No drugs no nuclear weapons

Aaaaand I am existing again!

Mat: The Epicness of me is too epic to be described even with using epic words!

Overheard: Well maybe what you thought you saw wasn't really what your eyeballs saw, but what your brain thought it wanted to see.

Mecca: Mary's water broke and Jesus walked on out!

Adrien: I don't want Medusa to come out and greet me!

Ethan: Wait, what do my eyes have to do with breathing?

Adrien: I gave up my cock to give it to the year! (In regards to Year of the Rooster)

Bea: Its HIC (hick) orange lava blast and mello-yellow
JW: It's Hi-C, not hick honey.
Bea: That's not how it's spelled!
JW: See that line that is between the letters? That means you separate them.

Adrien: Stop fucking up! Seriously!

Beau: You still don't have parts! Why is this a hard thing to grasp? Seriously, you are like a Barbie under your clothes. There is NOTHING THERE. Because if there was stuff there then that means you're not still 12 and you're actually doing yucky stuff with Mat and that means I have to kill him, and I like him. So you don't have parts.

Adrien: Day-um girl! You got boobies! Where did those come from?
Me: ....I grew them?
Adrien: Good job.
Me: Uh...thanks? Is this awkward yet?
Adrien: Almost....yeah, yeah it's awkward.
Me: Oh....can we stop now?
Adrien: about that weight loss!

Leah: The woman gives me a heart attack every time she opens her mouth!

Me: I'm waiting for my heart to dislodge from my throat and make a tactical retreat back to my chest cavity, so gimme a second.

Me: Alright...I've got my ninja face on. You cannot see me for I am a ninja. Please don't let the creepers see me!

Me: Every time I see this place I have flashbacks to getting punched in the face...let's do this.

Me: You know, I could be wrong but fetal-position-vomiting-crying is really the wrong way to celebrate anything.

Overheard: He's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he fucked my homegirl but he's gay!
Me:...Was the homegirl a guy?

Kyle: I just heard the most horrifying segue ever: "While we're on the topic of burn victims..."

Tim: Love your neighbor as yourself...What if you have really low self-esteem?!

Me: As far as mysterious medical maladies, I'm basically a pro. Modern medical miracle right here. Defying logic since 1988.

Me: Eh, don't ask. It's safer if you don't ask. And by safer I mean more convenient for my lazy ass so I won't get annoyed.


(When I say Aubrey, I mean the Aubrey out here...not the other Aubrey who is all up in the LJ.)

Mitch: I think I hate you a little bit for being so right
Me: I'm...sorry?
Mitch: Good! Be wrong more!
Mitch's Mom: No possible, she's a girl.
Me: I know a lot of very wrong girls...
Mitch's Mom: No, those are whores.
Mitch: What?!

Cat: I'll punch her in her ugly cunt face!
Me: Not really what I need...
Cat: Yes it is. Shut up.
Aubrey: She's pissed, just let her punch ugly cunt faces.
Me: I feel like I should object more...

Kyle: There is a ginger wearing orange
Me: Why would you do that? Color bind?
Kyle: She hates the world. You can tell by her bull nose ring.
Me: Piercings are indicative of hate?
Kyle: Well, there is Mat...
Me: Shut up.

Me: Look! Skeletor! Duck!
Aubrey: This is the bitch who was saying Mat left you for her?!
Me: Yep.
Aubrey: Ew.
Cat: If he even touches that I will rip his arm off and beat him with it.
Me: What's with all the violence?!
Cat and Aubrey: Shut up!

Overheard ones! Cause people out here are crazy.

Random Guy Outside My Window: If I was gonna kill someone it wouldn't be for personal reasons, it'd be because I wanted to see what it was like to make someone die.
Girl with him: That's pretty fucked up....
Guy: Hey, if I'm gonna kill a bitch I'm gonna do it right, not cause I got pissed about something stupid.

At WalMart Guy 1: .....the whole point of hookers is that you don't have to call them!
Guy 2: But I liked her!
Guy 1: She's a hooker! Why did you give her your number?!
Guy 2: She seemed really nice!

Me: I return your pokey poke poke doom threefo9ld! This is my sneak attack...when you least expect it!
Chris: It was less that I didn't expect it and more that I was asleep...
Me: Unprepared, asleep...all the same when it comes to pokes.

