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I'd like to pour my heart out. [08 May 2009|11:17pm]


I run away from those who actually care, into the arms of those that treat me badly
I wish I could get over my mistakes and go back to the person i used to be and the people that actually care
I really care about this boy, but i left him for a fling, and because I was unstable and believed that i couldnt
do anything for him. I made so many mistakes with him.
I truly miss everything about him, his honesty, his innocence, his independance, and his love.
He was everything that i needed, although he wasnt good in the aspects of understanding what i truly was going through
but he was always there for me to talk to.
He cared about me, so why did i really just get up and leave
Im in a relationship with someone that doesnt care
and im trying to free myself.
he doesnt treat me properly.
he doesnt deserve to have and hold me
I miss all the things i had
I want to have a do-over and go back to the pure love i once held...
I wish it was easier to do.
Im in love, but what can i do to really make him realize that.
I think he doesnt care anymore and I wouldnt blame him.

Someone that understand please give me a little advice i really need it!
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him and me [02 May 2009|03:08pm]

[ mood | scared ]

I crave for your touch
i am the only one that know how you truly are
we are secretly together
and the suspense keeps me going
i want to be with you forever
i know there will be alot of hurt people
when they find out about us
they arent the people that matter in this we are
you and me
I will take you away from the problems you face
i love you
you love me
thats all that matters
no matter what happens if we become friends or stay lovers
i need you in my life
everything you are matters to me
i never want you to leave
im going to be afraidof loosing you
you mean to much
it hurts and kills not too see you
i love everything about you
your touch
your scent
your smile
your attitude =]
the fact you want to understand everything
the fact you hold me close when everything falls
apart and tell me that everything is going to be okay
i want to be there for you forever and alway

Secret lover of mine i miss you.

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Choices. [08 Apr 2009|01:30pm]

Friendship lasts forever,
Lovers fade & part.
I would rather us be friends
Than have you break my heart.
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Beautiful Bruises. [01 Apr 2009|12:25am]

I yearn for your touch now, more than ever
I crave the sight of you
I'm not ready to end this endeavor
I love how you leave me bruised.

how wondrous it feels to be marked by you
the beautiful colours on my skin
blending together, purple, yellow, blue
draw feelings of awe from within.

your hard and delicate touch
on my shoulder, my thighs, my mind
I long for those bruises so much
of your enchantment they remind.

I'll never again have the delight
of seeing your irreplaceable face
your mouth so cruel and your eyes so bright
no one can replace.

these beautiful bruises fading
but never the memory of you,
though it was you who was betraying
I thirst for nobody new.

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[31 Mar 2009|04:14pm]

I still love you with every bone in my body.
Not a day goes by when I dont think of you and almost lose it.
It's been so long and I'm so happy these days.
I wish you could see that and how much I've changed.
We could be perfect, but I was so fucked back then.
You and I would be insane together.
I would do everything I refused to before.
Why couldnt I have been this person when we were together?
If you fell in love with me now, you'd never leave again.
I'm exactly what you wanted way too late.
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Along time apart [31 Mar 2009|12:25am]

I feel like if I saw him my legs might just melt off my body
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[30 Mar 2009|09:06pm]

Dear J,

My caliente, creative, funny, confusing J.  You frustrate me because I like you so much and you're hot and cold and you have so many opportunities to make me part of your world and you don't.

I want to be part of your world.  I want to dance and mingle and fall for you while you spin the records or whatever it is you do up there.  I know that the next time I'm at a social event with you I'll be high again.  I don't know how you feel about that.  All I know is that it's my only option.  The people I'm going with are going to be high.

But I'd rather be hanging out with you.  I'd rather you come visit me with my friends and drag me off by the hand and hang out with me and kiss me on the patio.  I'd rather you not leave early.  I'd like to be staring up at you, into your eyes while you tease me because I'm still naked.  I want to turn up the bass in your car so much that my clothes fall off.

I want this one to stick, at least for a little while.  I want to be with you and not tell anyone at work.  Not because I don't want them to know, just because I want to be part of your world and your world isn't at work.  Right now, that's where my world is.  I want out of my world.

Come take me away to somewhere where there is only the two of  us.

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Music Classs... [10 Mar 2009|04:42pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I have a boyfriend but from the moment he told me "i thnk you cool" and looked at me with those hypnotizing eyes, it was all over for me. He became my obssesion, my desire occupying every thought, daydream and fantasy. He became my muse. I have never meet anyone like him; so open to new things and a burning desire to live life that somehow radiated off of him and engulfed me in everyway. That is why I know I will not ever be the same. My life is changed and I dont know it that is a good or bad thing.

