I can't say as I really know when this started, when I stopped hearing things that were not sounds and when I started seeing things that were not dreams. I've been in a dream for so long now that it didn't seem to matter. Dreams and reality are no longer seperate entities, no, they are the same for me. Melded into the same glass window pane shielding my eyes, but mixed with different sands. Reality becomes a dream, and everything is then no longer reality, but just a set of images running play by play in your mind's eye and then, perhaps there is a difference, but it seems to not matter so very much anymore.
I cannot tell you when I awoke, because there was really no way to tell. Reality didn't stop melding with my dreams at any one certain point, it was a gradual process. There is no one distinction, for sleep and wakefulness are not so different as they seem, and one cannot be certain that opening his eyes really brings him back to what he likes to call reality.
I suppose things were different when they did not stop and the end, rewind, and play again. When something new entered the mix of stories and images playing through my mind. While I was in the memories, the dreams, the reality, I was also outside them, and so when I was no longer observing, it signalled the newness of this.
Two of them, both dressed in the familiar blue lined suits that signals the Shinra Manufacturing Department in Administrative Research, better known as Turks. One male, one female. I once wore a suit like that. The circumstances that led me to despise it are such that I have knowingly brought upon myself, and knowing this, I still loathe the Shinra.
They tell me that Sephiroth is alive, tormenting the Planet in hopes to become a god. Perhaps I have failed him, the child that may as well have been my own, as well as failing the one that meant more to me than all else put together. I would have given everything to see her smile, even if I wasn't the one to make her smile. Perhaps I owe it to her to go with them, if only to gather the situation and process what I should do from there. Perhaps I owe it to her to stop this torture they call sleep and see what I can do.
They are looking for Hojo. He has quit Shinra too, they tell me. I will look for Hojo as well. There are things he and I must.. discuss.
Well, here's the day that Palmer was supposed to be free to leave. This being the case, I head over to the hospital to meet him as he leaves. When I got there, however, I found that he had escaped the night before. More of my time wasted on a lost cause . . .
I don't blame him for escaping. I would have done the same thing if I wasn't convinced that I will be able to make Midgar the hospitable place it was once some day. Also, I feel I have an obligation to look after Elmyra and Marlene, although Elmyra managed to raise Aerith quite nicely all by herself.
The reconstruction of the Shinra tower is going alright. They finished the ninth floor yesterday and started work on the tenth. Mister President was pleased with how the construction of the first floor turned out. He congratulated the supervisors on a job well done, but he, of course, neglected to congratulate the people who made their blueprints . . . People who have remained loyal to him despite the pay cuts and having no offices to call their own . . .
[. . .]
Aerith's been recuperating nicely despite the freezing climate. Each of us has found a way to occupy ourselves in the meantime. I don't know about the rest of AVALANCHE, but Barret and I spend our time with constant arguments. I'll admit that I start most of our fights, but that's because I want to change his thoughts about how he can save the planet. After all, blowing up a Mako reactor and killing how many civilians is the worst possible thing he could have done . . . !
He's not interested in listening to me talk about better ways though because I'm in Shinra. Just because I'm in Shinra doesn't mean I don't care about the people, damnit . . . ! They are the main reason why I haven't quit this job!
I just wish he would think with his mind instead of his anger . .
OOC: Sorry it's been like a year since I posted. -_-; Computer ate posts many times. Have new computer now. Hopefully Cid is nicer than Golbez.
Once all of them had stopped talking, I realized something.
I was moving. On my own. I could open my eyes and see the grimy green steel above me, I could hear the faint buzz of a television flashing static across the small screen, I could rub my own forehead. And not only that, but my thoughts... they are my own again. I can sit here and wonder where the fucking hell I am and how I got here and why my head hurts so much.
The last thing I remember is hauling Cloud up the cliffs outside of Midgar and then... something happened. I have no idea what. I'm assuming it has something to do with why I'm sitting in this damn pipe watching a television that picks up two channels on a good day.
I have no idea where Cloud is. I sat here for a day and a half waiting for someone to come, thinking maybe Cloud was out somewhere, that he'd brought me here or something.. and no one's come. Nothing. It's like no one knows I'm here, that I exist. Hell, no one does probably.
