightly and spun me up in the air, your brown orbs were as bright as stage lights, as blinding and as bewitching.

You had never held me like that before. Catherine maybe. But not ME. Damn, was that deceptive.

I knew in that instant, that my passion for you had much in common with my new found love for the theatre. Completely irrational as both these things were so far beyond me, things I could never have imagined wanting. But at the same time completely steady; for I was willing to wait till the opportune moment where I may someday gain each.

Perhaps one day this patient, deep well of affection I feel for you will fade. Maybe Ill be able to dance with other boys, listen to the Mills Brothers and talk of marriage with someone other than you. But that will not, can not lessen the impact you've had on my poor fragile heart. You are the first boy for whom Ive felt something other than the head strong youthful urgency to posses, insipte of the fact that my insane attraction to you is undeniable.

I was, maybe still am, content to let our fictitious relationship mature, like a fine wine. I want you in full bloom, not half baked. Romantically or platonically, I really cant say. But I think that right now I might just love you. Just a little bit.
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to JM; From P [19 Sep 2008|09:55pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

I know that you will never gonna read this letter, because when I finished to write this, you and I we will living our lives in different sides of the same.

When I meet you, I thought that you will be different... and you are different, but I can´t imagine that you will be so different.
We shared a lot, we think the same things in many stuffs: politics, music, books, hobbies, tv shows, etc.
And we start to date... as a friends
We kissed some times, we touched other times, and we shared more time together.
I spent some nights in your place, and you have space here, in my place.

I love you.
And I start to fall in love of you.
Every time that you go for me at my job. Every time that we was on bed, reading the newspaper, drinking our coffee (black, no sugar for you, latté for me).

But, the things are change now. you met someone else. And I have to face the truth, I will never be the one for you.
And that's hurts.

I'm trying to forget you, but it's hard. There's so many memories and good moment that we lived together.
I really wish you the best of the luck in your new life.

I don't love you, like I do yesterday, but I love you.
Be happy.


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[15 Jan 2008|11:19pm]

I'm secretly in love with my best friend.
But there's a really huge barrier between us.
He's gay.

I just found out tonight.
I mean, of course I had suspected, but the harder I fell for him the more I hoped I was wrong.
But tonight he said goodbye to his on-again, off-again fling, for probably the last time.
And he was so messed up he needed to tell someone. So he told me.
I'm glad he did. It's good to know.
I love him, and it killed me to see him hurting. It killed me to hear him crying and know there was nothing I could do to make it better.
It killed me to hear him talking about this other boy the way I think about him all the time.
It just killed me.

I have no idea what I want anymore. I don't know what to do, or think, or say.
But I do know one thing.
His ex-best friend is the reason the situation with his guy is so fucked up.
She was in love with him too, and she convinced him that a relationship with a guy was not what he wanted.
I know that I will show him that she is a selfish, childish bitch. I know that I will be there for him, to love him, and to do things for him, and to make him laugh when he's down, and to bring him food when he's hungry, and to hold him when he cries.
I will show him what a best friend is really supposed to be like. I will be everything he needs to me to be and more.
I don't care how much it kills me. I don't care that I will die slowly every time he talks about the other man.
I don't care.
I love him. And I will do this for him.

Damn, I hope this gets better.
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To The Captain [04 Jan 2008|07:40pm]

The love letter that I will never send. Note: "Captain" and "Lieutenant" are kind of like nicnames we have for each other, because we are trekkies (no matter how many glares I get from the Captain who insisits "Trekkers... Trek-KERS")

Dear Captain,

For one moment, and hopefully the only moment in my life, I'm going to be serious. This is hard for me, harder than anything that I've ever had to do before or anything that I will ever have to do in life ever again. I just wanted to tell you that I love you-- I'm in love with you.

I couldn't believe it, it just kind of snuck up and latched onto me and I suddenly woke up one day and realized it for the first time. I kept my mouth shut. I tried to make it go away - it didn't. I tried avoiding you, then being mad at you, then being mad at myself telling myself I was being stupid and none of it worked. And then I was excited to come out here to the West Coast and I was thinking, YES. This is the perfect oppertunity. Maybe if I can be in a situation where I can't see you (you being on the East Coast), then I'll just forget and come to my senses. And I was wrong, in every sense of the word. I'm literally living the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

It hurts so hard being away from you, not being able to see you and it's been like this for the entire five monthes I've been out here, with no signs of ending. My heart breaks again and again, every morning I wake up and realize that I'm in Vancouver which may as well be as far away from you as the moon is. But at least the moon can still see you. Not fekking fair.