I appreciate meeting him, but now i need him. I want him to want me as much as I want him! I want him to love me! I want him to miss me when I'm not around and think I'm special! is that so wrong?? It is isn't it. I love my boyfriend, but does he complete me as much as I thought he once did. Is he all I wanted? I can't say that I know the answer to these questions. But that I want my music class crush more than I ever wanted anything and just thinking about him makes me stop breathing, is something I need to deal with.

How do I get over this? I know he does not want me as much as I do because he could find a girl in a second. So it is me that has to face reality and get over it. Help me ........ advice can anyone relate??

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Big Bang Radio says..... [10 Mar 2009|12:04pm]


Please go to this link: www.myspace.com/randallshreve

is music is perfect for having a broken heart to as mine was. Beautiful beautiful music for the soundtrack of an emotionally driven life. trust me, I am the ultimate love junkie.

Angela of BBR
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My love is not so sercret anymore..... [28 Feb 2009|03:48pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

......and lemme just say that the cat crawling outta that bag has made life TEN times worse than it ever was before. revealing my love changed nothing and now it hurts more to still have no control over being in love with someone that does not and will not ever feel the same way. not to mention he's one of my closest friends that i see ALL THE TIME. what luck. anyone out there with a secret love, DIE with that secret. that's my bloody hearted take on it.

anyways, just trying to stay busy (you know how they say that helps) so i'm promoting my band and hopefully we can get huge and get signed and get a grammy. maybe that may mend my broken heart and make the breaker of wish he never rejected me in the first place when i blow up.

check us out.



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if only i was anne hathaway. [19 Feb 2009|01:41am]

[ mood | sad ]

i want to confess that i am in love with you.
even though i acted like i didn't.
i am soooo sorry i jokingly said i wanted to have that guy's number in front of you.
its not that i was testing you or making you jealous.
the moment made me reacted that way.
if i could take it all back, i would have probably shut my mouth and never involved myself in that conversation.
and that incident when u called out to me to take pictures.
i shouldnt have looked away and pretended you were talking to your friends who i thought they were behind me. see, i was scared i mistook you gesture. i thought it was meant for your friends since we barely knew each other. i shouldnt have did that! i am sooooo sorry!
i wanted to talk to you. have fun chatting with you. but i couldnt bring myself to. i see myself as this short and ugly person. i have acne all over my face and i didnt feel deserving of you. and i didnt speak any words that whole time we were all sitting down by the rooftop having a moonlit dinner as one whole group. deep down, i think you liked me. maybe its just me but when i observed you the whole time, i realised that you were the only one being extra nice to me. and you were only extra nice to me and not my other girl friends.i really do.

and because of that extra nice gesture you are killing me of the possibility i could have with you!!!!!!!!!
i feel like shouting out your name right now and say " I LOVE YOU!"
i feel like smsing my friend to get your number and  in that sms i want to say" i have been thinking of you lately. can we meet? for lunch? for fun? cause i just want to see you"
but i am scared of rejection. i dont want to be rejected by you.
i dream so many dreams of you that with each day my feelings only grow deeper and my hopes to be with you grows higher.
why must you come into my life once, print my heart with you all over it and then gone just like that!

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My Obsession [13 Dec 2008|02:25pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

This is the journal about leaning about my obsession through distant observation.  She's incredible, I love you, I know so much about her, and she has never seen me.

Read all the dirty details.

Friends Only

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Angela [10 Dec 2008|08:07pm]
I am obsessed with a girl who has never met me.  I see her almost daily, I know almost everything there is to know about her.  But I only watch her from a distance. My journal is a detailed account of everything I see her do.  Must be a friend to read.
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[05 Dec 2008|10:16pm]

I only just realised I'm in love with someone who no longer talks to me.

Sad thing is, I can't make those steps to make our friendship right again. I don't expect her to feel the same way about me, but right now it hurts so much that I can't even strike up a converasation with her. It's been months now, and she still talks to a mutual friend. All this time I've thought about the loss and the pain without making a connection to how I felt, and now I have made it it just makes everything worse.

I don't even know why we stopped talking. I can't pinpoint it.

Darling, you'll probably never read this, but I love you with every single beat of my heart, and I am so sorry for any pain or anger I've caused for you. Even if or when I get over this, there's always going to be a place inside of me for you.
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Damn the beautiful people [05 Dec 2008|02:23am]

I don't really want to call it a crush but...he fascinates me. He makes me smile. Oh god, he looks like he should be walking around on some Hollywood movie set.

