icefire_lioness (icefire_lioness) wrote in _noiresensus,


» Title: Ladders Make Me Horny
» Author: [icefire_lioness] & [] & [My HPFF Page]
» Fandom: Harry Potter
» Rating: NC-17
» On Going (WIP)/One-off/Series Name: One Shot
» Classification(s): Lemon, Humour, ShortFic
» Warnings: FPS, Language, SLASH
» Pairing(s): Sirius/Remus
» Author's Notes: Cha. This is one I wrote about a month ago. I do so love the puppies. :D

» Summary:
Sirius Black contemplates all the things that turn him on. So far he’s got ladders, calculators, textbooks, chequered shoelaces, and teddy bears called Angus.

Oh yes. And Remus Lupin.

AN: There will be smut. Although I'm pretty sure this is only a one-shot, you might be able to convince me otherwise.


There are a lot of things which turn Sirius Black on. He’s seventeen. Being aroused by strange things kind of comes with the territory.

One day, on a lovely spring morning, as Sirius Black was sitting next to the lake and throwing a snitch to himself, he thought how funny it would be if he were to write down all the things which turned him on.

Little did he know that it would cause a large amount of pain, suffering, and, above all, sexually explicit sentences to form in the following fic. This was because, being Sirius Black, and therefore not omnipotent like myself, he logically couldn’t know this. Even if he had, he probably wouldn’t have done things differently. I don’t think I would have.

So there he was, sitting by the lake, reflecting on all the things which turned him on and writing them down on the last page of one of his textbooks.

So far he had ladders, tomato soup, aprons, Santa hats, whistles, broomsticks, chairs, rulers, calculators, textbooks, chequered shoelaces, and teddy bears called Angus.

After sucking on his quill for a moment, he added ironing boards, cupboards, quills, parchment, desks, windows, bed sheets, bags, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as dessert, ribbed jumpers, forks, wands, trousers, boxers, libraries, couches, tables, music, curtains and small, highly polished doorknobs.

As an afterthought, he also added plugs and Remus Lupin.

He took a moment to look back over his list, laughing as he realised that he was a little horn-bag and quite likely to cause some poor little fan girls to cry pitifully into their pillows for five nights straight if he was ever to die. Which he wouldn’t, anyway, so why are we worrying?

When he got to the end, and saw his friend’s name there, he sucked in a deep breath. Well. That was highly unexpected (it didn’t matter that he had just written it. Sirius Black had the attention span of a poorly trained walnut) and not something that Sirius would ever have thought of as something that his subconscious though of as turn-onorish. Of course, there was always that time, just a week or so ago, when he had had that dream about Remus touching him, an ornery smile on his lips as he lowered his head…and Sirius had woken up wet and sticky, the image refusing to budge.

He pushed the thought to the side as the other Marauders came loping down the hill, the new object of his horny mindedness plonking himself down beside Sirius with all the grace of a flamingo on roller-skates.

“Hey Padfoot,” James, Remus and Peter chorused, grinning at him. Sirius grinned back. Ah, life was fantabulous. You know, apart from that little situation with the...not thinking about that, though.

Remus pulled a piece of parchment out of his bag and started to write something on it, while James lay on his back and Peter picked his nose surreptitiously. Sirius watched Moony moonily (no, the irony wasn’t lost on Sirius, either).

After a moment or so, Remus frowned, and rummaged through his bag. He sighed in annoyance, a small muscle in his jaw twitching. Sirius watched it in surprise, slightly aroused.

“Has anyone got the transfiguration textbook? I really need to do this homework.”

James shot a look at Sirius, which he interpreted as ‘homework? Who does homework when we have all this looking gorgeous to do?’

“Nope,” said James, stretching languorously and causing two Hufflepuff girls who were passing at that exact moment to faint onto the grass. Moony turned to Peter, who shook his head.

Sirius, who had realised that the text book that he had written his List of Things That Make Me Horny; By Sirius Black (no way to get out of that one, he thought with a sinking feeling) was the one that Moony wanted. And that Moony had seen it.

He grabbed the book, holding it to his chest possessively.

“Mine,” he said quickly, before realising how incredibly idiotic that sounded.

