krystal_moon (krystal_moon) wrote in _pottaholics,
krystal_moon
krystal_moon
_pottaholics

FIC: Sirius' Pain (R) by Helen

Title: Sirius’ Pain

Author: Remus’ Lady (formerly known as ecco1983)

Pairings: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin

Summary: Sirius agonises over the pain his lover must go through every full moon

Rating: R/NC-17 (I’m not too sure you can to be honest)

Warnings: implied homosexual activity, nudity

Disclaimer: The original characters come from the mind of J K Rowling. I don’t own them and I’m certainly not making any profit from this.

Archive: Fanfiction.net, adultfanfiction.net, SBRL, Azkaban's Liar, _pottaholics (Live Journal), _sla_ (Live Journal), _whompingwillow (Live Journal), darkmoonshine (Live Journal), hpslash (Live Journal), marauders_slash (Live Journal), remusxsirius (Live Journal), sleepypups (Live Journal) You can archive it anywhere. Just let me know where so I can visit

Notes: There is nothing exciting about this one, I guess. Its just my vision of what Sirius might be feeling whenever Remus must turn into a werewolf. It can be seen as a sequel to my short fic “Releasing the Pressure” but I am writing it as a stand alone fic.

Review: Yes please (You can also review it here: http://hp.adultfanfiction.net/authors.php?no=7751)

Sirius held Remus’ hand tightly in his own as they walked together along the secret passageway which led to the Shrieking Shack. It was nearing sundown and the moon would soon rise and Remus would no longer be Remus anymore. For a whole night, he would be a dark creature and he would be trapped in a world of the most exquisite mental and physical torture. But Sirius would be there, just as he had been for the past two years. Sirius had known Remus' secret since they were both in their second year at the school but he had not been able to help him with it in any way until they reached their fifth year. They were now well into their seventh year and Sirius had no regrets about becoming an Animagus. He in fact enjoyed becoming a dog and took the opportunity to become one whenever he could.

He was also happy that he was now Remus’ sole companion. In the past year, James had been spending more and more of his time with his girlfriend, Lily Evans, and Peter was not much fun to be around any more. Silent and mopey. Sirius believed Peter preferred to be around James to being anywhere else. After all, James was the most popular bloke in the entire school and Sirius and Remus had noticed from the first year that Peter liked to be around the popular people. Yes, Sirius and Remus were popular but they could not match up to the great and noble James. Sirius smirked at the thought of Peter spying on James as he had secret snog sessions with Lily.

Sirius watched Remus as they came closer to the Shrieking Shack. He regarded his lover’s stern and serious face and Sirius could not help but admire Remus’ bravery. He could only imagine the pain Remus went through when he transformed, and his heart ached to see such a kind and good-hearted person having to endure this.

Sirius sometimes wondered whether it was the curse that made Remus so good-hearted. If he was normal like the rest of the witches and wizards of Hogwarts, would he be any different than he was ? Would he be as hard-working or would he be lazy like Sirius? Sometimes, Sirius speculated that it was the curse that made Remus so driven, as if he were trying to prove that werewolves can be just as dedicated as other wizards and witches and that he was trying to overcome a world full of prejudice.

As they reached the Shack, they walked upstairs to the special room which was theirs. For the past few months, they would go up to this room and just hold each other until the full moon came. They would not say a word during this time. Remus would quietly undress, as the process of turning into a werewolf tended to lead to ripped clothes, which he could ill afford. Sirius would also undress as to give the appearance of normalcy, and to release some tension over the night to come.

They would lie on the dusty bed together and just hold each other. Although he tried to hold back his own fear, Sirius could tell that Remus was afraid. Sometimes he could feel Remus shaking and Sirius would soothe him by stroking his wild mop of hair and kissing the top of his head. As Remus buried his head in his lover’s chest, Sirius would look out of the window and watch for the full moon.

Remus never needed to look. He could feel it and so could Sirius. As the full moon hit the night sky, Remus’ fearful shakes would turn to violent convulsions. For a few seconds, Sirius would hold Remus tighter until Remus urged him to leave the room. Before he went though, Sirius left his lover with a kiss for good measure. Remus never wanted anyone to see him transform- he stated that he believed that if anyone saw him transform, they would see Remus and the monster inside him as the same and he wanted to keep them as separate as possible.

Sirius tried not to listen to the mayhem that went on as he sat in the corridor all night but it was hard not to. Sometimes he would cry, knowing he could not help his beloved. He knew he had to be the strong one but sometimes he could not help it. He couldn't help but feel that the change in Remus had an effect upon him as well, that tomorrow things would be back to normal. Remus would go back to his quiet and bookish self and Sirius would go back to his cocky self. Tonight, Sirius did not feel cocky at all. Sometimes, he wondered whether this sad version of himself was the real Sirius and not the arrogant person that everyone at Hogwarts knew him to be. This feeling became worse in the winter because the nights were longer and the screams and the noise seemed to go on forever. At least, in the spring and summer, it felt less like a lifetime.

Hearing Remus’ uncontrollable nature also made Sirius ashamed of his own heritage. He knew how his family felt about those who were not “pureblood”. Remus was a half-blood which, added to his werewolf state, made him a monster in the eyes of the Black family. Sirius’ family had disowned him a long time ago and he didn’t care. He was ashamed of them. If only they would open their bigoted eyes and see that some of the best people in the world were different. Remus and Lily were just two of them. But Sirius knew his family would forever be consumed in their pureblood pride and never change their ways. And for that, Sirius was ashamed to be part of that family- no not anymore- he had been disowned.

As the night dragged on, Remus became more violent and Sirius changed into his dog form just to be safe. Sometimes Remus never left the room in his werewolf form but Sirius did not want to take any risks. As a dog, he laid upon the floor with his head between his paws and watched the moon, cursing it for what it did to his beautiful Remus.

As the black night slowly turned to purple and orange streaks, he knew that it would be over soon. He enjoyed this moment most of all because it meant the monster would be gone for another month. He looked forward to hearing the screams fade as Remus would change back and fall asleep. Sirius would go into the room as always and just hold him as he slept. He held him and comforted him so that the first thing Remus saw when he woke up would be the one person who truly loved him for who he was.

Sirius waited and waited until the screams were gone. Then he changed back into his human form and walked slowly into the room. And there was Remus in the middle of the room, curled up like a sleeping dog. Sirius could see the new and fresh scars and wounds that were self-inflicted. There was an ache in his heart at the sight but he was also happy that his Remus was back. He slowly and gently picked Remus up without disturbing him and carefully carried him to the bed. Then Sirius laid next to him curled up as he made spoons with his lover. He stroked and kissed Remus’s hair whilst silently crying.

As he wrapped himself around Remus, he laid his head on the pillow next to Remus and whispered “I love you” before falling asleep.
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