April 24th, 2007

What am I doing???

Wow...where do I begin??? From the beginning my friend tells me...LOL...Anywho...I'm a 28-year old single mother of a beautiful 6-year old little boy that I have had no communication with for 10 months now! I don't know how I'm even alive and functioning anymore! So I guess that you are all probably wondering why I haven't seen or even talked to my son huh? Well...here's my story. I was never married to my son's father, but after becoming parents, my son's father decided that he wasn't cut out for fatherhood. Not only was he verbally and emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive towards me also. His father is a cop and he always threatened that if I ever left him, though, his father would help him get custody of our child and they would make sure that I never saw my son again. Fearing losing my son, I put up with all the bullshit until finally this jackass kicked me out and told me to take my son. He had moved on and didn't want any responsibility at all. But my stupid ass took him to court and made it so that he HAD to take his son every other weekend...I thought that I was doing the right thing. Well...needless to say, from day 1...his girlfriend didn't want him to have any means of contact with me, but oh well right? I had his child...LOL. So for 2 years, there was nothing but hostility between me, my son's father and his girlfriend (mostly with the girlfriend). She was always criticizing that I never took care of my baby...she said that I always put "rags" on my son. She felt that my 2-year old (at the time) should be wearing Baby Gap and Old Navy...I didn't see why I should buy my son clothes that expensive for him to just wear it one time and then he'd be too big to wear it again. Now...I took VERY good care of my son. He was never dressed bad. What you would dress your 2-year old in is what mine looked like....A 2-YEAR OLD!!! This kind of crap went on for 2 whole years!!!! Then finally, I started inviting the girlfriend over and tried to get a little close...again...I thought I was doing right by my son. Boy did that kick me right in the ass!!!! Anywho...they decided to get married...good...I was happy for them. Well, from the time that they got married until everything happened in my life, this chick constantly told my son that I hated him and that I didn't love him (believe me...the list can go on)!  I mean...she was desperate to get me out of my son's life!!!! Well, him being 5 by this time, he started acting out and now was becoming agressive in his preschool. I mean, this nutty chick drove him to actaully knock another child on the ground and literally stomp on this child's face!!! My 5-year old (at the time) got suspended from preschool!!! Meanwhile, I'm sweating bullets because I didn't know if the other child's parents were going to push that I pay for the hospital bill since their child had to have stitches in his face!  I brought this to my son's father's attention and the night that my son got suspended, his father  did stop by to talk to my son with me. But it didn't actually happen that way! This a**hole picked my son up, sat my son on his lap, tickled him and told him that he can only do things like that at his house! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!! That's what I wanted to scream at him! Well...this f-ed up jerk continued to tell my son that he had to be good next time so that he can buy him presents. Great parenting huh? So not only did I have a child that did something severely wrong, but I had to figure out how to punish him now because his "father" couldn't discuss this with me and help me find a solution to the problem. After kicking my son's father out of my house (because he was no good to me if he wasn't going to help me), I called my insurance company and found a therapist that I could take my son to. My son went faithfully, every other week, to see the therapist from February 2006 until May 2006. The 1st weekend in June 2006 is when everything took place...and the therapist was on vacation (of course)! My son was supposed to be with his father for a 4 hour visitation, but he decided to work late that night so my son was with his step mother (the court said that I had to let him visit with her if his father was unavailable). As soon as my son walked 2 feet in the door, he started going wild and screaming how he hated me so much!!! He had such anger and force...and I didn't know what to do!!! I ignored his actions because what 5-year old knew anything about "hate"? I knew where he learned it and who he learned it from. I had decided that I had enough of the crap...I started making notes that I needed to discuss with my lawyer so that I could file for full legal custody because I couldn't take what they were doing to my baby anymore. Hating me is one thing...don't drag my child in the middle and make yourself out to be the good guy just because you're insecure about being with who you married. Well...anywho...because I started ignoring my son's actions, he started biting me and pulling my hair...hitting and kicking me...and I sat there and took it because I had never hit my child before and I didn't want to hit him over this because I know that his step mother created what he was at that point! Well...the last straw with him fell because he was more angry that I just sat there and let him hurt me so he went to his bedroom and got his t-ball bat and started whacking the crap out of my legs!!!!!!! And believe me when I tell you....THAT HURT!!!!!!!! So, doing what I thought was right, I pulled his pants down, bent him over my knee and spanked him! I actually spanked him on his butt...and I guess I did it hard because I left a clear handprint right across his cheeks!!! I didn't mean to do it as hard as I did, but I wanted him to know that he couldn't do that to anyone just because he was mad, angry or upset! So the State of NJ stepped in and gave my son's father full legal custody of my son and charged me with 2nd degree child abuse. Yes...I was facing 5-10 years in prison just for spanking my son!!!! Now...normal people like me say that those charges are damn near rediculous, but the State of NJ doesn't seem to think so. But now here's the catch. The judge that I had to go before is friends of my son's grandfather...remember...he's a cop!!! Yeah...and she wouldn't step off bench because she said it was NOT a conflict of interest. And in saying all of that...she said that I had to complete a parent education class, an anger management class and a psychological evaluation for custody before I could see my son again. Well...on top of all of that, my child support was set at $500 a month and I had to pay for the retainer for the pysch evaluation (which is $2000)...and I was given 20 days to pay for the evaluation. I tried to differ with the judge because that was all unrealistic...I bring home $1200 a month...$500 goes to child support and $600 goes to my rent - which by the way, I live in subsidized housing and because of my income, I have to pay that much in rent!!! Yeah...f-ing crazy huh??!! But I am left with $100 a month to live off of...that has to pay the utilities, keep insurance on the car, put food on my table, put gas in the car, etc....I asked the judge how I was supposed to pay the $2000 and she told me to get another job. So I asked her what the reprocussion was if I did...and she said that my child support would go up. SO WHY THE HELL WOULD I GET ANOTHER JOB THEN??????? But anywho...here it is 10 months later and I've missed every holiday since June 2006, I've missed my son's birthday (he's 6 now) and now I'm going to miss Mother's Day! That was the one day that only me and my son went out...all day long...and did whatever and we ate out all day also! So...here I am...DEPRESSED AGAIN!!!! My boyfriend says that I should still celebrate Mother's Day but I think that if I do...I'm only going to cry all damn day long!!! I just don't see why I should torture myself like that. I don't know what to do as of late...all I seem to do is just mope around the house like I did before. I don't want to be on the meds anymore...I want to just lead a normal life again...and I want to lead it with my son!!! I never once...in my entire life...ever thought about dieing until the day they took my baby away from me. I dealt with things and I seemed to be coming around. But now I'm back...back to feeling worthless and empty...WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED???? Well anywho...here's a poem for all of you mothers out there for Mother's Day!
A Mother's Love

A Mother's love does not compare,
To different kinds of love you share.
God made Mother's love just for you,
To last your whole life through.
A Mother always guides your way,
Tries to brighten every day.
Her love's the unconditional kind,
One you very seldom find.
You can trust she'll understand.
She'll be there to hold your hand.
A Mother shelters you with her love,

That God sent from heaven above

In memory of my little man John! I love you baby - FOREVER!!!

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