I've had relationships before, but none that I felt so strongly for and I'm not even sure what our relationship is even supposed to be at this point. All that I know is that whenever my friend asks me what I love, it's your name that immediately comes to mind.

I met a boy out here named Jordan that I like as a friend. I tried to have a crush on him, or just anything to make me get past you, but it didn't work. Sometimes I wonder if there are evil forces out in the omniverse who just love scewing with my head - one of the boys who live in the apartment upstairs has your name and he looks like you. And when I met him, I could hardly say a word and then I went back down to my room and I cried because I miss you.

I know I shouldn't be in love with you. It doesn't make any sense, there's no reason for it whatsoever, and I don't know if you want me to or not or what you feel, but I do. And apparently there isn't anything at all that I can do about it. Which is why this is so hard. Because I don't want you to hate me or freak out and then never want to see me or talk to me ever again. And damnit, age has nothing to do with anything, so don't even dare try to bring that in here because there's no place for it. It's just an excuse, something to hide behind, because for all I know you are as messed up and confused and in denial about this as I am. But it's a bottom line here, you either love me back or you don't. And asking you that just scares the hell out of me because if I don't ask then I can just pretend that you do.

Signed, Your Lieutenant. Forever and always.
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i'm not that kind of girl [04 Jan 2008|03:47am]

on the first day of freshman year of high school i decided that i wanted him but it wasn't until senior year that i realized that i would never get over him.
He and I were very close friends. With awkward sexual tension. He was the kind of guy who could have any girl he wanted yet he maintained a kind of secret relationship with me. Some of the best times of my life were had with him.
I thought things would eventually work out if i just let it bloom. He made hints at asking me to prom and i pictured some type of disney ending to this four year...thing.
Then he started dating a girl with a big forehead, that he took to prom instead. She is unbearably attractive, smart, well liked, well read...
...and as for me, five years later i'm alone thinking of the things that could have been and hoping one day i can find someone who made me feel like you did.
I close my eyes when i'm in bed with other men and think about you.
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[08 Mar 2007|10:35am]
Dear ex-lover,
i can't bear the though of you with her... "Lizzie"
Everytime you talk about her it breaks me up inside. You always said you couldn't love anyone the way you loved me but... this is just the beginning for you. You'll soon forget about me and i can't bear to think of me without you.

I'm still in love with you. Truly, madly, deeply. I think about you all the time and everytime i talk to you or i feel your presence i can't help but think of what we've lost.
You asked me the other day how this happened to us... i really wish i could answer that.
You were the one... and in my eyes still are.

I know that everytime i tell you how i feel, it messes you up inside but i want it to. I want you to regret falling for her, i want it to break you up inside and i need you to yearn for me and come back to me. Never have i put myself before you.. but i can't help but do it now.
I want you.

My girlfriend of two months could never give me what i have with you. I could never love her and the thought of her falling in love with me disgusts me.. really. I don't want her.. and i'd drop her, if you said the word. The thought of her wanting me makes me feel somewhat better in myself and when i kiss her it gives me a moment to picture you. Your arms around me and the love we shared.

The thing you're with... i just.. can't believe her really.. moving you further away from me.. to Scotland. I don't want you up there, i want you here. Why is she more important to you than me? I hate that. I hate her... so damn much & i can't believe she's stopping me from being near you. When you told me about the move.. and that when you get there we probably won't talk.. i shut down.
I shut down my feelings for you.
I made myself forget. I made myself act somewhat distant in front of you.. i had to.
Now you're confused... you're confused of the person i've become and the jealousy just keeps growing.

I can't help but be angry at you and her everytime i talk to you. I just want to tell you i love you..
all the time.. god i do.
You still tell me you love me and i love the peace of mind it brings.. even though it's just for a few seconds. I love that.

I wish i could go back a couple of months and change everything. Change myself.
That way i might never have lost you.

I love you
& i'll always be sorry

Yours always,
Tah x
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Dear John [06 Mar 2007|10:08pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

This is a letter for someone who is so far and so close to me


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[21 Feb 2007|10:40pm]

I'm seventeen and a lesbian. I am in love with my best friend. This is new for me, and I don't want to ruin it. I mean, having friends is a new thing for me. I am socially awkward thanks to my crapload of disabililities. I love her, and by god I want her more then anything in the world. I cherish every moment I get with her. But I don't know what to do. This is scary for me. I mean I want to do something about it so badly. But I never did anything about it before. She is very kind to me. She is completely utterly amazing. She's straight....I'm sorry. I try not to love her, I try. Nothing can stop it. I am nothing like the kind of person believes...I'm too broken for her.
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A missing letter [13 Feb 2007|11:25pm]

[ mood | apathetic ]

My Dearest

I love you
I love you even when you are so far and away.
I love you since I hear your voice, because with your voice you told me the most intelligent phrases that I ever heard.
I love you when you try to do your best in dance, but you can't move in a good way.

