borg monkey ape thing

(no subject)

Hello dear sir or madame, or otherwise, even if you are not dear, hello, hi, bonjour, aloha!

It has come to the attention of our office that you did not in fact win $1,000,000US, or hear about the sick bastard doctor in Africa who tried to swindle you out of your dearly held pay until too late. We will fix this problem. That is why we thank you would make a good husband/wife/madame/pimp. That is why we are reaching you, and not in the name of Jesus.

Be advised that Jesus is a fraud. He has been stealing from the poor who have only been trying to help the poorer in third world countries, for decades, if not centuries, but probably not for millions of years (for the simple fact that he has not been around for that long). We are not the type of organization that asks you to help the starving with drugs, or give food to the bloated, and dying of leprosy. We do not ask for a pittance and take our 80% from several populations, and do our taxes with what’s left. Like so many others do, in the name of Baby Jesus, and so many other Saints who just gotta take a piss.

We just want to ask you for one thing for one person that someone needs. That thing is pants. Yes believe me that is all we need. Pants. That’s it basic and simple! There are hundreds of children, and other people who don’t sound quite so needy, and don’t pull on your heartstrings quite so gaudily. We want you to give pants to children. The children of Africa need pants.

That is why I ask you, not for the shirt on your back. But for pants for Africa, in the name of Satan. Thank you for listening or reading, or not reading this, or doing fucking crack I really don’t give a shit. This isn’t strip poker, and I’m tired of losing my shirt aaand my pants in that whoreson dog-humping sonofabitch of a game. So this time it’s up to you to strip. For Satan!

Will you donate your pants for just one day? That’s all that we ask. In the name of Satan? He loves you, you know. You don’t want him to cry now do you? And we know you love your coffee. We’re not asking you to donate any of that. We love the slavery that goes on to put that vermin tincture in your cup, anyway!

All you have to do is walk around the street on a day of your choosing without those awful gaudy slacks, or anything on your legs but your skivvies, and realize how much others need them. If you’re female you might get a little nipply, and get a lot of looks, and a lot of numbers if you want them. If you’re a guy like me, someone will probably ask you to cover up, but you might get lucky and get raped by some vixens dressed in cellulite or something more racy with a man dressed as a pirate, if you’re into that sort of thing, I don’t know who would be… But whatever happens you don’t need them.

Anyway that’s not really the point, trust me. We just want to thankyou with heartfelt gratitude for all the pants you people will send us on behalf of Satan. Remember Satan loves you all! Remember the little children! And above all remember they need pants!!!! The sacred fruit has fallen and conformity lives no more in the heart of the wicked.

Pants for Satan! Pants for Satan’s sweet African children! Donate now, and beware of monkeys masquerading as angels.

Pants For Satan
2020 Roger Station, Toronto, ON
2B1 6X9
In the washroom behind the stovepipe
In the basement turn left when you see Inanna’s bananas.
SK avatar

Breaking News!

Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse: All The News That's Fit To Print, And Then Some.

Boojum runs loose on LiveJournal
By = Amanda Sukmi Cox

Pungenday, day 40 in the season of Discord, 3175 Year of Our Lady of Discord - In yet another case to get LiveJournal users' goat, it has been discovered today that a Boojum is running loose in the wires and servers of LiveJournal, using the wires to eat people from all around the world. A side effect of this heinous act is the disappearance of content from certain users' posts.

I asked Boojum expert, Mr. Bat Pennitar from the Evil Goatee Universe, why this was the case. After stroking his goatee with an evil grin on his face for several minutes, he finally said with a voice much like that of Carlos Montalban, "Because, you see, the Boojum is an animal that can live either in the real world or online. It needs a port of entry, a portal from one world to the other. This is similar to the creatures known as Internet Trolls, though those are really humans who have become infected by the bite of another Internet Troll. When the light of the computer monitor hit them, they turn into Internet Trolls. But I digress." He paused to stroke his goatee and grin wickedly for a few more minutes before continuing, "A Boojum is not human and has never been human. They are ferocious monsters from the Bottomless Pits of The Bible Belt, created in the darkness by something called 'schlin,' which is the oppisite of 'sin.' It is when people, usually highly religious, resist temptations of the flesh and other things they consider sins. Of course, 'sin' does not exist, but schlin most definetely does. It congeals in dark places like a white slime because it is a substance made from denial and repression."

