me blue

(no subject)

i'm falling apart.
i am a sort of survivor of childhood molestation. i say i'm sort of a survivor because i'm only hanging on by a thread.

i've been in therapy since i was 7. i'm 28 so its been over 20 years of therapy.
i believe that my family knows who raped me as a child. i'm pretty sure it was a family member and that my family is hiding this secret from me in order to protect the abuser.
this hurts me so much and it is destroying my life.

for about a year now i have been having flashbacks that are so severe i feel like the attacks are happening all over again.

the truth is that i am afraid to find out who it was who did this to me. i have a suspicion but i don't want to be right about it. If it turns out to have been him, my life is what i've always feared it is, a big mess of lies and blame put on me to protect the abuser.  but it would explain why i am the way i am, why i run from love and i destroy it by being unable to trust.

i dont feel like i've ever been able to trust anyone, except my ex wife.
thats why i'm feeling so bad right now. I miss her, and i recently pushed her away by saying some things i cannot take back.

my wife left in september. she said it was because she was always afraid i was gonna die of an overdose on alcohol and drugs. i did almost die of that a few times.  and i couldnt have sex with her either. i mean, i did sometimes, but she needed more and she needed me to be there for the sex.. i would be there physically, but emotionally i was far far away.
i freak out at anything sexual... i was okay when we were first together, but something set me off and i started using drugs and drinking more often to numb the pain, and my mental health fell apart after a while . between from the substances and my flashbacks.

i did a lot of fucked up things in our relationship and not a second goes by that i dont regret those things, but most of what i did was done to protect myself. My wife was a wonderful person but she was fucked up too and she was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and most of the crappy stuff i did was to protect myself from her hurting me too much.

the problem was i could never say to her "you are hurting me"... maybe because when i said that to the people who supposedly loved me as a kid, they would hurt me more... i was physically abused a lot as a kid, hit, burned, dragged around by my hair, etc.. and there were certain things my wife did that reminded me of my main physical abuser.
i have some issues with my physical abuse because i am a trans guy, and i'm trying to learn how to be a man, and i feel like i should not be hurt over the things my mother did to me. i'm embarrassed and ashamed.

anyway, in October i overdosed on my meds and my landlord found me 1/2 dead in my apartment and i've been trying hard to stay out of the psych ward and to not kill myself, but the holidays were so special to my wife and i, and i feel more lonely than i ever have... and every second of the day i feel like i'm holding on for dear life... every second for months now and i'm really tired of holding on, and i dont have very much support. even my friends dont feel genuinely supportive. i feel like they are saying "yeah, we know its hard for you but you're the one who fucked everything up."
and i did ruin a lot of things but i feel like people are siding with her and i've lost everyone, and i keep on fucking up because i'm so overemotional that everything i do and say is out of pain and i hardly have anything left to feel happy about.

i'm torn up inside and i dont know how much longer i can hang on... cuz i dont even think anything or anyone is gonna help me, and i cant do it alone anymore.
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    crazy on you- heart

ѕιη¢є;

reading that last comment really made me think. but since i read it it's been two whole days without hurting myself. it's amazing. it's taking all my energy to resist but i think it's worth it. i hope i can keep resisting :)
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    house of wolves - my chemical romance

does anyone know what i should do?

ive been cutting now for three years. since i was 13. in the last year i started burning too. im doing it everyday, sometimes more than once a day.its sooo addicting, i cant seem to stop no matter what. ive stopped for almost three months awhile back when i was in the hospital for trying to commit suicide twice. i lock myself in my room and cut away at my body with razors, knives and broken glass. i burn myself with lighters and when i smoke i burn myself too. i think i have an addiction to pills too because after i cut or burn myself i take so many pills i throw up and fall asleep for long periods of time.i really dont know what to do to get out of this cycle im in.ive tried going to counciling but i dont think its working. if anyone can help me or has any advice on what to do or just a comment, please comment.
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    my chemical romance

problem

I have dealt with depression/anxiety/panic disorders since I was 10. I am scared because I dont know how to deal with my anxiety problems when my wife has our baby. Panic attacks have gotten worse in the past year. I seem to get anxiety when I drive in particular. I hyperventilate myself to the point where my brain is just racing and my arms and face get tingly. I get so scared I usually pull over and my breaths are all shaky.

