December 7th, 2005

What would I do, if I hadn't already got lucky once with you?

You guys all seem so welcoming and sweet, I really really appreciate it. I guess the reason why I created another journal to write in was for a few reasons. First, A. has a livejournal, too, and I really don't want him to see me writing anything that would make him feel like I doubt my love for him, or the (possible) future we talk about. I don't think he'd ever be reading a community like this, but I'd rather not risk it.

I guess I feel like I really needed to talk to people who are in similar situations. My best friend knows about A. and I, but she doesn't really understand it or necessarily approve of it.

In my last post, one of you commented asking if I doubt my feelings for him or the fact that we talk about living together. It's actually a little bit of both.

I am 99% sure that I really do love A. But I think sometimes I doubt it because it scares me. I feel like I am in a really vulnerable position letting myself feel the way I do. A. isn't a very reliable person, although he is getting a lot better.

I should probably write a little history...Read more...Collapse )

We're talking about meeting during my spring break. Going to a major city that is sort-of equidistant from our respective locations. I'm not nervous about meeting him, just that he won't get his shit together and it won't end up happening. He was supposed to visit me over the summer, which never happened. To be fair, one day he decided to drive out to see me on a whim, but his car broke down a few states over, so he ended up going back home. Part of me wants to steel myself and say "Ok, if you can't get together with me this time, forget everything". But I don't know if I could make myself do it when it came down to the wire, you know?

Sorry for the monster entry, it was hard to convey everything I wanted to without writing so much!
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