spiral

isolation

Hi I'm new here and I just wanted to post because I was feeling incredibly depressed and needed to let someone, anyone, know about how I feel. 
I don't know why I have these severe mood swings like I do. Lately I've begun suspecting I have bipolar disorder or something similar to it. There is really no other logical explanation for the way I feel and act, other than that I am totally isolated. 
I have no friends at all and I hate using that term to describe it because it makes it sound like I am some kind of a bad person and I'm not. I just don't (can't) make friends very well. I have mood swings (like I said) and am never really the same way each day. I will change each day and often momently... one minute I am excited, the other, incredibly depressed and crying.
I am like so right now. 
I need someone real bad, but I can never seem to get anyone. No one seems to want to be around me because... god I don't know. I don't make friends well at all! The thing is I don't knnow HOW to make friends. It is easier said than done. Don't think I don't try.  I do, all the time. But people get wrong feelings about me, wrong messages, etc., and I fail. 
I am so sick of being alone.  
It's been this way since I was 13. I am 17 now. I have lost my sense of Self, my emotional stability. I am NOT depressed or anything, just mood-swingey (?). 
I'm sorry for this stupid pathetic post; I just wanted to let it out to someone real. Since I have no one.

.1.

this is my first time on this community...so here it goes.

i got hooked on coke about 2 years ago. i moved in with this amazing girl, or so i thought was amazing at the time, k so i really still think she's amazing. well, she always had coke at home, so she'd pretty much get me lit everyday for free. i didn't think much of it just knew that i didn't really care to be sober. i hated my job, i didn't have any real ambition and i was very lonely. i had no friends really, i moved to the town i live in now with a guy i'd been dating for half a year and basically clung to each other and sex in order to make it through the days. we drank alot, and then fought, drank more, fought more. we thought we were in love.

so i broke up with him and started to be more social. through a guy at work i met a really cool chick sara and she basically was going through the same thing i was. i met summer at one of our "girl's night outs". i guess i didn't have the patience or the self esteem to continue rooming with summer because she was very dramatic and the way she talked about people really got to me. i got paranoid and didn't want her to talk about me, i am so self conscious i wouldn't have been able to live with myself. so during this time i met jayce and he made my heart stop, i fell in love with him since day one. but he wasn't ready for me, and so i continued going out partying with my coke friends and playing dress up and just living it up like i was 16 again.

every time jayce and i would break up i'd go on a coke binge and i even found myself breaking up with him so i could go back to using. i quit my job, i sold all the things i had acquired over the 2 years with the morgan and was free to do whatever i wanted for 6 months. jayce and i continued our off and on again relationships and i kept using...

now i'm trying to stop using at i find it extremely difficult. i get so moody and EXTREMELY depressed. i have tried to end my habit for 6 months now and so far i haven't used in less than 24 hours. i think about it all the time, i want to pull my hair out. i want to cut myself, i want to die at times. but i'm not afraid of anything, it's like my brain's telling me that everything will be fine once i purchase my next $40 bag. no one knows that i'm using, only my dealer and a mutual addict who i don't see on a regular basis, but when i do it's cos we're going to get high. i think it's a problem because of the money i'm spending, i do so much of it my nose gets so stopped up and i feel so much discomfort and pain at times, i do it all the time when i have it; at work, at home, in my car, anytime i am alone i will do it. at work i don't have to interact with people most of the time i'm left alone about 6 hours of my day i'm alone.

i want to stop because i don't like being dependant on a drug, i dont' want to waste, my health is a huge concern for me and i love jayce i dont' want to lose him or him lose me because i couldnt' get a grip on my life and my addiction.

i cant' talk to anyone about it because i dont' want to have to deal with their disappointment, judgement, or their opinions. i will get through this but i have to do it alone. i've always done things alone and i will continue to do things this way. That's the way it's going to stay.

~rm
Roto Heart

Hello again, hello

hi. i'm new here, but old to live journal and old in other ways as well. but not in the "old soul" kind of way. if anything, i'm too young a soul.

things suck. that pretty much sums it up. lots of people dying, a spouse that is too wrapped up in other things to notice, my health isn't great, and i quit my job last year because i just.couldn't.stand.it.any.MORE.

so i sit in my house with my cats and go no where. i think i'm getting acrophobia. is that the right one? with my spouse gone to deal with dying relatives, i've got no real modivation to go anywhere, to get up, to even get dressed.

yeah, today? i woke up at 8:15 after finally going to bed around 4am, awoken by sweat. i kicked off the covers, fed the kitties and turned on the tv. got a call shortly after, the daily "how close is she to death" report. honestly, three major deaths in less than a year? it's quite unfair.

oh, and today is the 15th, tax day. we owe over $9000. and where is that going to come from?

*sigh*

bitch, moan, bitch

and now i've created a new journal, where i can finally be free to be sad, where i can try to drown my sorrows in the laps of men.
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a fucking mouth

Still here

Sorry guys. I've been somewhat absent from the community for a while. Did not mean to neglect. I apologise.

Life for me has been... looking up... somewhat.
Moved into a new less stressful apartment. We've got lots of space. I've made new friends. I stopped the depressive binge drinking. Got a job (that I hate, and takes most of my time). Then, got a fucking great boyfriend in early September. He moved back to Texas about a week or so ago due to, well, lets just say he has things to do there.
It rather sucks. I was pretty goddamn happy for once. Not that fake kind either.
And somehow, I have managed not to drink myself into a drunken stupor everynight since he left. I suppose that means I've... uh... grown... or something. Heh...
Though I am sad to see him go, it's not really the all pervading funk that I've become accustomed to in such circumstances.
This confuses me, though, as I am unsure of whether or not this is a good thing.

