its not I can't..       its I'm struggling....      a simple whisper from your voice and i fade      away.
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I only want someone to listen...
?
I only want someone to listen... [entries|friends|calendar]
_mystruggle

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(<3)

[05 May 2005|02:25pm]

_dont_forget
420_stoner_st

(4 my hearts been broken |<3)

sorry for cross posting, but I seriously need help [07 Mar 2005|09:37pm]
keep0nrunnin
Hi there, I'm new to the community and I thought I would post here, seeing as many of you are probably the only ones I feel I can turn to about this

I need to lose weight. And seriously. Everyday I look in the mirror and am completely disgusted with myself and I tell myself "Okay. Today, I will be strong. Today I can control myself. Today I'll fast" but the same thing always happens. I'll give in and tell myself, okay, just one meal.

Soon I eat another meal and I fell completely disgusted with myself. And the next day it happens again.

(Un)fortunately for me, I have an unusually strong stomach so I can handle certain types of food without throwing up. If you drink, this is a plus, but when it comes to purging---I find myself unable to. I've tried so many times to throw up and have failed each time. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

Please, I hate my body right now. If anybody has any tips to help me out, it would be much appriciated. And also, how to go about a semi-long term fast (a few days or so.) I'm not really new at this, just bad at it, and I'm willing to try so hard.

Thanks in advance
--L.

(7 my hearts been broken |<3)

[01 Mar 2005|08:13pm]
cowgirlxup

questions that need answering!!!!Collapse )

 

thanks for whatever answer you can give me!

sorry, i don't post much, so when i finally do, i really lay the questions on ya!!

<3 stay strong my lovelies!!!

(<3)

quick question [15 Feb 2005|05:43pm]
cowgirlxup
if you've gained weight and you begin to lose it again, will you first lose it from the last place you gained it?

just wondering, comment please!

(2 my hearts been broken |<3)

[03 Feb 2005|06:32pm]

rachette
Ahhh i've found it at last.. Sorry jaz for using your post like that. Was unfeeling and stupid of me. Many apologies.

Hiya guys. I'm rach and i'm sixteen on Monday. I'm from the UK and dont really know what else to tell you about me. I'm not really that interesting. Read my journal if you are interested at all heh.. Somehow found my way to this site and like the way its easy for people to open up and talk how they want about cutting. I've never really found it easy, but all this cyber shit and not having to really face anyone makes it easier.
Used to cut myself when i was about twelve, thirteen.. Started off as an attention seeking prank, and got really out of control and i started to rely on it, until i found cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. I managed to keep off it for about two and a half years, and whenever i felt strained or pressured and felt like i needed to release, i would stop myself from cutting and tell myself it was a bad idea.
Until a few weeks ago. Stuff has built up and built up ontop of me like a huge brick wall, suffocating my thoughts and unabling me to be the social person i normally was. I started retreating and not talking to my friends so much, and getting really depressed. Decided to steal a stanely knife from textiles department at school, and slashed my arms into ribbons of crimson. I'd forgotten the rush of adrenaline and the liberation you feel. Now, i look down at my arms and they're just a mess of deep red llines and open wounds, seeping with blood. When i'm alone and doing it makes me feel good, rids me of my pains and sorrows. But when i am at school and i roll up my sleeves, i cant because i am ashamed. I dont want my friends to know that i've gone back to my old ways. People will just think im attention seeking again. Getting pissed and doing drugs doesnt have the same releasing effect as it used to at the start. Now cutting has helped me again.
Now i realise i have to stop before it spirals out of control again though. Shredding my limbs to peices isnt going to solve anything, even if it does help for a while.
Dont really know why ive told this, or if anyone is even going to bother to read it. Just felt like letting some of the shit out.
Much thanks for listening (well, reading) if you have.

(7 my hearts been broken |<3)

[20 Nov 2004|08:52pm]

coldandlonly
well im still here but im barly breathing i cut my self really bad near my vains but i missed one! i really wanted to die tonight i really did and i feel so bad for making u all worry about me and im greatful that u ALL CARE ABOUT ME even ppl iv never even talked to before!! and im still feeling like shit and depressed but idk if im ganna be better all so soon!! : ( but thats life for u! i cut like 15x and i still want to more but i just dont know if i should but knowing me im ganna well just infoming u all that im alive but barly breathing!