I don't know what to do. I know I gotta get out of here, though.. something's happening. I just wish I knew what.
The whole experiance was quire empowering, making that creature die,I was half emptying my anger on the poor thing. Tseng just doesn't seem to have a clue, he actually had the nerve to give me a telling off like some little schoolgirl that didnt know any better. He either has balls to talk how he did, or he's just proven hes an absolute imbocile. The latter would be understandablel,soemone of very little libido control, or mental control for that matter, would have ANY relations with such an..urgh...a slut!
But as usual, this is the routine withmen, I hate this double standards scenario! It would be a COMPLETELY different story if I did the same. If I had some type of 'meaningless relationship' with one of my workers. I wonder how he'd like that?
I wouldn't have the heart to carry it out...unfortunately, I feel as strong asmy co workers, but as a woman, im quite an emmotional little blondie. Im just likemostwomen, Id like the sucess,the familly, the nice husband type.
But realistically, this won't ever be possible. With lunatics lke sephiroth running around, the world is surelly never to be the ideal that I,and many others would hope for.
Anyway, getting carried off into my own little wonderland. Back to Tseng. I.....I feel helpless. How can I posibly turn around and say exactly whats on my mind without him thinking im some possesive psyco?
easy, I can't! what the hell?
okay, a vampire in cloak, or we've just stumbled onto the weirdest fetish party for one..
I was sick of this place. This crowded hotel room, the dull citizens, the constant whinnings of Reno . . .
. . . Elena.
She's angry at me. She knows about Scarlet. It's not as if Scarlet and I had any sort of relationship past one nights comfort, and yet, Elena acts as if I had betrayed her. I think this is the silliest thing I've ever expirenced. A man is allowed to have sexual relationships with anyone he sees fit to!
It doesn't help that Scarlet seems to think our one night seems to be something more. I don't understand it. We've had such relations before- I always thought we knew we would be there for eachother when needed, without emotional attachments.
We were friends with benefits. To be crude, we fucked when we needed a fuck. And now . . . She's flirting with me, hanging over me. Ruining my chances with Elena!
Yes, she's very angry at me. I don't understand it. God, I don't understand women! I need to have a talk with her . . . A long talk, where she sits down and listens to my words, not what I'm "saying behind them", and I can explain myself.
I do so care for her . . . I want things to go back to the way they were!
But, no. This won't ever happen. Not if she continues acting the way she is!
I tried to escape from her today, at least. Her constant glares, her pouts . . .
Though I can't help but find it endearing.
I told them all I was going to investigate the letter we found at the Shinra mansion. I was curious as to what this "game" led too . . .
And Elena trailed along, secretly. Spying on me! I couldn't believe her . . .
Though I was very happy when I, having found all the codes, unlocked a safe to find a rather difficult monster. She and I destroyed it, but just barely.
God, how I wanted to kiss her once it was through. She was alive! She had made it!
Though . . . All I did was give her a stern lecture. I couldn't say more, as she did, practically, save my life.
She came with me to the basement, to open the door there and find out what the "prize" for winning this "game" was.
And there . . .
. . . There was vampire!
I received some more notes forwarded to me from Mr. President's secretary. I really hate it when she does things like this. I may be his spy, but I'm not his messenger boy . . . She's the one who's supposed to be giving these to him, not me!
Anyways, I read one of the notes which stated that Palmer is better and free to leave today. I didn't call him much while he was in the hospital because his voice annoys me to no end, not to mention his antics. Though that little song of his does make me chuckle a bit . . .
Come to think of it, I think that note I lost was the one saying that Palmer was not one of the fatalities when part of the Shinra tower crashed into the hospital. I should go tell Mr. President about Palmer.
I'm going to stop by and see him as he leaves first, though. Kind of as an apology for not calling much. Then I'll tell Mr. President.
Speaking of Mr. President, now that all the blue prints for the new Shinra tower are finished, he cut even more funds from my department. Hell, he even told me to clean out my "office" and just work from home 'cause he needs it . . . I don't know how much more of this I can take . . . I don't plan on quitting, but he does tempt me sometimes.
Now I should be going if I want to meet up with Palmer.
[. . .]
So now we're all together at the Icicle Inn. Well, except for Cid, of course . . . We'll be meeting him at Rocket Town as soon as Aerith recovers, though.