Me (directed at some creepy dude outside): I swear to all things I hold in high regard I will END YOU in the worst possible way if you so much as look at me...Fuck.
Mat: I could kiss you or something..
Me: (Deathglare) How about no?
Mat: I could call you my sister?
Me: Ew! That makes the last five years REALLY gross...
Mat: I could grab your hand and run screaming crazy things?
Me: .....Um, yeah, let's go with that one.
(Insert running from creeper dude)
Me: I think he's following!
Mat: NOW will you let me kiss you or call you my sister?!
Me: One or the other, NOT BOTH!
it's gonna be a glorious day

(no subject)

An: First step: commit massive identity fraud
L: Second step: start our own country
An: Third step: steal utilities and broadband internet
L: Fourth step: get arrested
A: I don't like our fourth step. I think our fourth step should be 'profit'.

An: So I have to plan the perfect murder.
Kris: It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be good enough.

An: What if I kill someone in international waters?
Riley: Then Interpol comes after you
An: Fuck.

An: Ferrets: not good at spatial reasoning
Kris: Ferrets: not good at logic.
L: Ferrets: not good at much of anything

An: I think the problem may not be his intelligence but his wisdom. Because I'm sure that that ferret managed to roll a 0 on wisdom using a 3d6.

An: Man, nobody wants to see the flying lawnmower.
it's gonna be a glorious day

(no subject)

Kelan: I like to figure out how old the characters [in cartoons] are supposed to be, which was really weird when I started watching Spongebob.
ex-coworker: I think he has like, the body of a 22-year-old but the mind of a six-year-old.
Me: *really weirded out face* Spongebob has the body of a sponge.

Kelan: *gets a text and does a manicly happy dance in the middle of the store*
Me: ...was that a Happy Kitty Dance?
it's gonna be a glorious day

(no subject)

Sam: Is that something that comes from kabuki theatre?
Austin: Yes.
[all laugh]
Me: Short answer, yes.
Austin: Long answer, yeeeeeeeeeeeeessss.

"I think the not-having-a-head kills you faster." - Kris

"Look, you don't understand shota, I don't understand tiny hats." - me
it's gonna be a glorious day

On cats and fiction.

"Or like children! You obtain a child and keep it fed and watered and sheltered and...not on drugs. And sooner or later it turns into a viable human being!" - An

An, after Dima has mowled and been crazy all over the place: She is eating.
Me: Yeah, she has food.
An: So she's been whining and crying all this time for nothing?
Me: She just doesn't like the crumbs.
An: Child. There are stray cats in Africa...

An, talking about Aje: This is the best cat.
Me: She is.
An: Despite the fact that she seems to be ticking.
Me: Whut. I thought your cat wasn't a machine!
An: Sooo did I.
it's gonna be a glorious day

(no subject)

"I mean, I like the movies better than the books, but that's like saying I like being punched in the face more than I like being punched in the ovaries." - Kris, on Twilight.

Riley or possibly Kris: What would you even do with a Bedazzler?
Austin: Uh, bedazzle?

"Oh my god you guys we could bedazzle a machete my life is complete!" - Austin
it's gonna be a glorious day

(no subject)

Austin: They use them in showbiz a lot.
Riley: Wait, what?
Austin: They use them in showbiz a lot.
An: Okay, 'cause I heard togas.
Austin: That too.
Riley: And I heard Chobits.
Austin: ...okay, that too.

An: There are only nine glads in your ten-glad package.
Austin: Those motherfuckers! They shorted me a glad!

An: I wanna plant stuuuuff!
Austin: Well I have about thirty tulips we can plant.
Riley: But only nine glads.
Austin: Motherfuckerrrrs!

Riley: Did you guys go to Paul's?
Me: Yeah.
Riley: *completely betrayed face*
Me: We can go to Paul's again!

An: I have conquered Mt. Cordy.
Riley: She wouldn't be an ottoman for me but you can conquer her? That's not fair!
Austin: Have you claimed her for Spain?
An: I guess.
Sam: That's silly.

Me: Rileeey.
Riley: What?
Me: I have to bake bread.
Riley: Oh my god. If I could move right now, I would be smoking and putting beer in the fridge.
Austin: You can wheel your chair into the kitchen.
Me: Yeah, you are infinitely more mobile than I in terms of what we can do right now without getting up.

Riley: I'm trapped.
Austin: In that chair? I assure you, you have legs.

"I am a revisceration engineer." - An

"It's like a pigeon inside a pigeon.'s like a turducken..." - Riley

"I'm going to put the guts back into Rave Bear." - me

Austin: We wouldn't want any Khan-related misunderstandings. It would be deeply unfortunate.
Cordy: *licks Austin's pants*
Austin: We don't want any pants-licking misunderstandings!