I was trying so hard to remember everything, and failing completely.
Not completely, but, it was more like bits and pieces of a puzzle that I didn't know how to put together of a picture that I'd never seen.
I remember green. There was green, and... I had been talking to... someone. Who was I talking to before I woke up? Mentally, I tried to recreate everything about the battle, where everyone had been standing. I was sure that was the key, somehow.
Fred. Maybe? Had I been talking to Fred just before...?
Frowning as I watched Wes and his little gang o' pals all talking, I wondered -- not for the first time -- what had happened to our group. The Scoobies. Me, Will, Xand. Heck, I was just about ready to break out the Scooby Pledge, I was feeling so alone and... unwanted. Un-needed. Everyone had their place here, except for me.
But... wasn't that what I'd always wanted? To just be Buffy and not the Slayer? We had two others besides me here already (alright, one was still questionable), but still. Maybe I could quit. It wasn't like I hadn't done that before. I could quit, I could get back to L.A. and not worry about fighting or evil or anything.
Kennedy could take over. She liked that sort of thing anyway. And me? I could just be with Wes and we could...
But we couldn't... because Wes wouldn't. He'd never give up this life that we had thrust on us, and maybe that was the difference. He was a leader who didn't want to lead, but would. I was a Slayer who had to lead, but didn't want to. That was when it hit me... that I really, really didn't want to.
Even if I gave it all to Kennedy, then what? There would never be a white-picket-fence in my future, not with Wes in my life. So, do I give up the life I've always wanted now that it's within reach, or do I give up Wes? God, we'd actually had this discussion somewhat in reverse ages ago, when he'd come back to the hotel injured. He wouldn't let me go, even when I saw that just being mortal wasn't good enough in this war.
But, here? There wasn't a war. There were others to do my job, and the world would still revolve. Watching Wes talk with Faith made me slightly jealous, too, and I couldn't even say why. Because of Sunnydale? Because she had been his Slayer, too?
I just sat in the corner of the cave, my broken shoes in my hands, cuts and bruises slowly healing... alone.