I have always just dealt with my disorder before, but now it is hard. It has taken over my life. I was at a point little less than a month ago where I couldnt even function. I have gotten a little better since then. I also have moved to a new place. Usually I hate change, and while I am not that happy where I am at, I have had the time to relax and take it easy. My social anxiety is not as bad as it used to be. I moved to a small town in south carolina with my wife and that is a big change from where I used to live in Hollywood, ca. I do miss it, but I think that this is a better place to live in for me.

So do any of my problems sound familiar to you? It is really good to talk about this to somone who knows what I am dealing with. My wife has a real hard time understanding and gets really frustrated with me. I am not working at the moment and that is because these problems are holding me back. I have set up an appointment to see a doctor so at least I am making progress. I have just dealt with this my whole life and never gotten any serious help. I wish I could find a way to make her understand. She tells me I need to just grow up and I dont have the "luxury" to have a panic dosorder. I tell her that I wish it was a luxury because it flat out sucks!

One question I have is if you have kids, how do you deal with your problems and raise kids. Because I am afraid that I am just going to be a burden to my child when its born and I guess that is what scares me the most. I want to be able to be a normal father. And if I am not working or unable to drive, then I dont know what to do. I dont want to put my child in any danger if I have a panic attack on the road.

h!

well im kinda new to this thing so i thought i share
*depression*
i always think its always me who has the problems but maybe thats just sort of a normal feeling
life hasnt brought me its advantages yet dont rele know who i rele am thats what i trying to figure out
-missing persons report-
thats always how i feel
alone no1 to talk to never had someone feel the same way
-im nothing to feel sorry for-
im always told im never happy
you tell someone how u rele feel n get shot down
no1 understands anything that im going through
-maybe i dont want to get over it-
im so use to the way i feel
-i rather be this way-
knowing that im not like anyone else around me makes me feel like a better person knowing that im not one of them
i think clearly and always ready for what comes next
-everyone is fake to me-
everyone around me or part of my life....
think im crazy but there the ones that are rele crazy

ever feel like everyone is here to put u down ?

i feel like that 24/7

i believe in living my dreams everything i ever dream about will come true
but as for now im living this nightmare

(no subject)

i don't know if any time ever is great, but this moment is far from it. i want to down 50 tylenols. it is such an easy out. i honestly don't think i want to die. i just want to get close to it. it isn't very logical, but i want to go to the extremes and still be around tomorrow. death is too permanent, but it is so desireable. i don't think i will tonight, but i keep fearing that i will. i have had my own history, experiences that would have been nice to avoid. i don't feel badly about them though, not really. i have it better than many people, but i am nevertheless ungrateful. i don't deserve a life when someone else could make such good use of it. if i can get through the night, i will have made it to another day. i want that next day, i just don't want the pain that comes with it.
~Eli

(no subject)

I havent posted before so ill introduce myself i am married with four kids i am married to an alcoholic and sometimes i wish i wasnt here anymore,i try to think of reasons for living and find it hard.I live for my kids at the moment,i also suffer from ed and have done for a long time.Well as you can see nothing too excitig to say about me.
Elegant Insanity

"Is someone getting the best/the best of you?"

*waves* Hi...again. Here I am, proving my title of "hardly-ever-posting-gal" by making my very rare post. But I'm in pain tonight, and I don't even know why, really. I was doing just fine, most of the day, hell, most of the week.

No matter what I do, I'm still here living in this goddamned house. Living with this woman who proceeds rise to levels I've never known.

I suppose it's also my mother's drunken rants about how much she loved me, how proud she was of me and how happy she was. And then she'd fill up her wine glass, decide she was suddenly angry, and use her oh-so experienced sharp tongue to crash me back down again.

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I'm hurting, a lot. I'm pretty sure I'll be okay, relatively sure. Writing helps. It vents. I also have been drawing like crazy lately. A lot of Harry Potter stuff. It's nice to draw. I appreciate these communities that let me do it, when I need it, and I appreciate anyone who reads and/or comments. You all rock so hard.

x-posted a lot.
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    Loreena McKennitt