May 1st, 2007

deconstruct my thoughts.

(no subject)

I've had this problem in every LDR I've been in, but it's different now because Steve is the first one I met. I figured I'd post what's going on in here and get any advice from you guys, since I'm sure someone else in here has gone through the same sort of thing.

Although I am 19 and well out of high school, my boyfriend is a bit younger than me and is still in school. For the longest time, such as when I went to visit him in March, he was out of school. He was taken out because he was very ill in the beginning of the year and he was going to miss out on too much school.

Recently, he moved to Edmonton with his dad's girlfriend and her children. He was unfortunately forced into going back to school because they have a law that you can't be 16 and be in 9th grade in Canada, otherwise he would get kicked out and have to pay to go to school. He'll be 16 in January, so he has until then to complete 9th grade. It has left us both incredibly stressed out, our time more than cut in half, and him too drained to really do too much with me. Not only that, but since he moved, even before he went to school, he's not around a lot more often and we constantly get interruptions because he's not practically living by himself anymore.

This is part of the problem, but not the whole problem..

For my whole life, I've been told by my father that you can't trust anyone. Everyone is just out to screw you over the first chance you get. At a young age, you really believe what your parents have to say, and unfortunately I have seen a lot of what my dad has said to be true. A lot of people in my life whom I thought I could whole heartedly trust, have screwed me over in the end. Stephen, as far as I know, never has, though he has lied about a few things. First, his age. At first he told me he was 17 going on 18, little did I know he was actually 14 going on 15. He said he only lied because he was falling for me and knew I would never look past his age. Then, he lied about his mother, she isn't really dead, she's just really fucked up and he never sees her, but he's dead to her. He also lied about him not being a virgin, because in fact he was one before I came over to his house, but when I first met him he told me he was not. So it's a little bit hard to believe some of the things he said, though his age is the only real big lie.

Now on to the problem. Yesterday while we were on the phone, after he called me when he got home from school, his little step brother to be Tyler came into the room and told him that the girl down the street wanted Steve to come over to her house. I was furious, because I'm an incredibly jealous person and because I have those severe trust issues. Steve said hell no in that disgusted tone that he has at times, and continued talking to me. I asked him what the hell that was about and he told me that some random girl ran up to him in school and hugged him and said "hey gorgeous" and then left. I was pissed because it's not like I can be there to be like "bitch, back off my man" or something like that, lol. I was slightly annoyed about that, well, more than slightly, but I soon forgot and carried on with the conversation. Then we had to hang up because I was at work.

When I got home and about an hour or two into our conversation, Steve's dad comes in his room and tells him that someone is at his door. I'm thinking oh my god it better not be that girl. It was another girl. She asked if he wanted to come over, and Steve completely blew her off. She asked who he was on the phone with and he replied "same person as earlier" and I was thinking to myself uhh, what? and when the conversation between him and her was over, I told him he needs to go the fuck to his room and he replied "I know I'm going now". I asked him what the hell that was about, he said it was a friend of that girl that randomly hugged him in school. I asked him who he told her he was on the phone with, and he said that she was following him on the way home and asked him to come over then, but he said he was expecting a phone call from his girlfriend. I don't know if I can believe him.

My biggest issue right now is what the hell is going on with these two girls. I mean, I sat there and bawled on the phone to him. As far as I know he's always been faithful to me... but my jealousy, my paranoia, and my intense fear of abandonment always leads me to believe otherwise. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't do anything without being suspicious and wondering what he's doing behind my back, all because of this. He assured me, promised me, swore to god up and down that nothing did and nothing will happen. I want to believe him, I'm completely in love with him, I lost my virginity to him and vice versa, we lived together for a god damn week! We have plans to get married in the future, he wants me to move to Canada temporarily to be near him, but I still can't help but be afraid he's hiding things from me.

Earlier because my suspicion arose, I checked myspace to see if he had more than that myspace profile that I know about (that he hasn't logged in since the day he got it, new years eve, lol) and it appeared he did, but it was completely blank and he hadn't logged in it in months, and it was created before the one I knew about was. I was thinking I shouldn't worry about it but I'm not so sure. The last log-in was some time in March, after the one that actually HAS things about us and me and him in it. I'm not sure what to do.

Congratulations if you read this, I really do need help, I wish I had friends in real life. :/

xposted like always, ldr comm & my lj
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