Love you when you' re teaching or explain the others the things... when you talk, everything is so easy to understood.

When the night as cold and lonely, I just think of you, and I feel by my side... talk in to my ear. 

I'm still holding the secret hope that we will be together... but I feel lonely tonight, and I need you... even if you're not there, I can't stop loving you.

You're the only one who can fullified this empty place right here, at my side. That side of the bed looks so big without you.

When I'm in your arms, the world looks like a safe place to live, you help me to fight against my demons, and bring me a little confidence.

I miss you
I need you
I need walk with you, take each other hand.
I need play with you and your dogs... you're full of joy.
I need stay with you and watch the sunset arround our city
I need feel your body against my body, your arms arround me, feel your heart beat when you catch me in the street.

Came here soon hun... this is your place, you know it.

Always Yours


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[12 Feb 2007|04:59pm]

what does it mean when he calls me his muse?
one of many pet names out of the mouth of a boy who doesnt use pet names. terms of endearment, or otherwise.

what does it mean when i'm the one he calls whenever he's drunk and tells me how much he misses me and wants to see me, (we live 12 hours apart) and tells me he thinks something serious would be a good thing, and then when sober he's unsure of seriousness.

i feel like i'm in limbo.

i love him so so much, my soulmate, honestly, and i know he loves me, but what is all this cryptic nonsense?
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[17 Jan 2007|05:51pm]

i'm not secretely in love, he knows, he's known, he recently told me he loves me too, and i'm the first girl he's ever said that to...so why am i in this group, right? i know, must seem like a bitch, got the guy, but that's the thing, i dont...we're 12 hours away at different colleges and he wants us to "experience other people" what the fuck. honestly, i could not hook up with other people knowing that i love him and he loves me, that is sustaining for me, but it hurts to think about him you know? like thinking about how much i love him and how i can't see him for four more months. fucking shitty. i'm sorry about my language it keeps me from crying if i try to convince myself i'm angry about it. and it's not as if i dont want to hook up with other people, there's this boy here, it just feels like it will hurt us as a relationship if we both do that, you know? i dont know, we've been doing this for 3 years, on and off, dating other people, open relationship, best friends, i just dont know if it's what i want anymore, i deserve a guy who will be devoted right? i deserve someone who will be with me emotionally and mentally even if not physically. he told me if we were together physically he wouldn't want to be with anyone but me but since that's not a possibility it doesnt make sense to restrain ourselves... it's not like i'm restraining myself, i would be happy with being friends with the boy here, that's fine he's a cool kid, it would be nice to kiss him but i certainly don't have to....why does he need to kiss other girls so much? my roommate seems to believe that he does it so that he doesn't have to think about me and about missing me, like i am with him, because it really is hurting my school performance and concentration with friends and such and it's a pain in the ass but that's the price you pay when you love someone who lives far away, like it's shitty but i dont want to not love him, i dont want to put him out of my mind, i dont want to forget that i love him, i dont want it to become latent. my roommate thinks that if he dwells on not being with me too much he'll hurt more, which is possible i guess he's an asshole, but not to me, i know him inside and out, every facet, every side of him, i'm mostly sure we're soul mates, all of my friends are sure of it too, it's just how we are i guess, but why would he want to be with other people? why? have any of you ever been in this situation before? it hurts... any advice on how not to hurt?

sorry this is long, and sorry if i sound like a bitch, my heart is just aching.

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[16 Jan 2007|03:23pm]

There's a boy I'm head over heals for.

He was a child, and I was a child on this kingdom by the sea.Collapse )
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Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. [11 Jan 2007|11:54am]

[ mood | depressed ]

~ Charlie Brown

My life continues to be a soap opera. I posted a few months ago: http://community.livejournal.com/_secretlyinlove/33701.html

So here's the updateCollapse )
It's been 2 months now and I haven't heard a peep from him. I guess he was giving me the "Sure, we'll be friends line". My New Year's resolution was to quit agonizing over him, but I don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't. I want to hate him.

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Or the other way around: [18 Dec 2006|02:09pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I am a secret admiree.

You may think that's a nice place to be.

Mostly, it's frustrating.

The full story of my strange situation can be found here: secret_admiree

Anyone have any advice?