(1 my hearts been broken |<3)

im srry [20 Nov 2004|03:22pm]

coldandlonly
[ mood | GOODBYE ]

i love u all jen,tiffs,asia every one im srry to hurt so many of u i cant live anymore i must leave the razor already hit the skin already the blood is seeping already! i didnt hit a vain yet but its only the beging now. im srry im leaving im srry for those i could not help and for those i tried and they tired to help me to!! at first i thought i was fine at first i was in love in love with everyone even myself now its nothing its all crumbuling down and im just falling with it im on the floor crying watching the tears hit the floor watching my pain slowly swift away now if i could only go there to but im scared and alone im afriad to leave with out saying this!!

GOOD BYE I LOVED AND LOVE U ALL NOW NEVER FORGET ABOUT ME THE STUPID BITCH WHO NEVER WAS FINE!

 

(1 my hearts been broken |<3)

why shuold i wait for u to take my life? [20 Nov 2004|08:38am]

coldandlonly
i sit waiting for this world to end,
i sit wondering why life is so crule,
why should we all suffer in such pain,
why should we have to put up with it?,
is he getting back at us.
are our inperfections and flaws a problem?

we are so beautiful,
we are so alone,
we feel nothing but suffering and pain,
we turn to the hands of death to take it all away,
to take our lives and make us gone,
take us out of this world.

crappy i no i dont kno how or why i come up with this shit

(<3)

hey [15 Nov 2004|08:32am]

coldandlonly
[ mood | blank ]

hi im new in this community obviosly but um idk!

my names ashley im 16 and iv been cutting my self since 8th grade and its been like 3yrs now that iv been doing its my way of relive of my emotions and what not and i hope i came to the right place to talk about it!??

(1 my hearts been broken |<3)

[11 Aug 2004|08:58pm]

raining_tears13
[ mood | confused ]

You said to post about myself so I will, sort of.

My name is Brett Quinn and I am 13 years old, to young to be expierencing things that would make me want to cut. That isnt true..... I havn't been cutting for long. 4 months but 3 of those months it was on and off. I would stop and and then start again. Recently I started cutting again, not serious but a little and I dont know why. My life is fine, I have a wonderful boyfriend and I am not spoiled but I get what I need and occasionly what I want.
The only thing I can see causing it was the fact that was when I started cutting I was under alot of pressure and depressed alot. For one my parents were pressuring to do really good for the end of school, I had lots of work in school. My boyfriend broke up with me and I really loved him and then he started hating me and saying all this shit about me. But if all that is over now then why do I still cut and why cant I stop.
For one I dont want to stop, it seems to be my escape from the world, like when the blade touches my skin everything is fine and perfect. The thing is I still get depressed and school is starting again and more pressure and then my ex will be back in my life and now I have a much better boyfriend but who can forget there first kiss, thier first kiss especialy when he broke your heart to peices. I dont know I am just rambling on and I just need someone to point in the right direction and give me that extra shove. No one but my boyfriend and my friend jonathon know about the cutting and jonathon thought i stopped already. I dont want him to worry more but he is the only one who is there for me at school. My boyfriend goes to a different school and I need support. Also my best friend doesnt go to the same school as me. It seems that all the people I really love are scattered. I love all my friends of course but none of them know about this problem, I really dont know wat to do. If anyone can point me in the right direction and give me an extra push tell me how or what i just need to know because i dont think i am in control of my life anymore.

(<3)

[09 Aug 2004|02:22pm]

nessiemarie
Hello, my name is Vanessa I'm 21 and I've been cutting since I was 15.

I have been cut-free for like 3 months now, but something really bad has happened. I dated this guy for 5 1/2 years. The relationship started out really well and for 3 years I was really happy. We decided to go to college together and spent a lot of time together. Well, last year around March I found out that he had been cheating on me with another girl. I was devistated. About the same time he had become very emotionally abusive. He would make fun of my cutting and show little to no support. When I found out about this other girl I dumped him, but he begged me to be with him and said that he would never cheat on me again. So, like a fool, I believed him and took him back.

