Log in

No account? Create an account

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> Mod's Journal
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Saturday, July 29th, 2006
10:45 am

things are finally coming together

i can't believe that i ever acted so dumb and that i would ever risk anything that was so perfect. if he wasn't so great he wouldn't have forgiven me...i'll be better...i promise!!

(comment on this)

Sunday, July 16th, 2006
5:58 pm

I love him so much...

...and he'll never know

(comment on this)

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
1:58 am - ahh better times...

These days turned out nothing like I had planned....

I dunno when that picture was taken, in fact I think from the look on my face me and dale may have already broken up even though thats him holding me in the picture. The other girl and guy is my friend Ashlee and her boyfriend Haydon. She's a beautiful girl, inside out. I can still remember that day, we were bored and I was trying desperatedly to lean on Ashlee, whilst sitting on dales lap, without falling off, a couple times I nearly did and even though Dale was talking to someone else he was always quick to react and pull me up again.

I got a little teary when I found this photo, I dunno if you guys can see it but I can still see that closeness we had in that photo. Even though I have a sneaking suspicion this was around the time when things were REALLY starting to go down hill between us after the breakup. It's....kinda hard to tell cause I cant tell wether his hair is long or short or wether im wearing the rings he gave me or not.

Ok so I still think about my ex and sometimes wish things could've turned out differently there I admitted it! I'm READY for another boyfriend I just still havnt FOUND anyone. The only offers ive had were from some of my older sisters friends who are only expressing their interest in me cause its LEGAL now that i'm 18 if you get my drift. I dont get out often because I dont have a car and my friends dont invite me out many places for same reason. So without anybody to even have silly crushes on the only man I have to dote upon is him. I hate it. 

*sigh* he really was my everything. But he's someone else's everything now, and I know better then to even think of trying to stand in the way of that. I've accepted these courses of events and I am over it enough that I dont cry or feel immense sorrow over the loss anymore. It's just moments like these I wish...some one would just hurry up and rescue me. Some one else who can be my everything.

current mood: contemplative

(comment on this)

Monday, May 29th, 2006
4:51 pm

This is what I wrote on the train today in my small visual diary along with sketches....

Throw me in a plastic bag, allow me to choke on your words
Of sexual motion, love and devotion. Just dont let me hear your name.
Leave me for dead on the city subway tracks. Leave me alone dont come back.
I cant take it anymore leave me be.
Please baby please... murder me. 
My dear happiness cant exist for me if it cant exist for you.
I'll make sure of that.
Fuck this fuck you. Dear God take me back.
I cant stand, I cant be. There is no such thing as 'me'
There is only you, only us, only them.
Keep me here, send me there.
Please baby please, murder me my dear.

I feel like such a god damn emo I am seriously considering drop kicking myself...if that were possible. Thing is I....cant seem to remember writing that, I remember sketching but not writing. Guess I kinda went into a trance for a while. Trains can do that. Little bit worried though...dammit I need something else to hold on to this whole 'arrangement' just doesnt seem to be working for me anymore. Course I would have posted this in my actual Journal...but certain people cant see that im writing this crap. Or rather I just dont want them to.

current mood: *sigh*

(2 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
12:55 am - its like a neverending circle...

I wish I could get him out of my head sometimes. But I fear that happening because of what he means to me and what he has done to influence the person I am today. He's broke my heart, he's scorned me for feeling things that he couldnt understand and made me feel bad for the pain he's gone through over me, but I understand him too well to try and use that against him and make him sound like a jerk. He's not, I could never try and denounce a person that I feel so much love and affection for. Despite their failings.

This is gonna sound crazy to those who aren't very religeous, but I prayed for someone like him. I remember at the beginning of year 11, lieing in my bed feeling so cold and empty. I had everything going for me, I had friends I was smart and got good grades and a loving family behind me every step of the way. But it was that old story of something missing, something important. I cried so hard that night, my pillow was literally soaked by the time I was done, and the whole time I cried out with all my little heart for God to send me someone, someone to feel that empty hole inside that had plagued me since I first realised how sad it was that I didnt have a father around. Never in my whole life had I ever wanted anything like what I asked God to give me. I asked for a boy, not just any boy, someone who I could befriend as well as love with all my heart. Someone who would teach me the joy and tears that came with true love and everything else it had to offer. Someone who had as many sorrows as me so that I might change their lives as much as they change mine, make me feel safe and needed, someone who was soft and loving but strong and hard as well. But most of all I just wanted a boy who would be there for me, no matter what happened, no matter the odds. To just...be there. 

and thats exactly what I was given. I heard His voice in my head on that night tell me I was almost ready, that I would be given what id wanted very soon but I could hear a note of warning in His voice. But the whole time I was in it for love, nothing else. I have never been more thankful for anything in my entire life then Dale. I've seen into that boys soul and no other touches me and opens up my heart more then what I see in there, both good and bad. I couldnt have picked a better person to fall in love with, and I say that with all certainty and truth. I am not in love with him now, I think with everything we've gone through, getting together, falling in love, breaking up, and the trials afterwards that got us where we are now have just made me love him more as my friend and first lover then I did when I was. And after all this time he still does what I asked for the most that night when I prayed, he's still there for me. 