He stopped to stroke his beard and grin wickedly again, then laughed maniacally before continuing. "Boojums used to be extremely common, but now their numbers have been dwindling, at least in the United States, Australia, Canada, and Europe, because of decreasing numbers of people living in fear of sin. But as their numbers diminish, they get scared and lash out. They have lately taken to getting online and trying to reverse the conditions which are threatening them, with the help of some groups of Internet Trolls called Fundies, and other means. In fact, I have seen them targeting individuals, even eating the content from their posts.

"Now as I said, Boojums eat people. But they can only eat people who emit schlin. Those who are not repressed and fearful of sinning are protected by this from direct attacks by Boojums. But indirect attacks, ranging from eating the content of their posts to posessing Internet Trolls, are aimed at trying to convert the target individual to a life of schlin. As long as these individuals continue to resist, they will be fine. A little annoyed, perhaps, but fine. Now, if you will pardon me, I just got a call from my pet midget, telling me that my plane is landing now." He cackled with glee and vanished in a puff of weasels.

I tried to speak with LiveJournal officials today about the Boojum in the wires, but they seemed reluctant to speak. My Russian is a tad rusty, but I believe they said something about not wanting me around while they're eating dinner. Well, something about "Don't come in while I'm masticating!" I guess they thought I was a telemarketer. Ah well.

So, it is not known how soon the Boojum will be flushed out, but Mr. Bat Pennitar *did* give me the business card for a very good Boojum removal service: "Boojum Jockey's: Let BJ Come For You!"

More updates as we have them.


Today's Breaking News is sponsored by Geiger brand radioactive soda pop! It's the other green liquid that will turn you into a mutant freak! Just $1.99! Buy today!
Sacred Chao
  • telarus

A Glossary of Terms for Surviving the End Tmes, Aftermath, YOLD 3175

DISCORDIANISM: Like Wicca, it started off as a religion for pot-smoking hippie bums who wanted to pass off their bullshit as a philosophical statement. The key difference was it was full of jokes plagiarized from the Marx brothers. Somewhere along the line, like many obscure things that deserved to stay obscure, it got co-opted by sweaty, anime-downloading computer nerds and has become some stupid inside joke on message boards full of assholes, giving it as much meaning and significance as All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS: Discordians who get bored of saying “Fnord” and “Hail Eris” and wanted to make up new nonsense phrases and pretend like saying them while giggling was a constructive act of activism. Eternal Salvation or Your Money Back.

THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA: Between “My First ABCs” and “The Essential Guide to Star Wars Ships” in terms of literary importance. Fnord.

THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS: Like the Principia Discordia, only 100 pages longer, and it costs 20 bucks instead of being able to find it on Google.

THE ILLUMINATUS TRILOGY: A plagiarism of Joyce’s work filled with nerdy pop culture references and pretentious rantng about how things like "maps" are not things like "the territory".

SCHRODINGER’S CAT: A plagiarism of Vonnegut’s work filled with nerdy pop culture references and pretentious ranting about flying penises.

ROBERT ANTON WILSON: A man who has accumulated a small fortune selling plagiarisms of Joyce and Vonnegut filled with nerdy pop culture references with pretentious ranting.

MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER: Some “wacky” nom de plume of a man who probably wrote The Principia Discordia in a stained tie-dye T-shirt on a bongwater-stained couch while listening to a highly worn LP of Freak Out!, The White Album, or The Piper at the Gates of Dawn. Wasn’t smart enough to copyright his work so probably died alone and penniless on a gutter while clenching a Coke bottle pipe filled with schwag, while his buddy Robert Anton Wilson eats steak for dinner in his dining room.

KERRY THORNLEY/LORD OMAR/A BILLION OTHER STUPID PSEUDONYMS: Wrote ten crazy Xeroxed rants about Libertarianism and thought his friends were agents of the Illuminati, now posthumously considered a genius.