After that first year of college he decided to swich schools and now goes to West Point. The first year he was there was really bad. I would send him stuff, care packages, letters, cards, but he always acted like I was bothering him. HE would call me names and when I would get upset, he would just be like "go cut yourself, you're good at that"

so finally about a month ago, I said that I wanted to break up because I was sick of the abuse. We said that we would work on our relationship, but that it wouldn't be final. I found out yesterday that he's been dating another girl for about 4 months now. This girl thought that we had been broken up for a long time. In fact she didn't even know that we dated over 5 years.

Right now I'm devistated. I just moved out to Arizona, I have no friends here and am so alone. All I want to do is cut myself. I am even thinking about suicide. Please help me. I desperately need someone to talk to. Someone who understands...

(<3)

[09 Aug 2004|02:16pm]

nessiemarie
[ mood | depressed ]

Hello, my name is Vanessa I'm 21 and I've been cutting since I was 15.

I have been cut-free for like 3 months now, but something really bad has happened. I dated this guy for 5 1/2 years. The relationship started out really well and for 3 years I was really happy. We decided to go to college together and spent a lot of time together. Well, last year around March I found out that he had been cheating on me with another girl. I was devistated. About the same time he had become very emotionally abusive. He would make fun of my cutting and show little to no support. When I found out about this other girl I dumped him, but he begged me to be with him and said that he would never cheat on me again. So, like a fool, I believed him and took him back.

After that first year of college he decided to swich schools and now goes to West Point. The first year he was there was really bad. I would send him stuff, care packages, letters, cards, but he always acted like I was bothering him. HE would call me names and when I would get upset, he would just be like "go cut yourself, you're good at that"

so finally about a month ago, I said that I wanted to break up because I was sick of the abuse. We said that we would work on our relationship, but that it wouldn't be final. I found out yesterday that he's been dating another girl for about 4 months now. This girl thought that we had been broken up for a long time. In fact she didn't even know that we dated over 5 years.

Right now I'm devistated. I just moved out to Arizona, I have no friends here and am so alone. All I want to do is cut myself. I am even thinking about suicide. Please help me. I desperately need someone to talk to. Someone who understands...

(<3)

[14 Jul 2004|01:48pm]

tearsofblood__
hey im samantha im going to be a sophmore in highschool. i live in michigan. i have been feeling very depressed for this past yr, on and off. i cut i have been for at least 5 months now, n trying to stop. :/ if u want to kno ne thing e lse ur welcome to ask.

</3 Samantha

(3 my hearts been broken |<3)

[21 Jun 2004|03:49pm]

jennay2



hey this is a community for family and relationship abuse mainly, but is not limited to just that. i started this community because i myself was abused by my father for 16 years. he's in jail now for 218 years, and is never coming out, and i'm finishing up therepy. i think its going to be a great support group. right now its friends only. you must join in order to read the entries. this is to protect the writers, and the readers. anyone is able to join, so i invite you to come and see what its all about.

(<3)

long time no update [22 May 2004|03:20pm]

xdelicate
[ mood | nauseated ]

Sorry for the lack of updating. I was giving up on a lot of things lately but I am back now.

welcome to the community andreajanine !!! = )

Well, for the most part things have been okay. I gave up on lessons with Dan because of the post he made in his journal about me. Then I learned last night it was his friend who had posted that and thats why the post got deleted two days later when Dan found out. I am going to get guitar lessons from him again on Monday, as well as with Super Dan. So two hot dans plus 1 shelley = awesome shit. heehee.

well aside from having a small anxiety attack, and totally flipping myself out about nobody being there to talk to to help me not cut, I'm doing pretty okay today.

bye!

-Shell

(<3)

[22 May 2004|03:42pm]

andreajanine
hey. Im Andrea and I'm from Boston..I've had a couple panic attacks before, and I must say that they are the *SCARIEST* thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's mostly during the winter time, and they are triggered by scary stuff on the news, scary movies ect. Im terrified of death and dying. I have never suffered a loss from a friend or family member so I consider myself to be extremely lucky although, Im not prepared for when it will happen and i dont know what i will feel and if it will give me more panic attacks which will lead me to some place i dont want to be. (God forbidd) and it terrifies me. I hate thinking about stuff like that.