My only fear about letting myself fall for another is that it'll come between me and him. I'm not letting that hold me back, but it does mean my next boyfriend has to understand the bond I have with this man and how much it means to me.

I sound like such a fool...love does that to you, no matter the form apparently. Such is life.

current mood: indescribable

(2 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, April 16th, 2006
7:43 pm

you painted a picture
happier than i could afford.

current mood: emo

(comment on this)

Saturday, March 25th, 2006
3:58 pm

You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
To run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Wont save her from herself

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, December 19th, 2005
10:02 pm - Only cause he cant read this...

He broke up with me...
We fooled around for a while even afterwards...
He gets a girlfriend...
He gets shitty with me when I struggle to accept it and move on...
I accept it and prepare to move on...
I tell him so, suddenly...he cant bare the thought of me with someone else
He admits he still thinks of me even though he says at the same time...he loves his girlfriend...
and still...I cant talk to him about anything relating to me finding someone else without him feeling bad and getting upset...

So I asked him if he is so selfish that he'd rather I spent the rest of my life single and miserable, never quite getting over him, instead of moving on, getting on with my life and being happy...and he says MAYBE!?

NO Dale Tudor, the answer is NOT maybe the answer should be NO, if you really care about me so much...you say NO and you give your damn blessings to the next guy I fall for.

If he seriously cracks it when I do, as much as it'll fucking tear me apart to do it i'll have to tell him to either get over it or fuck off. I am NOT going to let my feelings linger on someone who is with someone else! Its pathetic! He moved on, now its my fucking turn. I wanted to keep him there, like a big brother to watch over me and make sure I dont fall for some asshole whose gonna beat me or cheat on me. He's such a great guy, I love him very much...but he's not my whole world anymore.

If there comes a time in the near future when we are both single and it still feels right then yes, i'll consider giving it another chance considering the circumstances of our break-up which is mostly bad-timing and effects of birth control pills, make me wonder if we could actually be great together if we gave it another shot. But for now, considering the situation, I'm just going to have to pretend that he still doesnt feel anything for me and keep looking.

Just wish he wasnt so funny about it, then we could both move on and stick together as best mates, like we always said we'd be.

Ok I'm done.

current mood: sad

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, November 24th, 2005
6:52 pm


Don't you love it how

When you think life can't

Get any worse than it is


It does

(comment on this)

Monday, October 10th, 2005
3:33 pm


Even though it's not November yet...Collapse )

current mood: sad

(comment on this)

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
3:19 pm


Bon Jovi!!Collapse )

(comment on this)

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
11:12 pm

I really like you. Something about you just attracts me so much. I wish that you felt the same way. At one point I thought you did, but I am starting to think otherwise. I wish you would pay attention to me. I wish that you would notice me. I know that I have a boyfriend...and I told you that I didn't know what to do about him. I don't think I love him anymore. I told you that...you didn't seem at all like you were interested in me. Why not? What the hell is so wrong with me that you don't want me. I just wish that someone could give me some sort of advice. Everyone is half-ass with their advice. A bunch of "I don't knows" "I'm not sure" and "that's a tough one."

I need committment. I need advice. I need to know what to do.


(comment on this)

Sunday, September 18th, 2005
10:23 pm


Friday I'm In LoveCollapse )

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, August 25th, 2005
9:14 am - New Kelly song


Because of youCollapse )

current mood: sleepy

(comment on this)

Monday, August 15th, 2005
1:46 pm

this song makes me feel like cryingCollapse )

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, August 8th, 2005
2:12 pm - :-\


This song STILL makes me think of him, even years later...Collapse )

current mood: sad

(1 comment | comment on this)

Friday, August 5th, 2005
11:47 am

It seemed like just a formality
But afterwards my life was completely different
When did I grow up so much?

When did this happen?

Better yet-------How did this happen?

current mood: contemplative

(comment on this)

Saturday, July 30th, 2005
8:54 pm

my favorite songCollapse )

(1 comment | comment on this)

Friday, July 29th, 2005
10:01 am


I've liked this song for awhileCollapse )

current mood: depressed

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, July 28th, 2005
10:22 pm - I really like this song


Forever--Vertical HorizonCollapse )

current mood: confused

(2 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page