verte_grez (verte_grez) wrote in _secretlyinlove,

  • Music:

A bit of a rant... Sorry if it's too long. *confuzzled*

I know that I'm quite a childish person. I'm immature and my opinions on relationships switch between romantic ideals of true love and a pessimistic feeling that the best I could ever hope for is really good friendship. But now I've gotten to the point where... I'm just really confused.

See, for the past few years,everyone's just laughingly accused me of being completely asexual. And I was perfectly happy with that. But recently, one of my closest friends has quit our unspoken pact of staying single and happy forever to start making out with one of her friends, and now I'm feeling kinda pressured. And then there's this guy that I've only met 5 times so far, and I'm going to see next Monday in a big gathering. I talk to him all the time over gchat, and... well, ever since I started talking to him I've been...

I don't know. To tell the truth, I kinda believed I was asexual. It seemed too ridiculous that no one had ever caught my eye. And it's not like he "sets my heart racing" as much as I kind of expected a crush would(although I seem to have trouble looking him in the eye). But ever since I met him I've thought about him a lot, and I think I like him but as I said, I don't know. I just know that every day, all I want to do is go home so I can talk to him again, and I've been thinking of picking up fencing just so that I can see him more often.

And last week my friend gave me a necklace that she says, "...was from him, but he said to tell you that I bought it for you as well. Don't tell him I told you that!" And every single day since I got it I've worn it, and I spend every single second thinking about him, and wondering whether that means he likes me.

And, not to mention, he's exactly like all my childish fantasies imagined a future husband to be, he likes the same things as me and is willing to listen to everything I say (even when it's stupid)(or at least, he pretends to really well), and he does an obscure type of sport, and he's musical and loves animals and he's really cute looking. And, more than one of my friends has suggested that I like him/he likes me,and one of my fandom-obsessed friends has gone as far as to SHIP us. And the song I'm listening to? I realised the other day that I subconsciously attribute it to him and I.

I'm just confused as to what I'm exactly feeling. Whether I'm deluding myself into liking him, or if I like him but only in a childish way, or if I really do like him, or if he's just a friend that I create extra feelings around because I'm feeling left behind, or... I'm not making any sense.

Yeah. Help? D:
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