me and my baby, the love of my life. the only boyfriend , and make me feel beautiful and loved. ho

Update on my life

Wow. Its been years. Being on this website brought back a lot of memories and triggers. Heres an update on my life to show people it CAN get better.

I have now been with my Fiance (yes, ENGAGED😍 since june) for over 7 years now. We are living together, and planning our wedding!

I have since gained well over 50 lbs and have overcame my eating disorder. Of course i still have triggers, and issues here and there but im healthy now, for the most part.

I have since been diagnosed with Anxiety, Chronic depression, Bipolar 2 and a few other things that arent important at the moment.

It has now been i believe over 3 years since my last cut. This is the one im struggling with the absolute most as its a daily struggle. But im taking each day as it comes and making the best of it.

I am now the store manager of a major retail store. I fought for this position for 7 months and taught myself mostly everything.

The reason for posting this, is because i got a notification this morning that it was someones birthday coming up. Coming back and reading these posts..my very first post about hoping my eating disorder kills me, the toxic and abusive relationships i was in...none of it was worth it. I have grown and matured further than i ever wouldve thought possible. I never expected to be alive at this age. But i did it. I FUCKING DID IT. I overcame one of the absolute hardest parts of my life and reading my previous posts make me SO proud of myself.

To anyone out there who may stumble across my page, or if other people i used to speak to on here see this, i just want to say thank you for believing me when i didnt believe in myself. THANK YOU. You saved my life. If i overcame this, YOU CAN TOO. life DOES get better. You will one day become happy even if in the moment you feel like youre suffocating and need a way out. It took YEARS of therapy, inpatient hospitals, trial and error, gaining friends and losing them, for me to realize my value.

CHEERS TO 23 💕

Maybe ill be back, maybe i wont 💕
  • Current Mood
    Proud
emo .gif

Help Please

So on Thursday I have a meeting with my parents, all my teachers, the school councelers, and the prinicipals/vp's at school and I'm freaking out. When I was told this last night, I had a panic attack and wouldn't settle down. My parent's responce: It's no big deal. So I thought it over and I was like, Well I'll be with my AVID teacher in there, so I'll be okay. But I talked to him about it today and he told me that he might not be going because  he has other plans. But he said that if It means that much to me and I really want him there that he would cancel his other plans and go to be with me. I was crying badly at this point because I'm so terrified of Thursday, I just don't know what to do. But then we got sidetracked in class and we couldn't talk about it anymore. And I don't see him tomorrow. Then It's Thursday and It's to late. I'm so freaking scared. And I can't even cut because last week my mother decided to go through my things and take everything sharp. Even as I'm writing this, I'm freaking out like crazy. I thought that I might be able to get through  it with my AVID teacher, but if he doesn't go I really don't know what I will do. I need some advice please.

(no subject)

((I posted this in another self harm community but I feel like I might receive better feedback from this one.))

Hey everyone. I'm Aisling and I'm twenty years old.

I'm new to this community but self-harm has been a problem in my life for about fifteen years. I think I started when I was six years old. I was a very odd child with an learning disability. I had little to no friends for many, many years. Even though my social life has bloomed into something wonderful, I still feel the great urge to self-harm.

I harm myself in a rather unusual way. I tear the skin off my feet. It's less than obvious than cutting my arms or legs... but it's embarrassing when I have to expose them. The guilt of self-harm then intensifies more than usual...  I have hurt myself to the point where it's difficult to walk.

My way of self-harm belongs in the ICD spectrum (Impulse Control Disorder).  Some consider it to be OCD. Does anyone else have ICD in this community? I would like to hear someone who suffers from the same disorder, whether it be skin tearing or hair pulling. It's not very common. I find it difficult to stop hurting myself. The urge is always there, hell, I sometimes do it without even noticing. I also do it when I'm anxious or bored.

I've joined this community in hope to get better. The longest I've gone without harming is a few months... I wonder if it's really possible to stop self-harming. Will the urge to harm always be there? I once spoke to a man who was addicted to nicotine. Even though he stopped cold turkey, he still thinks about smoking every day... but somehow, he just doesn't give in. It makes me feel so weak.

Still recruiting participants for study on self-harm

Hi there,

I know some members from this group have participated in our research, so I wanted to send along a quick update and to let you know that we are still recruiting participants for our research on self-harm.  The Characteristics Associated with Self-Injury Study began in March 2009. Since we began, over 350 people from 18 different countries have participated in this study. 83 people are currently participating in the longitudinal portion of the study, completing questionnaires every three months. This part will help us understand patterns of self-injury over time, as well as what motivates people to recover or stop from self-injuring. 

Below is some more information about the study. Please email us at perl@sfu.ca if you have any questions or if you are interested in participating!

Best wishes!
The Personality and Emotion Research Lab




***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************



Hello again from the Personality and Emotion Research Laboratory (PERL)!

Would you like to help us understand how to help people who self-harm? We are currently recruiting participants for the second phase of our research on self-harm, and we want your help! Participating in the study takes 2 hours, and you will receive an online gift certificate worth $10 CAD for each time point you complete, plus a chance for a $25 bonus if you complete all the follow-ups for a total of $75.

If you are interested in participating, please email us at perl@sfu.ca. All your information will be kept confidential, and no identifying information is linked to your responses.


**************************************************************
THE DETAILS:

Background Information:

Self-injury (sometimes called “self-harm”) involves harming yourself on purpose. Some examples include cutting or burning yourself, taking an overdose of pills, or banging your head. Right now, very little is known about why people start or stop self-harming. The Personality and Emotion Research Lab (PERL), a research team from Simon Fraser University in Canada, is conducting a study to learn more about the experiences of people who self-harm, and we want your help! We are interested in how emotions, life experiences, stress and coping styles affect self-harm. We hope that this research will help other people understand more about why people self-harm and what they can do to help.