STEVE JACKSON: The poster boy for the official point of transformation of the vast majority (ie: 40) of Discordians changing from hippie slackers to D&D nerds who wish they could have been alive to be hippie slackers like their parents.

FNORD: A word invented to be used in the boring, pointless signatures, “hilarious” spam, and half-hearted graffiti of Discordians. Might have been a slightly funny inside joke between RAW, Thornley, and Malaclypse, but the Internet beat it into the ground like it does to everything.

23: The fact that that number can sometimes be seen somewhere is proof of an elaborate evil conspiracy/magical cosmic force that protects and strengthens all Discordians. Skidoo!

THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI: The 19th century version of the Discordians. IE: They had great ideas but we’re too lazy and fuckwitted and unorganized to get anything done so instead they just made a bunch of bullshit. So obviously the Discordian society idolizes them.

THE POEE: 12.235 members strong.

THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY: π^18 members strong.

WWW.PRINCIPIADISCORDIA.COM: An expensive domain name that somebody pays for solely to host a 60-page book that can be found for a yardsale at 25 cents, or in it’s entirity on the first 13 pages of a Google search. In other word, a nerd who felt the obligation to make a site that wasn’t about what bands they like or how similar to Hitler Bush is.

ERISIANS: Discordians who insist on being called something else to be difficult. Those Spags.

ERIS/DISCORDIA: There is a disagreement among Discordians and Erisians as to her nature. Discordians think she’s a cartoon character with magic powers who help them out and who they fantasize to while masturbating, (that is, when they’re too lazy to open up their porn folder or turn to the Dryad page of the D&D Monster Manual). Erisians think the same thing although they sprinkle it with some Taoist metaphysical bullshit.

OPERATION MINDFUCK: A way to make the world a better place that apparently involves trolling conservative communities, writing notes on bathroom walls, making up little pieces of paper that say “LOL U R TEH POPE” and being too afraid to hand them out to people, and contemplating all of these brilliant ideas on a message board and being too lazy to do any of them.

JAKE: Like a mindfuck except more childish, if that’s possible.

WWW.POEE.CO.UK: A website with a professional-looking appearance and informative content. This makes it’s owner Syntapgjax, a Fake Discordian, since obviously the definition of “Discordian” is “someone who can’t get their shit together.”

FAKE DISCORDIAN: A term thrown around a lot for practitioners of a religion that embraces ontological freedom and equality. It’s actually a redundant term.

“WE DISCORDIANS MUST STICK APART”: An excuse for not having your shit together.

"STICKING APART IS MORE FUN WHEN WE DO IT TOGETHER!": An excuse for not having your shit together along with a bunch others at the same location.

CHAOS MAGIC: If Wicca is people who need an authority figure to give their minds permission to use magic adopting 'books form Barnes and Noble' as such, than Chaos Magic is the same, only with Google, Alice in Wonderland, and Swordfighting in the Park.

ZENARCHY: A term used by Discordians who have to pretend they’re too enlightened to use terms like “Anarchist” to describe their political belief, so they use a term that sounds deep but is actually an unfunny portmanteau, like “Zenarchist” so they can pretend they’re too cool for politics. Because we Are.

THE LAW OF FIVES: An important lesson in epistemological relativism becomes an inside joke among people on the internet who contemplate why the limpidity of your objections ever motivates our hunger.

COPYRITE/KOPYRIGHT/KOPYRITE/COPYLEFT/KOPYLEFT: A term that’s obviously Discordian because of the lame pun. Spawned Wikipedia, which is what sexless nerds use as an authoritative source of knowledge, in the same way imperialist intellectual elitists used the Britannica.

DISCORDIAN SAINT: Someone who the government hasn’t forced to take their medsmedia yet.

THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA.COM FORUMS: Where you can read jokers bickering like the cast of MASH towards the end of the show and pretending that they’re better than 95 percent of DeadJournal users somehow. Also full of long, drawn out, pointless rants that just reiterate the same uninsightful points. Discordians are nerds who don’t have enough sex. Strangely enough 95% of them are smoking hot, and 60% of those are female..., 1% of which have fetishes for men in Richard Nixon masks.