So I've been thinking even more about my weight-more specifically dying for it to drop like a ton of bricks- lately and I've realized that my already halved meal plan from IP is continuing it's magical shrinking act. I'm also having more periods of sadness/darkness. Im losing and it's scary how much I like it still and need it to continue. Everyday I spend time with God, doing at least a devotional and praying, restructure distorted thinking (with ED and my social anxiety thoughts), read affirmations, find know ones, and write down/anyalize/challenge (if necessary) my feelings. I also just started seeing a new therapist.
I'm afraid of a complete relapse b/c I just can't be back in treatment right now. Also, I'm just so tired of the daily endless ocean of pain with only tiny islands of peace in which I start to feel a little better, have a little increase in self-acceptance, or times like today when I thought of an event in my life that can be my new "safe/happy place." But by tonight I was turning in the happy tears of this memory for ones of pain and fear.
Any advice on beginning to release the thin, thin, very underweight ideal and if this is truly necessary. Like is there anyway I can be out of bondage but still be @ least model thin. And if not how to gain. Because I can barely imagine myself maintaining my weight now, let alone gaining.
I think I'm going to start taking my Prozac tommorrow.
so ye im turning 19 soon which for me seems quite scary, last teenage yr and all, but whats getting to me, or i should ive been thinking about alot is going back home for easter soon for 2 weeks.... after going back home for 3 weeks at xmas was harder then i thought itd b, things with me and my mum are still harder then i thought they'd b although being away from her sinse sept when i went to uni had helped, after 2 weeks she started to go back to her old ways, the ways that made me ill in the first place..... so i was gettin abit on edge in the third week, and well now im worried as it hasnt been long and i dont think i want to go back.... i dont want go back and ruin all the hard work ive done for it to all just get bad again.. but i think i have to as i dont have enough money left to stay here over easter, this terms been hard my student loan isnt lasting as long as id hoped, but the next bit comes on the 24th april so things should be ok after then...
i just really hope things dont go wrong over easter..... i dont wnt to ruin all this..... i wont let her do it to me again, its not fair on me anymore, i want to normal again, thats all i want.
thats all ive ever wanted.