Mary Jackson (gloryb2u) wrote in _online_love_,
Mary Jackson

Time for a new plan...

Well, as it turns out it really is next to impossible for me to move to Australia. The combo of his age and my financial status just make it that much more difficult. I'm planning to visit for a while in June anyways.

The distance is really hard on us already. With as quickly as things progress with him and I, I don't know that we can grow anymore really until we are together. We miss each other so much already, but it's got to be worse once we actually see each other.

We talked about me not visiting and just saving the money to make it easier for us to be together sooner. Neither of us really want to see each other tho. We don't want to make it more difficult on us later either.

I kind of feel like he isn't as disappointed about the fact that I can't move there as I am. I try to tell myself that it's because I was putting alot of effort into this and all he was doing is waiting so it's harder to realise my efforts were for nothing. I also feel like because I was doing so much planning that the idea of us being together soon was more real to me than it was to him. I don't know.

We have kind of talked about him coming here for college. It would probably be easier for him to come here than for me to go there for college. I don't know that he will actually do that tho, since he hasn't even thought about going to college. He only recently started thinking about what he might like to do after high school.

I'm scared. I feel that if we aren't together in person soon, we are going to fall apart. I know we both love each other completely and that both of us want nothing more than to be together. And we've both promised that we aren't going to give up, but I still have my doubts that this can work. Neither of us have ever been fond of long distance relationships. We've both had to deal with it before. We both know the hurt involved. We can both be insecure and jealous sometimes.

We haven't been communicating very well lately. He doesn't seem as interested in what's going on with me lately. We both think that we started focusing so much on being together in person soon that we haven't been doing enough to keep things going now.

I've started to think he isn't as mature as I thought he was either. I think the age is a bigger problem than origionally suspected. I feel like I'm taking away his chance to be a normal teenage boy. He's too wrapped up in me and wanting to be with me. He hardly even wants to hang out with his friends because he'd rather be talking to me, but then we don't even really talk about anything unless I'm lecturing him. That's been our new problem. I don't know how or when this started but I seem to keep trying to tell him what to do because he's not acting the same and not taking care of things.

I almost want to save him the pain that I feel is coming later and just end things now. I've felt this way before but I came out of it. Before I only felt it would be better for him for us not to continue but now, I don't know if I want things to continue. Not like this at least.

I'm just exhausted because I feel like I'm more invested in this than he is and yet I don't want him to be any more invested because he needs to live his life and have fun and such. I think he is too serious about me for his age, but not serious enough to make me happy. I'm just stuck.

Maybe some of you have been through this before. I guess I'm looking for some encouragement to keep going. Some hope that being away from each other longer isn't going to tear us apart. Maybe someone could tell me if visiting each other made being apart harder or easier. I don't really know what I'm looking for except to know that I'm not the only one that is or has gone through this...

P.S. Sorry this was so long.
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