Want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your doggone chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your
concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I
no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no
longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer
eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me
gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex
because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers-but that will change once I
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if
I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) I no
longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to
die in the hospital (for the 1387258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo
much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm
this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd
cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!!!