It has come to the attention of our office that you did not in fact win $1,000,000US, or hear about the sick bastard doctor in Africa who tried to swindle you out of your dearly held pay until too late. We will fix this problem. That is why we thank you would make a good husband/wife/madame/pimp. That is why we are reaching you, and not in the name of Jesus.
Be advised that Jesus is a fraud. He has been stealing from the poor who have only been trying to help the poorer in third world countries, for decades, if not centuries, but probably not for millions of years (for the simple fact that he has not been around for that long). We are not the type of organization that asks you to help the starving with drugs, or give food to the bloated, and dying of leprosy. We do not ask for a pittance and take our 80% from several populations, and do our taxes with what’s left. Like so many others do, in the name of Baby Jesus, and so many other Saints who just gotta take a piss.
We just want to ask you for one thing for one person that someone needs. That thing is pants. Yes believe me that is all we need. Pants. That’s it basic and simple! There are hundreds of children, and other people who don’t sound quite so needy, and don’t pull on your heartstrings quite so gaudily. We want you to give pants to children. The children of Africa need pants.
That is why I ask you, not for the shirt on your back. But for pants for Africa, in the name of Satan. Thank you for listening or reading, or not reading this, or doing fucking crack I really don’t give a shit. This isn’t strip poker, and I’m tired of losing my shirt aaand my pants in that whoreson dog-humping sonofabitch of a game. So this time it’s up to you to strip. For Satan!
Will you donate your pants for just one day? That’s all that we ask. In the name of Satan? He loves you, you know. You don’t want him to cry now do you? And we know you love your coffee. We’re not asking you to donate any of that. We love the slavery that goes on to put that vermin tincture in your cup, anyway!
All you have to do is walk around the street on a day of your choosing without those awful gaudy slacks, or anything on your legs but your skivvies, and realize how much others need them. If you’re female you might get a little nipply, and get a lot of looks, and a lot of numbers if you want them. If you’re a guy like me, someone will probably ask you to cover up, but you might get lucky and get raped by some vixens dressed in cellulite or something more racy with a man dressed as a pirate, if you’re into that sort of thing, I don’t know who would be… But whatever happens you don’t need them.
Anyway that’s not really the point, trust me. We just want to thankyou with heartfelt gratitude for all the pants you people will send us on behalf of Satan. Remember Satan loves you all! Remember the little children! And above all remember they need pants!!!! The sacred fruit has fallen and conformity lives no more in the heart of the wicked.
Pants for Satan! Pants for Satan’s sweet African children! Donate now, and beware of monkeys masquerading as angels.
Pants For Satan
2020 Roger Station, Toronto, ON
In the washroom behind the stovepipe
In the basement turn left when you see Inanna’s bananas.