Anyway, I'm back, and promise to pay more attention to the community. I may even renovate the design if I've got the time. If you see me slacking, slap me so I can get back on the ball.
Hope everyone else is doing alright, as well.
Your mod god,
AmenhotepIII
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drowning

(no subject)

Lost in silent desperation
i wait for a moment
drenched thoughts mangled in distortion
burning for perfection
unable to see what i've lost
so much promised
nothing gained
flushed down with inspiration
haunted dreams let me repent
of this hollow sin
floating on an empty cloud
drifting away from life
i seek the darkness to sheild
mistakes from sight
seems i dont want to face this
Don't think i could be so strong
You've got me down on my knees
saying prayers to such an apathetic idol
this is what he's made of me
brittle and bruised
shrouded in this decietful parade
gaining momentum decreasing solution
lost in hazy reflection
show me how it all began
if i could see it maybe i could understand
shallow reduction i'm tied to the rail
tormented by myself
'Cogito sum Est'

Rainy Sundays

Hey, yo, how is everybody.

Whatever.

Sundays…
Rainy days, Sundays and days out in town, when combined, have a cumulative taste/feel. The rain has an earthy taste, the day itself is grey and slow – like mercury pooling at the bottom of a cold thermometer.
Days at town feel bewildering and enjoyable – in a strange way.
Yesterday was Sunday.
The skies were grey with ominous clouds…
I had to see off my aunt at the coach-station. She was finally leaving after a one-week long stay, her child screaming her head off during every single day. My dad couldn't even sleep – I watched him come downstairs, all bleary-eyed and stuff and going "stupid bloody out-of-control child". 'Twas rather amusing.
Of course, I would have gone to the cinema with Mona, too, if she hadn't cancelled. She keeps cancelling every time… I know her dad is even stricter than my dad, but really! Every single time? Anyway, thanks to that I was feeling awfully disappointed all Saturday (after a curt phone-call to confirm her already suspected cancellation).
So I decided to go and track this cinema down all by myself. For the first time ever in my entire lifetime, I decided to go to the cinema on my own.
It was rather far away, and I stupidly went on foot. For an hour, I trudged along the road (it was in the morning), into increasingly unfamiliar territory. Since it was Sunday, nobody was around. I think I passed one Little League stadium and one of those HUGE football stadiums and the BT advice/repair centre and a MUSEUM before I had to backtrack. And found that the cinema was the building I had passed before on the assumption that it was a factory (due to the large garbage cans situated in front of it). And there weren't any kind of obvious markers. Only reason I managed to find it was on the basis of a hunch, you know, a "been everywhere else already, it wouldn't hurt to try" kind of feeling.
Turns out that the standard fee for adults is £5.90.
I had £5.30, bus fare and din-din included. (I didn't have the heart to ask for more from my mother – we're still on that 'broke like hell' streak.)
'Still,' I thought to myself while sticking my fingers up at the 6-foot 'ODEON' sign, ''Twas an honourable defeat, and I suppose I got to know the town better.'
So I trudge back to the centre of town again, giggling at the painful humiliation of it all, when this muttering lady stands behind me at the crossing lights. 'Ooh,' thinks I, 'Mad person coming through.' Of course, I can't get rid of the paranoid feeling that she's not in fact insane, but is talking about moi.
Turns out I am right. "'Look at me,'" she mocks, "'I'm so sanctimonious with my black clothes, advertising my religion for everybody else!'"
So, for kicks, I follow her and listen to her muttering for a while.
After a while, I turn to confront her and use the infamous line: "Lady, if you've got a problem, please say so."
So she yells at me for (note: certain distasteful words have been omitted) coming to the country, infiltrating the ranks and taking away her jobs, propagating and advertising my religion, blowing up places and voting for Blair to let more bloody Muslims into the country.
And I'm protesting mildly about it, and telling her there's no reason for such language. Then it strikes me, how weird it is that I've just come back from my trip to the Odeon and am now strolling with a lady who is abusing everything that I stand for. So I start giggling, and then laughing really loudly.
She interprets this as me enjoying causing offence to her and to everybody else. I tell her that I don't enjoy causing offence – I am just enjoying her discomfort.
As she walks away into this park and leaves me behind, she screams foul curses at my religion and at my black skin.
Ironically enough, the park she's entering is called 'The Nelson Mandela' park. Which sends me into screaming fits of laughter.
"LOOK AT YOU," she bawls from the distance, "LOOK AT YOU LAUGHING AND SMIRKING ABOUT IT! YOU ENJOY GETTING ON PEOPLE'S NERVES, DON'T YOU!"
I just walked on and waved at her, bidding farewell and whatnot.
'Twas quite, quite amusing.
I realise that in the past, I would have lost my temper and possible jumped her – and I'm glad that I decided to be grown-up about it.

Hmm. I wonder why nobody seems to like my smirk. I think it's very friendly.

Anyway… I walk back to town, through lonely alleys and empty streets. By now it's raining. I really love rainy days – they make me feel all solemn. The air tastes of old petrol, and something else that feels sharp and metallic.
I stop by Forbidden Planet, and read the fourth volume of Kare First Love, finish it and step out into the rain again. The bag I'm clutching has a copy of 'Ico' in it. That's right – the ultra-rare, ultra-special game 'Ico' that I found in the game-store where I had traded-in most of my old games.
Although I had no money, I did earn store-credit of £40 – which paid for my copy of 'Ico'.

Huh. A day that had started with a promise of nothing but bleak hours turned out to offer quite a few interesting moments. Overall, not a bad day, that Sunday yesterday.

Although, because of road blockages near my house, I had to walk for ten minutes in the rain cause the bus couldn't go there, arriving home soaked to the bone.

*Smiles*
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