What you can do:

If you want to participate in this study, you will fill out online questionnaires on self-harm, emotions, coping, symptoms, and life events. These questionnaires will take approximately 2 hour to complete. Later, you’ll have a chance to complete follow-up questionnaires over a 12 month period. Although the first session is long, the follow-up questionnaires are shorter, and usually take on 30 to 90 minutes to complete.

Who can participate:

We are looking for people who currently self-harm (whether you are trying to stop or not), AND those who have self-harmed in the past and quit.You must be at least 16 years old to participate.

What’s in it for you:

Participants who complete the questionnaires will receive a $10 (Canadian currency) gift certificate each time you complete the questionnaires (from amazon.com or PayPal). In addition, you will receive a $25 bonus if you complete all five follow-ups in the first year! Telling us about your experiences will give us important information on how self-harm changes over time, and could help develop and improve treatments for people who want to stop self-harming.

Important Information:

This study is the second phase of this line of research, and builds on the previous study. If you have already participated in our research (in a study called “Characteristics Associated with Self-Injury”), you are still eligible to complete this study.

Please contact us at perl@sfu.ca if you are interested in participating or if you have any questions.

Thank you,

Personality and Emotion Research Laboratory (PERL)
Simon Fraser University
Department of Psychology
RCB5246, 8888 University Drive
Burnaby, BC, Canada V5A 1S6

distraction tips

When you are triggered the best thing to try and do is ground yourself by doing activities such as the ones on this list:

1. breathe slowly and deeply. In for 5 seconds. Hold for 5 seconds. Out for 5 seconds. and keep repeating it over and over.

2. Use your 5 senses. Smell 5 things where you are now. Taste 5 things. Hear 5 things. See 5 things. Touch 5 things. BUT if one of the senses is what triggered you don't use that sense, skip over it and use another one twice.

3. Call someone you trust, like a friend or your T

4. Write in a journal

5. Draw

6. Change your scenery. If you are outside go inside and visa versa.

7. Write poetry or a story

8. Read a book

9. Play video games

10. Write a letter to someone who hurt you. Then crumple it up and throw it away. Put all the thoughts down on paper as if you would show the person but tear it up and never show them. That is a way for you to get it out.

11. Go for a walk or jog. Be mindful, look at your surroundings and feel the sun, rain, snow, hot, cold.

12. Hold ice in your hand. The cold will snap you back to the present and wont leave any marks

13. Snap a rubber band against your wrist. Once again it will bring you back to the present.

14. Repeat phrases such as "I am safe now" "It's over" "It's just a memory"

15. If you have a pet like a dog or cat pet them, brush them, hug them. Pets hold unconditional love for their owners and are amazing at making people feel better.

Add your own to this list...

http://selfhelp.yuku.com

Please Help Us Understand Self-harm

 Hello again from the Personality and Emotion Research Laboratory (PERL)!

Would you like to help us understand how to help people who self-harm? We are currently recruiting participants for the second phase of our research on self-harm, and we want your help! Participating in the study takes 2 hours, and you will receive an online gift certificate worth $5 CAD for each time point you complete, plus a chance for a $25 bonus if you complete all the follow-ups over one year for a total of $50.

If you are interested in participating, please email us at emotion@sfu.ca. All your information will be kept confidential, and no identifying information is linked to your responses.


**************************************************************
THE DETAILS:

Background Information:

Self-injury (sometimes called “self-harm”) involves harming yourself on purpose. Some examples include cutting or burning yourself, taking an overdose of pills, or banging your head. Right now, very little is known about why people start or stop self-harming. The Personality and Emotion Research Lab (PERL), a research team from Simon Fraser University in Canada, is conducting a study to learn more about the experiences of people who self-harm, and we want your help! We are interested in how emotions, life experiences, stress and coping styles affect self-harm. We hope that this research will help other people understand more about why people self-harm and what they can do to help.

What you can do:

If you want to participate in this study, you will fill out online questionnaires on self-harm, emotions, coping, symptoms, and life events. These questionnaires will take approximately 2 hour to complete. Later, you’ll have a chance to complete follow-up questionnaires over a 12 month period. Although the first session is long, the follow-up questionnaires are shorter, and usually take on 30 to 90 minutes to complete.

Who can participate:

We are looking for people who currently self-harm (whether you are trying to stop or not), AND those who have self-harmed in the past and quit.You must be at least 16 years old to participate.

What’s in it for you:

Participants who complete the questionnaires will receive a $5 (Canadian currency) gift certificate each time you complete the questionnaires (from amazon.com or PayPal). In addition, you will receive a $25 bonus if you complete all five follow-ups in the first year! Telling us about your experiences will give us important information on how self-harm changes over time, and could help develop and improve treatments for people who want to stop self-harming.

Important Information:

This study is the second phase of this line of research, and builds on the previous study. If you have already participated in our research (in a study called “Characteristics Associated with Self-Injury”), you are still eligible to complete this study.

Please contact us at emotion@sfu.ca if you are interested in participating or if you have any questions.

Thank you,

Personality and Emotion Research Laboratory (PERL)
Simon Fraser University
Department of Psychology
RCB5246, 8888 University Drive
Burnaby, BC, Canada V5A 1S6

(no subject)


There are nails in my head

There are claws in my heart

There's a hole in my being

That's falling apart

There's a light in my soul

And there's hope in my mind

There's a tiny voice begging

To be left behind

There's a ribcage that's heaving

There's a whole mass of bone

But there really is nothing

I can call my own

There's a path to forgiveness

But it's too hard to tread

And the weight of contrition

Is heavy as lead

So I dance on the ceiling

And I wave with my head

I might as well live life -

I'll so soon be dead.