“Er…this is a favourite textbook of mine. You…you can’t read it. You’ll…uh, wear out the paper with your fiery gaze of fire.”

Remus raised an eyebrow delicately, gesturing for James to sit up.

“Uh huh? Sounds to me like there’s something in there that you don’t want read. Have you written something rude that I should know about?”

Sirius held the book closer to his chest.

“Er, not exactly.”

“’Not exactly’ sounds to my ears precisely like ‘exactly’,” said Remus, and pounced.

After wrestling the textbook off of Sirius, and sitting on his legs while James sat on his stomach, Remus flipped through the pages until he reached Sirius’ list.

“List of Things That Make Me Horny; By Sirius Black. Yup, that sounds like what you were trying to stop us reading,” said James, reading over Remus’ shoulder.

“Heh, tomato soup. I remember that. Good times,” Sirius Black’s former best friend and the future father of the world’s most famous baby said, a daft grin on his face.

“Chequered shoelaces? Oh yeah, that was fun. Ah…I can’t believe she let me do that. Dum…dumm… Angus!”

James turned to Sirius, looking incredibly distressed.

“What have you done to my teddy bear!?”

Sirius, whose face was currently being sat on by Peter, didn’t say anything.

James muttered something rude, and then Sirius heard Remus gasp and stand up. Presumably he had read on ahead and seen Sirius’ little slip. Which was slightly worrying.

“Glubrh,” Sirius tried to explain, pushing Peter off his face with a strength that would have made superman proud.

Remus was completely white, and he stared at Sirius for a moment, and then turned to the castle, his walk turning to a jog, and then to a sprint. Sirius watched him run up the steps, his textbook banging against his leg, and sighed. This was going to make things awkward.

“What’s up with Moony?” James asked, watching him disappear through the castle doors. Sirius shrugged uncomfortably.

“Uh, no idea. Maybe he was bothered by the fact that small, highly polished doorknobs turn me on.”

James nodded, his lips twitching. “Could be,” he said, not looking at Sirius. “Or it could be that he saw that he turns you on.”

Sirius turned to James, shocked that he had read that far and furious that he hadn’t taken the textbook from Moony before he could read it. But James was on his feet already, a look of wicked unconcern on his face. Peter was flicking his eyes worriedly between them.

“James!” Sirius whined, readying himself to pounce on his friend and beat him to a pulp.

“Well, I just imagined he already knew,” said James innocently, and at the small growl that Sirius let loose, he shot off over the grass, still grinning sinfully.

“I’ll kill you!” Sirius yelled after him as he sprinted after his friend. Lily Evans, who was sitting under a nearby tree with her friends, muttered “please do. And while you’re at it, why not off yourself, too?”

“I can’t believe you, Prongs! You are not my friend!” Sirius bawled, tripping over his feet as he ran up the hill.

James looked over his shoulder, his grin sliding a little as he saw that Sirius was catching up. “I didn’t think he’d read it!” James yelled as he kept running, the ridiculously bad lie not even slowing Sirius down.

Sure you didn’t!” Sirius bellowed, cursing as James vanished through the double doors.

He stood for a moment in the entrance, looking desperately to left and right, wondering where James could have gone. He caught a flash of James’ robes flicking around a door and grinned, sprinting for it.

He cursed as he realised the door had been locked and then, remembering he had a wand, pulled it out. Before he could open the door, however, a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him around.

“What-?” he muttered, and then stopped as he saw Remus, still looking slightly pale, but nevertheless fierce.

“We need to talk, Sirius,” Remus said, and Sirius gulped. Remus was speaking in his ‘don’t fuck with me’ voice, and generally when he aimed it at Sirius, there would be bloodshed. And it wouldn’t be werewolf blood.

“Ok,” he said meekly, following Remus to the Gryffindor tower. When they reached the common room, Sirius saw James in a chair by the fire and went to jump on him, but Remus gave him A Look. Sirius settled for glaring at James, who was trying not to laugh, and followed Remus upstairs to their dormitory, feeling anxious.

“Lock the door,” Remus ordered him, looking terribly fierce. Sirius obeyed and sat down on his bed, wishing that he had never thought of lists as funny. They were so bloody permanent.

“What the hell, Sirius?”

