August 30th, 2008

sad

Bleh....

Wow its been a really long time since I last posted here. But yea apparently I'm still alive and what not despite nothing has really changed for the better. I still hate myself but I think the only thing keeping me as live right now is that I like a good story. Life is a story to me and I wanna know how it ends. A premature ending is just so bleh even though it can be really appealing.

I've been getting alot of help from my sister and her boyfriend alot but I still feel completely on my own about alot of things like how I should deals with other people and my relationships. Like my current situation.

I dont know how but somehow I got a boyfriend hes nice and everything but my feeling are just like void even though I enjoy his company alot compared to being alone most of the time. But I'm still not happy or in any way happier.

Recently one of my friends that I had tried to be with admitted that he had feelings for me and maybe even loved me. This may sound nice and all but when he told me this I'm pretty sure I was miserable because the last person I believed loved me was lying to themselves and believed that lie. So when they realized it literally nearly killed me. So its hard for me to want to believe anyone because of that, my low expectations and low self esteem.

Plus the idea of believing that my friend does have feelings scares me more because the feelings are mutual. Even if I were to believe theres not much I can do because I'm with someone and I dont want to hurt them especially this early into the relationship and when theres nothing wrong between us. This is one of those time where I would oftenly say I wish I was alone and didnt have to worry about whether or not someone is being honest about their feelings and If i can or want to be with them.

After my friend and I talked about it I could help but crawl into a little ball and cry because it makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I dont know what to do.
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    apathetic apathetic