Picture insideCollapse )
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I need some advice [25 Nov 2008|11:29pm]

There is this girl I have a crush on. She is really cool to be around and we have alot in common with each other. She is really cute and nice to talk too.The thing is that we rarely get to see each other. The last time I seen her we were at an anime/video game convention a month ago. When we seen each other we pretty much ditched our friends and hung out. We hung out for the whole day playing video games and just talking about stuff in general. Later on that day a couple of her friends seen us together and said that we would make a cute couple. I don't think my friend heard them from the distance but I did. When I had to go she asked me to message her online so we could keep in touch. We message each to other everyday or two days. She might be going to my school next semester but it's kind of hard for her to get used to college since she is shy and doesn't know how to ride public transportation. I'm really hoping she likes me but  I still want to be her friend if she doesn't like. I don't know how to bring up how I feel to her and I don't want to lose what we have to awkwardness.
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[24 Nov 2008|12:41am]

I like one of my best friends, but I don't know if it's for real or not, because sometimes I just can't stand him.

Those times are when he gets too smart.

He's ugly by average standards, but I've learnt not to see anyone as ugly a long time ago.

He's really interesting and fun to be around but my family keeps picking on his hair (it's long and my family's quite conservative in that aspect) and his face (his complexion isn't the best to be honest).

And seriously, I've only know him for slightly more than half a year, but yeah, the attraction is there.

I don't know what I feel now, haha. @_@
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Oh secret crush...damn you! [16 Nov 2008|10:30pm]

I have such a hardcore crush on my theatre choreographer.

But he's gay.

And 16 years older than me.

But he's so beautiful.


It sucks.
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Tech Support [10 Nov 2008|10:15am]
The email I sent.


Ya, I am still interested, but right now my trial copy has expired so I am borrowing a friends 'unsupported' copy on Monday. I think I have about three weeks to get the final layout done so I'll let you know. Help would be awesome!

Did I tell you I might be getting some ink? I have a design picked out that I have liked for a long time, but I don't know if I'll like it or not. But Sande is going to give me a temporary one with some stage ink to try it out. It seems to be a shame to live in the republic of east van without ink.

Been really spaced out lately with school; I think part of my brain is still watching that lantern drift off into the sky..."

The email I really wanted to send.

"Heya! I am totally still interested in you coming over to help me learn that new software, but I am afraid if I am alone in my basement with you for more than 15 minutes by myself, I am going to throw you down on my floor and fuck the shit out of you and I don't care what my boyfriend thinks.

Part of me fell for you that night at the lantern festival..."
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A bit of a rant... Sorry if it's too long. *confuzzled* [27 Oct 2008|05:40pm]

I know that I'm quite a childish person. I'm immature and my opinions on relationships switch between romantic ideals of true love and a pessimistic feeling that the best I could ever hope for is really good friendship. But now I've gotten to the point where... I'm just really confused.

See, for the past few years,everyone's just laughingly accused me of being completely asexual. And I was perfectly happy with that. But recently, one of my closest friends has quit our unspoken pact of staying single and happy forever to start making out with one of her friends, and now I'm feeling kinda pressured. And then there's this guy that I've only met 5 times so far, and I'm going to see next Monday in a big gathering. I talk to him all the time over gchat, and... well, ever since I started talking to him I've been...

I don't know. To tell the truth, I kinda believed I was asexual. It seemed too ridiculous that no one had ever caught my eye. And it's not like he "sets my heart racing" as much as I kind of expected a crush would(although I seem to have trouble looking him in the eye). But ever since I met him I've thought about him a lot, and I think I like him but as I said, I don't know. I just know that every day, all I want to do is go home so I can talk to him again, and I've been thinking of picking up fencing just so that I can see him more often.

And last week my friend gave me a necklace that she says, "...was from him, but he said to tell you that I bought it for you as well. Don't tell him I told you that!" And every single day since I got it I've worn it, and I spend every single second thinking about him, and wondering whether that means he likes me.

And, not to mention, he's exactly like all my childish fantasies imagined a future husband to be, he likes the same things as me and is willing to listen to everything I say (even when it's stupid)(or at least, he pretends to really well), and he does an obscure type of sport, and he's musical and loves animals and he's really cute looking. And, more than one of my friends has suggested that I like him/he likes me,and one of my fandom-obsessed friends has gone as far as to SHIP us. And the song I'm listening to? I realised the other day that I subconsciously attribute it to him and I.

I'm just confused as to what I'm exactly feeling. Whether I'm deluding myself into liking him, or if I like him but only in a childish way, or if I really do like him, or if he's just a friend that I create extra feelings around because I'm feeling left behind, or... I'm not making any sense.

Yeah. Help? D:
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