Sirius looked at his hands, thinking it would probably do everyone a great service if he used them to strangle himself right now.

“Why’d you write that? Did you think it would be funny?”

Remus glared at him, his hands on his hips. Sirius tried not to think about the fact that he looked really hot when he was angry.

“Not really,” he mumbled, flicking his eyes up to meet his friend’s, and then back down to his hands again.

“I just don’t get why you would do it, Sirius. It’s like…like you were making fun of me. I told you I was gay in the strictest of confidentiality. Why would you make fun of that?”

Sirius looked at Remus in disbelief. “Make fun of you? What the hell, Moony?”

Remus looked slightly uncomfortable. “Well, I just assumed…”

Sirius frowned, feeling angry. “Do you have that little faith in me? I wouldn’t ever do anything like that.”

“Well, what was it about, then?”

Sirius flushed, the anger sliding out of him in an embarrassed little puddle.

“What do you think?” he said, glaring at the werewolf’s feet. For some reason, even the sight of his dirty shoelaces made him want to shag the other boy. Things were getting out of hand, Sirius thought, holding back a groan as he rested his head in his hands.

“I think you’re mucking around with me, for some reason that I can’t work out yet, and you think it’s funny, but I don’t. Tell me what’s going on, Sirius.”

Sirius looked up with a start, surprised to hear Remus’ voice so close. The brown haired boy was right up close to him, his hands on either side of Sirius’ body, palms flat against the bedspread. His breath blew into Sirius’ face in soft little puffs, and his blue eyes were dark with barely controlled frustration.

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” Sirius muttered, trying to push Remus away as his face heated up.

Remus, who was stronger than Sirius, stayed where he was. “Sirius,” he said warningly, and the other boy sighed in annoyance.

“You really don’t want to know, Remus. I don’t even really want to know. I didn’t know, come to think of it. Stupid list. Stupid subconscious.”

Remus looked confused. “I don’t get it. Are you trying to tell me…?”

Sirius blew another exasperated breath out, stirring Remus’ fringe. He felt his stomach flip treacherously at the sight and he went pink again. He looked down so that he wouldn’t have to see Remus’ face and realised that it hadn’t been a particularly intelligent idea, as he was now eye to pleat with Remus’ crotch. He looked up again, trying to ignore the quiver in his pants, his face on fire.

“I think you should get off me now, Remus.” Sirius said gravely, not looking at his friend. Remus looked puzzled, and didn’t move.

“Are you trying to tell me…?” Remus repeated, shifting a little. Sirius bravely fought the urge to flip him onto the bed and snog him.

“I’m telling you nothing, Remus, apart from the fact that you should get off me.”

“Why?” Remus asked, looking genuinely perplexed. Sirius rolled his eyes, and, not one given to fighting his urges for too long, said in a low voice “because otherwise I’ll do this,” and then, leaning forward, he kissed Remus.

Remus didn’t do anything for a moment, and then he pulled away, looking shocked.

“What the hell, Sirius?” he said now, and Sirius thought ‘that is an extremely overused and ridiculous comment. It doesn’t even mean anything.’

“What the hell, Sirius?” Remus said again, and Sirius thought ‘Jesus, now he’s repeating himself. This is no good.’

Remus wiped his mouth, looking shaken. Sirius tried to think of something that he could say that would make everything better, but all he could come up with was ‘elephants make nice teacups’ and he didn’t really think that it was appropriate to the situation.

“Have you been smoking that stuff we got you for your birthday?” Remus asked, peering into Sirius’ eyes. Sirius swiped him away, feeling irritated. This wasn’t generally the reaction he got to kissing someone. Granted, generally the reaction involved breasts, but still.

“No,” he said, a little too loudly. He crossed his arms over his chest, not looking at his friend.

It was slightly off-putting to have someone ask if you were on drugs after you kissed them. It sort of called into question your technique.

Remus looked at him for a minute, not moving, and then started to pace the room, massaging the back of his neck.

“Are you trying to mess with me, Sirius?” he asked eventually, and Sirius snorted, not looking up.

“Yup. That’s all I’m doing. I can’t believe you didn’t see it earlier. All those years of pretending to be your friend, and then I thought it’d be extra funny to mess with you by pretending to fancy you. Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. What kind of person do you think I am, Remus? You’re my friend.”