And by any bizarre set of unlikely coincidences, anyone know who I'm talking about?

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My story [17 Jul 2006|02:42pm]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

Hey all! I just wanted to introduce myself and explain my little predicament:
So I have been taking martial arts for about a year now and I have a huge crush on one of the assistant instructors (I'll call him Pres), who is the highest ranking belt next to the main instructor and the main instructor's right hand. It's a traditional school which means hierarchy of ranks and bowing and respect and lots of other b.s. that makes it a tad occultish.
I have tried to talk myself out of liking him many times as I know its wrong and frowned upon being the whole student teacher thing, but I just can't help it. He does the simplest thing and I get all weak in the knees again. It's barely even a secret in the school anymore, everyone knows I have a thing for him and everyone thinks we would make the best couple. But we are both fairly shy so we kinda act like 8th graders and have a tendency to avoid eachother to keep from getting all nervous.
About 6 months ago we had a going away party for a family that was moving and Pres and I chatted the whole night. Everyone, myself included, thought for sure something was going to happen. Well, he started acting really weird and avoiding me completely. We've had a few more gatherings where we've gotten close again but nothing happens. I even went to his daughter's b-day party and hung out with him and his family at their cabin and we stayed up half the night under the moon chatting, but nothing happened.
I'm not the only one getting fed up with it; Another assistant instructor got a little drunk and a little brave and asked Pres what the heck was wrong with him. Pres told him that after that going away party the main instructor had specifically forbidden him to pursue me. WTF?! I do get the background of the whole teacher student thing, but we are adults. Frowned upon - okay, not recomended - okay, forbidden - no way! Trouble is Pres is wrapped so tightly around his finger, he would never disobey a direct order like that. It should make me think he's an idiot anyways, but I still can't help myself. I would never want him to get in trouble either and I know the martial arts is very important to him and he has been taking it for a long time. I've considered quitting or changing schools as it's just working out for me, but I don't think that would allow Pres to go out with me anyway.
So that's my drama and I appreciate having a place to post with people going through similar crush type situations. Later!

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[09 Jul 2006|12:24pm]

Ok, so I finally got up the nerve to tell my crush I liked him, he posted a girlfriend application on myspace and I responded to it... here is what happened...after I sent the application back to him, I got this response,  hey my number is 5**-2**-2*** hit me up sometime 

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Question [20 Jun 2006|01:34pm]

Ok, so back in november my crush sent me this email on myspace this is how it went "hey whats up how are nou not sure if you remember me I am daryl dereks brother" reply "Of courrse I remember you, so what have you been up to ? Not to much here, just the same as the last time I saw you. I hope you are doing well ! " and then his reply "I am good just always working is all I am a cook at national coney island.still living in warren jusr enjoying my self, dont know if you know this but i was almost married lol but i am single again " well I guess what I am wondering he said he was single, do you think he was just letting me know, or do you think he was hinting around ? Thanks for the advice !
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New feelings [15 Jun 2006|09:59pm]

[ mood | blah ]

I just got over a 2 year long relationship that ended really badly. He moved away..being a military brat i got used to people moving.
I started liking this new boy (jason) who is incredibly quiet,shy, the exact oppiste of Mark (ex)
but im still in love with mark and these new feelings scare me...I want to get over him. Im having problems opening up to Jason and if im not the bold one then he defenatly wont be...and i really like him....iono wut to do? Should i give up on Jason and still be stuck on mark? or...

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Please Help [13 Jun 2006|01:16pm]

Please help me, I dont know how to go about this without seeming desperate... I emailed my crush Daryl about a week ago, he has read the email and still not responded, I know he is single and looking, and has liked me in the past... I just dont know how to get his attention without seeming desperate, I dont want to just come out and tell him I like him since I have not seen him in a couple years, I think that would seem kinda creepy... any ideas people ? Thank in advance for the help ♥
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Intro and Story [08 Jun 2006|12:25am]

Hello my name is Lacey and I am 22, I currently have a crush on a guy named Daryl that I have known since high school... I used to spend a lot of time with him, because my best friend was dating his brother, at that time my friend was trying to hook us up, and he said he liked me as well and wanted to date me, the only problem was I was seeing someone else at the time so nothing ever happened...well I have not seen him in about two years but still think about him quit often. The other day I was on myspace and I found him on there and added him, I send him an email and he has still not responded, I dont know what other move to make, any advice... oh yeah he is single a looking to fill that void in his life, and I would love to fill that void for him I just dont know how to go about it, since he has not responded, any advice would be appreciated ! Thanks ♥
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