Yesterday was interesting. I told Darren about the events that took place and now, as it stands, he is part of this community. Of course this struck some fear into me. I've said some nice things, but I've said some mean things, too. I don't want him reading some of the things I said, as I'm sure a lot of you wouldn't want your spouse reading some of the things you've said. He started to scroll down and I said, "Uhh, Darren? Can I tell you something?"
"Yes." he said.
"I said some...things..."
I was getting really nervous. I didn't want him to get upset with me. I mentioned how I called him a dick. No, I didn't tell this community he was a dick, but it was a thought I had in my mind at the moment. I didn't want to continue with the conversation because I was at a loss for words. "Can we go now?" I asked. We were going to a little restaurant here in town, and I figured maybe then I could explain some things to him.
"You know how you tell Zach everything?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, "but I wouldn't call you a bi..."
"No, not about me." I said.
He then went on to say he hasn't shared his feelings with Zach in a long time, and he would never call me a bitch or anything. So right there he's assuming I've been calling him an asshole, and a dick. I told Darren it is never my intention to make him look bad. I tried to explain, to the best of my ability, that when I post to this community some of you women shed some light on the situation and remind me to look at the positive things. And by being here I realize I am not alone in my feelings, which has been extremely comforting. I told him I wasn't going to talk to his mother about these things. I felt, and still feel, like I got nowhere. I know he's hurting, and it's because of me. He says he didn't go searching for my posts in here, but part of me feels like he read something I didn't want him to. I have times that I vent, and then I cool down.
Tell me, honestly, do you think I've made my husband look like a horrible man? I don't think I have. We're still fairly new at this, especially since we're new parents. He makes mistakes, and so do I. I love PRAISING him more than anything. And when I look at the quote above I think, If he has read anything, I hope he has forgiven me.
We talked about a few more things. One big issue being communication. I told him about how I vented about the silly fish stick situation, and how I didn't understand how he didn't know what I wanted help with. And I guess I should have mentioned, YES! We have potholders, but they aren't so thick, so heat travels fast. I've always been afraid of getting burned, so I get scared with ovens and stoves. Finally Darren admitted, "I saw that the oven door was open, but when I asked you what you needed help with you didn't tell me. Sometimes guys want the women to learn things on their own. You have to be quick." When he says quick he's talking about being quick removing things from the oven. He wants me to get over this fear, which is completely understandable. He also said, "Husbands' are 'stupid' because the wives do not communicate. They expect us to know, but we don't." And I've known this for a long time. However, it's easy to get wrapped up in the idea that, "If it's clear to me, it should be clear to him!" But...it's just not. They need to be told, sometimes step by step. That can be hard to swallow, and it can be really annoying, too. I know I could be communicating better, but sometimes I wish he just KNEW. This is something I (and a lot of us here) need to work on. The men don't know, so speak up. And when you do, it better be every single thought, because if it's not every single thought something will get lost in translation, you know what I mean?
I've been blessed with this man, my husband. I get help around the house, and I had it even before Landon came along. I sometimes feel guilty because he gets a lot more done than I do, even when he comes home from a long day. I haven't been doing my part well. I could be doing a lot better. I have a job, and that is to be his wife, and to be Landon's mother. This computer has been a source of problems in our relationship. My first priority should be to get something done around here, and THEN have my computer time. Actually, our first priority is our relationship with God, which we also discussed. It's God, then each other. That's a whole different story right there in itself, but I know some of you here understand.
When Darren came to bed last night I actually prayed for him out loud...for the first time. We want to get into this, we NEED to. Read His word together, pray together, and pray for our son together. It shouldn't be a big deal, but we've been in a struggle with this. It's finally starting to come together. Please God--he made us one. So many things have been taken for granted here. It needs to stop. We've both been a bit lazy and out of touch. Now it's time to redirect our lives and do what we know we should be doing. Forgive each other, yes. It's something we'll always be doing...unless we give up. And that's not an option.