(<3)

[08 May 2004|08:21am]

fucklovingyou
[ mood | bored ]

heres my distarctionCollapse )

(<3)

[07 May 2004|11:06am]

fucklovingyou
[ mood | depressed ]

well heres my update for now

for awhile i was good and i found a way to distract myself from my cutting but then i got all stressed last nite and i dont even remember why i got so stressed but i cut right in front of where my elbow bends or whatever. know what i mean? and anyways my best friend today at school came down the hall with her boyfriend and he walked up beside me and lifted up my wrist band and it kinda burned when it moved and i said OWWWW and jerked my arm away and then he looked at her and says "i was right" and she goes "about what" him " about what we talked about" and she walks over to me and lifts up my wristband and gives me that ashamed look and i just wanted to die
i wanted to die
crawl into a little corner shrivel up and die

and then we were sitting in chorus and we couldnt leave so me and her were sitting in the back of the classroom in the back corner by the door and i gave another friend my wristband because he was losing in strip poker and i was trying so hard to hide them so hard
then we went back to her seat in the front and she says "i just want to see them" and she looks and i look away because i cant look at her when she looks at me like that
it hurts so bad to see her look at me like that

but when her and her boyfriend had walked down there (he cuts too) and she kept saying that it doesnt solve anything pver and over again and i kept saying well how do you know?
she never has cut herself and i hope she never does because i dont want her to start with it because its not good but for me its the only release i can get from everything
that and my music is my only release
i cant go anywhere
i cant do anything
i cant see anybody

its just horrible




but i hated it when she said my name like that
have any of you ever had someone say your name to you and the way they say it its just like they are trying to say that they are ashamed but they love you still no matter what?
thats how she said it
and it broke my heart to hear that from her
just in her saying my name
it hurt soooooooooooo bad



well i cant type anymore before i get in trouble

i would post a picture of my "distraction" from a couple days ago but i dont know how to do download a picture on here so oh well

its a black and purple butterfly on the upper part on the inside of my wrist near my elbow (just to give you an idea)

(<3)

[07 May 2004|07:11pm]

xdelicate
[ mood | geeky ]

well guys... I wish you would update. It makes me kind of sad that my poor little community isn't doing so well. But what can I expect? It is only my first community. Can't expect a big turnout the first time around, 'eh? For the time being, I will post though. = ]

I can play the song "big balls" on my guitar. Haha. Its great. I love AC/DC.

Tomorrow night at church I get to sing. Wo0t. Talent Show ness... "Coffee House Jam." Teehee.  Well yeah and I'm the MC/Host for it too. Its kinda cool. Yeah

Okay I'm done. (post guys, please?)

-Shell

(1 my hearts been broken |<3)

excited like whoa [02 May 2004|09:24pm]

xdelicate
[ mood | excited ]

whoa guys! sorry for the lack of updating or anything. I'm so glad ya'll joined. Life has been okay I guess. I mean, what can ya say. Life is life, man. = ) but yeah anyways. Today was awesome. First official band practice today. It fuckin rocked. It was cool beyond beleif you have no idea. Whoa. We got there and things went slow for a little bit. Took a bit for our drummer to play something for us, b/c she's never played for anybody but her teacher. Taught Mari some of the basics that I had learned. (THANK YOU STEEVO AND DAN!!!) lol and then we just started messin around and we created some cool tunes! (which I can actually Tab out, thanks again to Steevo and Dan) ha. and yeah it just rocked.

but... if I had such a wonderful day...why do I still feel like cutting? hmm.

anyways! happier thoughts. my fingers hurt, which is only a happy thought because it means I was practicing good and people are gonna be so proud of me!! LOL. Mayra and I are bringing our guitars tomorrow to add together some stuff we modified after the practice and yeah. Now our band meets every sunday from 1:30 to 5:00 it rocks. woot. okay enough of that.

again. THANKS FOR JOINING EVERYONE! Muchos loves. BYE!

-Shell

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