Remus pulled a hand through his dishevelled hair, turning on the spot.

“You know that’s not what I mean, Sirius. But honestly, what do you expect me to…wait a minute, you fancy me?”

Sirius looked up to see Remus staring at him, his blue eyes wide.

“Maybe,” said Sirius sullenly, picking at the bedspread. “Yes. Maybe. Perhaps. Yes. Probably. I don’t know. I’m extremely mixed up here, Remus. My kissing technique and friendship has been called into question!”

Remus looked troubled. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, watching Sirius carefully. “You upset me too, though. I don’t really know what’s going on here.”

Sirius snorted. “You think I know? Remus, you’re the smart one. If you don’t know, there’s not a bloody chance in hell that I do.”

Remus sat down next to Sirius. “Er, do you want to talk about it then? We can work it out together.”

He looked worriedly at Sirius, who rolled his eyes.

“Fine, fine. You ask questions, then.”

Remus scratched his nose anxiously.

“Alright. Uh, so, do you like guys?”

Sirius went pink. “I don’t really know. I mean, I still like girls…but…I’re the only…the only…”

Remus nodded weakly. “Ok. So, erm. You fancy me?”

Sirius looked at the floor. “Er, perhaps. I think you’re…”

He gestured helplessly and Remus nodded again, going slightly pink himself.

“So, what do you think?” Sirius asked after a slight pause. Remus coughed and stared at his knees as if they were incredibly interesting.

“Do you fancy me?” Sirius asked hesitantly. Remus looked up at him, biting his lip.

“Do you promise not to use it against me?” he asked earnestly, and Sirius smiled.

“Moony, I think we’ve already had this discussion. I’m your friend…and maybe…”

He let the insinuation hang in the air, an awkward opportunity for the taking.

“Yes, Sirius. Yes, I do fancy you. Quite a bit, actually. And, and…I don’t know if it’s a good idea to do anything about it, because…well, we’re friends, and you’re not even gay!”

Remus looked down at his knees again, his shoulders tense.

“But I still fancy you,” Sirius said in a small voice.

Remus nodded, pulling on his nose mournfully. “Well, I don’t know. Do you, really?”

Sirius thought about it for a moment, and then, trying to think of Remus with anybody else, felt a hot wave of jealousy run over him. And then, of course, there was the image of Remus with his mouth on Sirius, his tongue wet and smooth…Sirius closed his eyes, imagining cold showers in light of not having a real one on hand.

“Erm, yes. I think I really do.”

Remus shook his head, presumably to clear it.

“I don’t know, Pads. You’re…you’re not…”

Sirius put a hand on Remus’ shoulder, turning the other boy to look at him.

“Moony. Can you just shut up for once, and let me kiss you?”

Remus looked at him, his eyes anguished.


“Moony? Can I, please?”

There was a faint note of pleading in Sirius’ voice, and Remus closed his eyes for a moment. Then he nodded, almost to himself, and, licking his lips, looked at Sirius again.

Their eyes locked together, and Sirius shifted forwards, hesitantly.


Remus took a deep breath, and then leant forwards, pressing his lips softly to the dark haired boy’s.

Sirius wondered, for a brief moment, whether or not he was really doing this, and then, feeling Remus draw his lower lip into his mouth, groaned lightly, pushing his hands into the other boy’s hair.

Sirius deepened the kiss, flicking his tongue lightly over Remus’ lips, and then sliding it in when Remus opened his mouth.

Remus slid his hand up Sirius’ arm, cupping the dark haired boy’s chin in his other. Sirius made a small noise of approval and pulled Remus down so that he was lying on his chest as they kissed frantically.

Sirius slipped his hand up Remus’ shirt, hooking his arm around his bare back and pulling him closer.

Remus bit his lip lightly, making him yelp softly into the other boy’s mouth. Then, still kissing him, Sirius flipped Remus onto his back, straddling him so that he couldn’t get away. He pulled away from his friend for a moment, breathing hard.

“How far are you willing to go, Moony?” he whispered, hoping that it would be far enough that it involved an orgasm of some kind. This bloody sexual tension thing was killing him.

