July 19th, 2006

And it all came crashing down...

I'm not going to Minnesota like we planned. I can't leave Texas because I have a medical condition that requires blood work and then medication/headscan and then I have to be monitored for 6 months. So going to Minnesota isn't an option for me anymore. 

Cliff wants me to go still but I explained it all to him. And that he can come live with me in my house. But does he want to? No. He wants to be with me when I go through all this but he doesnt want to be in my house. Cuz then we can't do anything like we did before. That's all he is concerned about. No about me or anything involving me. Just that we can't do anything together...sexually. 

I feel used. I thought he loved me more than that. But turns out...I guess he doesn't. Just wanting to do things together is all he is wanting. Not me. Just something else. I thought he would come to Texas without complaints and he'd be so happy to see me again. But no. He is more concerned about other things. He says he is thinking about us...Like with his job, staying in Minnesota to save up money for when I can go. But I need him here as support. Am I right? Doesn't he need to be here with me? Especially since we are all letting him stay here. And we have numerous ppl who can get him a job? He don't care about all that. Just us wanting to be alone like before. Not about my condition. Just about being alone and happy together. 

What am I going to do? I've tried talking to him about it. But he is just plain stubborn. Oh man, I don't think he loves like he claims...damn....

Right now he said he would come to Texas to be with me. Just hope he realizes why he is coming. To be with me when I need him the most...Am I asking too much? Or is this the right thing to do? He loves me. Hope he knows he does more than anything in the world. *sighs* If he leaves me here alone, I know where I stand in his life...second to money.
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