December 28th, 2007

sad

Hateful Revelation

Hi my name is Selena Rodney and I hate myself.

I hate myself with a great passion and wouldn't mind killing myself just to get myself out of my way. This revelation of myself isn't in anyway new. To be honest I've hated myself since I was 12 years old I think. Either I give myself a new reason or other people just help me add to the list of reasons to hate myself. Its freaking awesome.

The more I think about it the more cold and distant I become. Ok so on to why I hate myself:

1. i truly believe I'm the most useless thing on this earth. I don't care what other people say when they say I'm not useless because that just how I've always felt my entire life. I cant seem to do anything right and when I try to do the best I can it either backfires or blows up in my face.

2. I find it really hard to be content with myself. Despite my efforts I cant seem to please myself or reach my own standards which leads to the next reason.

3. I feel like a failure. I guess this is almost like the first reason but whatever. Either way I do feel like a failure because despite some accomplishments I'm still not content.

4. I feel like a complete outcast. Theres always a feeling of feeling out of place and not fitting in. Even among outcasts I feel like an outcast. This is because I tend to feel incapable to connect or create a bond with someone or anyone in general. Yea there will be something in common but its not enough to create the bond I want or need. I might feel a bond with another person but I find it highly doubtful they ever feel the same. This feeling tends to abuse me often and I dont know how to take care of it. I can deal with it by just cutting off all emotion and bonds to people but that doesnt help much. I need people at some point...

5. who could possibly like/love me? I doubt anyone would or can. Which is why I'm beginning to think I'de be better off alone not hoping for anything. Yea that sounds dumb and when I read this in the future it might sound dumb too but my mind is going so crazy that its hard not to think that way. Yea, some people say they do but I'm either doubting them or wondering why the hell they would. If I cant even love myself its hard to expect others to do so.

In this one month my self hatred and desire to find a dark corner to slit my wrists in and bleed to death has gone really high. I just want to bleed to death on the floor that way I would have some time to look back and then die satisfied or I just want to hurt myself....either one is good with me. As tempting as the idea is I refusing to do so. Just for the record its not my physical self or my life that I hate, its just me.


Oky doky....I'm tired now and I think thats all I have to say...for now at least.
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