“For god’s sake, Sirius, just get on with it,” Remus moaned, his eyes dark as he pulled Sirius back onto him. Although Remus hadn’t exactly been explicit, Sirius, as another seventeen year old boy, knew exactly what he meant and smiled against his mouth.

Then Remus was pulling Sirius’ shirt over his head, and Sirius was returning the favour. They touched each other reverently, still kissing, and then, somehow, their trousers had managed to find their way to the floor.

“Are we really doing this?” Sirius asked, and Remus pulled his boxers off, which Sirius interpreted as a ‘yes’.

Remus shimmied down in between Sirius’ legs, and then he was looking up at Sirius in that way that he had in the dream, and it was all Sirius could do to say “Christ!” his eyes wide.

Moony looked up at him questioningly. “Are you sure, Moony?” Sirius asked, his fists clenched in the sheets. He was painfully hard.

Remus grinned, pushing a lock of hair out of his eyes. “Sirius, I really want to.”

Sirius gestured weakly at Remus. “Fucking hell, Moony. I’m not bloody stopping you.”

Remus grinned again, lowering a hand to Sirius’ cock. “Alright. But you have to watch me, ok?”

Sirius nodded frantically, and watched in awe as Remus stroked his hand slowly along his length. His hips jerked involuntarily, and Moony smiled.

He flicked his tongue out slowly, tasting the tip of Sirius’ cock and grinning as Sirius let out a little cry. He closed his mouth over the head, sucking the other boy with a hard, unfaltering pressure. Sirius fisted his hands in the sheets again, mewling softly as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

When Remus licked his way further up, Sirius gasped, his eyes closing involuntarily. Remus pulled away, grinning mischievously.

Sirius opened his eyes quickly, wondering why he wasn’t continuing.

“Did you want me to stop, Sirius?” Remus asked sweetly, and Sirius shook his head fervently. “Then don’t close your eyes,” he said, his blue eyes flashing impishly.

“I won’t, I won’t!” Sirius said desperately, his hips already straining upwards.

Remus grinned, looking up at Sirius, and the other boy smiled back, though it ended up looking more like a grimace. Remus lowered his head again.

There was silence for a long while, and Sirius watched him the whole time, wondering how he could possibly be so lucky as to deserve Remus. Remus, who was just...everything to Sirius. What on earth had he ever done to deserve him? Was he Ghandi in another life? Mother Theresa? Was she even dead yet? Or had he been Jesus? Yes, thought Sirius, tangling his fingers in Remus' hair. He had definitely been Jesus.

Remus took the full length of Sirius’ cock into his mouth, his tongue laving along it. Sirius put his hands to the other boy’s head, wanting to shove his cock back and forwards in the werewolf’s unbelievable mouth.

Seeming to hear his thoughts, Remus moved his mouth up and down on Sirius’ cock, drawing hard on the tip with his tongue, sucking on the tangy fluid as pre-come seeped from his slit.

And then Remus sucked, long and hard, and Sirius was straining up into Remus’ mouth, stars flashing behind his eyelids, his mouth open as he gasped for breath.

Remus pulled himself up Sirius’ sweaty body and laid his head on the other boy’s shoulder.

“One minute,” said Sirius, trying to catch his breath as he stroked Remus’ hair absent-mindedly, “and then I’m doing that to you.”

Remus grinned and kissed him, and Sirius said happily “actually, I’ve changed my mind. Lists are fabulous.”

Remus yawned, smiling as he ran his hand through Sirius’ dark hair.

“Great. So long as we’re both clear that there will be no threesomes involving ladders or James’ teddy bear.”

Sirius smirked, letting his hand wander down to Remus' cock.

“Alright. What about handcuffs?”

Remus gasped, burying his head in Sirius’ neck.

“Erm. I’m sure we could arrange something.”


AN: Before I forget, I stole the 'watch me' part of the fic from remuslives23's smashing RL/SB smut-fest (chaptered) 'mistletoe'. I hope you don't mind, Julie! It was just so perfect!

Everybody, please review! I don't think I need to tell you again! Or DO I? *glomp*


Tags: author: icefire_lioness, author: majaruby2, fic: harry potter, pairing: sirius black/remus lupin

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