As much as it's good to see her alive and recovering, a part of me wishes she was still dead, as cruel as that sounds. It's nothing against her, it's just the memory I replay in my head whenever I see her or Cloud; taking Marlene prisoner and using her to convince them to "forget" our little mishap at the Gold Saucer. I didn't want to, but I had no other alternative . . . I wasn't going to hurt her even if they had kicked me out of the group, but I still feel bad by threatening to do so.
I wonder when Tseng will return from Nibelheim . . . I still need to tell him about Aerith. Maybe if she recovers enough and we get to Rocket Town before they leave, I can sneak out and let him know.
[ About the icon.. x.x; Sorry that it's Aeris on there and not Aerith.. That's how I got it. O_o; ]
I was a bit reluctant about handing Aerith over to Cait Sith at first. What can I say? I'm protective like that, and Aerith is probably one of the most important people to me. It's kinda funny. How long have I known her? A few months, maybe, but it feels as if I've known her as long as I have Cloud...
Speaking of which, he's another person I've been worrying about. I know a lot of people probably hate him now, and considering how attached I am to Aerith, you think I would hate him, too, but... I just can't. I know that it wasn't done intentionally, that Sephiroth had some part in that, that Sephiroth strung him like a puppet to use at his bidding. And even with the news about Cid, even then... I just can't hate him.
Because that isn't Cloud. That mindless shell... that isn't the Cloud I know. Then again, I've been worried... his memories about five years ago seem sort of... botched. I was scared to tell him, scared of what it would do to him, but I'm thinking that maybe that clearance might help return him to his true self, to the Cloud I knew and loved.
Love... but how did I, how do I love him? Like a brother, a friend, or something more? I'm not so sure now. At one point, I think I did have feelings that could be intimate but I'm not sure if those were justified, if they were really what I was thinking, or what I was forcing myself because Cloud needed some of that love.
As we got close to the Icicle Inn, my arms itched to feel that warmth again, and so I had Cait Sith return her to my grasp. It was comforting, feeling her steady breathing, the proof that she was in fact alive... that she was back. I couldn't help having a faint smile brush against my lips as we neared the town.
But then I just about dropped her in shock. Standing there on the ivory snow were two people I hadn't expected to see for a while, people I had believed had ditched me and long ago filed me as insane. I quickly removed my surprised expression, instead replacing it with a smug grin as I stopped in front of them, Nanaki and Cait Sith ceasing their footsteps a few paces behind me.
My ruby eyes just scanned over their equally apalled countenances for a moment before I spoke. "She's alive." Best that I cleared that up first, proved myself right. "I heard about Cid. Is he doing all right?" I assumed that was where you came from; it seemed logical enough. "We'll have to go see him as soon as we can, but we need to get her some rest first." I was glad I was managing to keep my voice steady, powerful. I wouldn't let them know that I was tired, scared of what the future held. Even if I was weak inside... the fact that Aerith was with us again made me feel strong as well as weak. She would be at my side from now on, when we faced Cloud, when we faced Sephiroth. We could be together.
...why am I thinking like this? I don't really know. But before they could even get their thoughts together to respond, I was crunching through the snow towards the inn, that satisfying smile still illuminating my features. She was beginning to regain some of her color, definitely a good sign. I couldn't wait to speak to her again, to see her emerald eyes filled with life.
Elena elena elena...if only you knew how good he was! kyahaah!!
mmm just how he makes you feel. Heck, he could satisfy us both, im open to procedures like that...heh.
Thats why im here, at her apartment, I thought id call in, see that there were no hard feelings....hehe, should be exceedingly fun.
Rufus asked me to make something, anything to help with the Sephiroth problem. I could suggest a couple of things that would keep sephiroth busy for a couple of hours *bounce* hahaha!
Palmer and his antics, oh how I miss his tubby body roaming the building. Despite his round figure...I still would. Well, I would anyway. I think Tseng left my residence happy and content, allthough...there is one problem, that little blonde. The only problem with tseng is that...he is probably emmotional, I get that vibe. The intern was, haha, he was amusing, he wanted a commitment. Im like a man with no penis, Im a comitmentphobe,and damn proud of it.
Anyways, is she going to answer this bloody door?!