September 9th, 2006

deconstruct my thoughts.

(no subject)

I was looking for a community like this for years. I used to belong to "LDR" back when I was a kid, but that died out. I also recently got back onto LJ. So, I found this community as well and here's my little intro thing :]

Name: Jenn
Age and Birthday: I'm 18, born on December 7th, 1987.
Location: Albany, New York.
Significant Other's name: Beau
Age and Birthday: 17, born April 6th, 1989.
Location: Victoria, Australia.
When did you get together: On his 17th birthday -- April 6th, 2006.
How did you meet: Ragnarok Online (iro.ragnarokonline.com)
How often do you see each other: Never have.
Whats the status of your relationship (dating, engaged, married, other): dating with plans to get married in the future (may sound weird to some)
Whats your favorite thing about your S.O.: his ability to make me smile and laugh through my tears.
Whats the hardest part of a LDR for you: not being able to be with him and share things with him in person¬ being able to physically drag him off World of Warcraft :<
How did you find this community? What was your main reason for joining: I searched interests with "long distance relationships." I've never had an actual relationship that wasn't online/phone so I figured this was the place for me.
Any additional comments: Not really :o although I may be the person who's love lives farthest away.


Now on to the real shit. I'm not diagnosed, but I have every sign of borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when I was 13 years old, and none of it ever really went away, but I quit taking my medication. I was okay for awhile, but then it came back. When Beau and I first got together, I was perfectly fine and normal. I could hold a conversation, joke around, and have fun. Life was perfect. After awhile, I started to be terrible twards him. I manipulated him, made him do everything for me, and took complete advantage of him. I was the biggest bitch the world has ever seen, and then after I realized what I had done, I would breakdown and cry and apologize greatly. At one point, he got sick of it. We almost broke up completely. We luckily got past it, but since then things were never the same. I have gotten terribly paranoid of him leaving me despite his constant reminders he won't. He has become quite emotionless towards me because of my previous and current actions. I've come quite far, though, now my problem is these incredibly crazy things I keep dreaming up. I'm not listening to fact, and not paying attention to reality. I make up assumptions & believe them without taking things into account, and it's driving him nuts. I'm incredibly selfish as well. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm trying to drain out emotion from him and I'm going about it the wrong way. He told me he doesn't give attention to negative behavior. I just don't know how to fix myself. He's perfectly fine. He told me that if I didn't act the way I do, he wouldn't act the way he does. He also tells me that he won't control me and I have to figure out answers by myself. The thing is, in my past relationships, especially one I was in for 3 and a half years, I was very controlled. He manipulated me and played mind games. If anyone has any advice.. that would be most appreciated. I just want things between us to go back to normal. I love him, and I want to spend my forever with him. I can't even go to sleep at night without him calling me, I need his voice to feel safe. ):


This is crossposted from ldr_support. I need as much help as humanly possible. Thanks in advance.