December 26th, 2006

  • hmhvv


the last time i felt this way was during canadian thanksgiving weekend. where i was so happy and blissful i wasn't preparing myself for the holidays, and as a result when the holiday hit, i hit rock bottom., but then i changed shrinks, and got a bunch of stuff done on my long term to do list. and this sense of accomplishment along with new meds and a new shrink (with a different point of view) helped me back up.

but this time i'm not sure i can do anything about it. iwas commiting myself to a small project of building some chainmail armor for sin city new years eve. but then i have been running into some loneliness and insomnia from the new holiday season again. only this time i haven't had the time to go out and field some contemplative time alone.

i lost steam for this project because i am finally accepting the pain that another friend of mine is going through. he and his brother are victims of child abuse. nothing so physically visible as hitting. its all verbal abuse. imagine getting yelled at for 1 hr a day for 13 years, as your mother the school teacher drives you to school in the morning. and then since he got mugged, his mother has been telling his girlfriend to dump him cause he is a loser multiple times a day. telling all his friends that she wants him to get his life back on track, only to find out later that she really meant to say "stay away from my son you faggot" (not just to me but to all his friends in the past).

i know they haven't done anything cause everything in life needs courage to do and he nor his brother have the courage to speak up against their abusers.

my excuse is, all my own problems in my own life seem so daunting that i can barely survive the trip of discovery on how to deal with something this terrible.

maybe i'll just give my new years eve ticket away. and just focus on making chainmail for money. and get past this season. my shrink was using an exmaple to prove a point to me, when he pointed out the example i felt like it was actually feasible. hitting myself in the head with a hammer. since that day i have been getting curious for this idea.

its like the millions of other scenarios i have thought up over some 12 years of severe depression. woot for depression.

yeah my shrink says that one of the side effects of my meds is that it is an upper, so it might be good to take it after i wake up in the morning. but since i started it i've been taking it before i goto sleep. and i sleep well. but with my new insomnia, i am tempted to switch back to the before sleep way. for the past 3 days I have been trying to go to sleep, and it takes close to 3 hours to get to sleep only to have some of the most wonderful dreams i have had in a while, but at last sleep is short lived, and i am awake after some 3 hours once again.

lucky for me these few days have been super busy. so i don't have to languish in my own mind.