Wow its been a really long time since I last posted here. But yea apparently I'm still alive and what not despite nothing has really changed for the better. I still hate myself but I think the only thing keeping me as live right now is that I like a good story. Life is a story to me and I wanna know how it ends. A premature ending is just so bleh even though it can be really appealing.

I've been getting alot of help from my sister and her boyfriend alot but I still feel completely on my own about alot of things like how I should deals with other people and my relationships. Like my current situation.

I dont know how but somehow I got a boyfriend hes nice and everything but my feeling are just like void even though I enjoy his company alot compared to being alone most of the time. But I'm still not happy or in any way happier.

Recently one of my friends that I had tried to be with admitted that he had feelings for me and maybe even loved me. This may sound nice and all but when he told me this I'm pretty sure I was miserable because the last person I believed loved me was lying to themselves and believed that lie. So when they realized it literally nearly killed me. So its hard for me to want to believe anyone because of that, my low expectations and low self esteem.

Plus the idea of believing that my friend does have feelings scares me more because the feelings are mutual. Even if I were to believe theres not much I can do because I'm with someone and I dont want to hurt them especially this early into the relationship and when theres nothing wrong between us. This is one of those time where I would oftenly say I wish I was alone and didnt have to worry about whether or not someone is being honest about their feelings and If i can or want to be with them.

After my friend and I talked about it I could help but crawl into a little ball and cry because it makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I dont know what to do.
  • Current Mood
    apathetic apathetic

(no subject)

Hey there lost I pretty much confessed everything to my therapist and I feel a tiny bit better, but still feel shitty. I was wondering if anyone feels like there mood comes in cycles? I experience my depression (or whatever their calling it at this point) as though it is a sine graph. It's very concerning because when ever I feel better (which isn't that great but way better than shit) it can creep up on me at any point. I thought the whole depression thing was just apart of being a teenager, but know that several years have past by it seems like something that's here to stay. I'm scared that it is going to destroy my life. It is common in my family and two of my aunts have attempted suicide (the ones that I know of), I really don't want that fate. I don't want to sit alone in corner hating myself, I want to live. Has anyone ever tried acupuncture? It's my new hope that it will help because meds just do not seem to aggree with me. Maybe I'm getting to hooked onto the depressed thing, sometimes the diagnosis or the several other things they think I may be makes me feel special. I'm just so mortified sometimes of the embarassing things of done to my family. I've been nothing, but trouble.

(no subject)

I'm 18 years old and I'm trying to find lost souls, I have a very low self esteem, and I'm also depressed, obsessive, and pessimistic but I'd like to find reasons to keep on living, to keep trying and struggling. 
On the other hand, I think I've gotten used to my sadness and melancholy, and if now I became a better person I'd lose a part of me, somehow, we've become friends, me and my many fucked up personalities. My friends say I'm weird, and someone once told me after I asked him if I was special that everyone in this world was special, and I think he was right. 
after spending my time thinking about it (did I mention how obsessive I am? =/  I came up with the idea that in a world where everyone is special, the real special one, would be someone not special at all
maybe it does not make sense at all, but, reading other people's posts makes me feel as a number, one more number in this world, maybe I am n#11001002830485554576509558740573094726499202874765849302827289404038272738484040382262423740920483625274947537384

don't know if I write too much and am not saying anything with meaning =( sigh*

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    crazy crazy

(no subject)

So I'm back here so it's not going well. I thought I was out of the dark, but it always seems to get me and everything seems like shit again. It seems like my whole life has been terrible, which doesn't make since and therefore just makes me angrier. I feel like the worst person and think the most heinous thoughts and hate myself for it. I really feel like I'm drowning here, again!! Like what the hell is the freakin point if all I'm ever going to feel is shit. I've tried practically everything and nothing seems to work. Can anyone suggest something that totally worked for them, tips or what not? I just would love to stop beating myself up and live in the real world rather then the small terrifying space that is my mind.

an introduction of some sort...


 I've been a member of this group for a few weeks, but haven't really felt confident enough to post or comment. However, I feel that I am ready to share my story, for those who would care to read. However, If you don't want me here, please do let me know and I'll leave. Thanks.

Collapse )


*I dare you to lift yourself off the floor...I dare you to move like today never happened*

  • Current Music
    Dare You To Move- Switchfoot

(no subject)

is it wrong to not want the best for people?
my best friend, well i wont say names here, but shes been "dealing" with this guy. and for a while she was waiting for him to ask her out. and to be honest, i really didn't think he would. and i didnt want him to. because for a while now, she has been, well, basically shafting me for him. i mean now they do everything together, and i just feel like i've been replaced. i mean we use to be so close. i was the first person she would call for anything and everything. and then this new guy comes along, and it all just changes. if i'm on the phone with her, and he calls, she'll take his call, not mine. or she'll leave me on the other line for several minutes before i decide to hang up.
and last night she calls me and says "evie ... guess whos not single anymore!"
so now they're dating. so now, do i have to just settle for second best? am i going to have to play third wheel. i dont want to do that. i really dont... but i mean, my friend is the kind of person who would tend to leave someone out (usually being me) to make the other person happy. she just does. it's always been that way.
and what really sucks is now two of my best friends have boyfriends. and i'm still here, single. i mean, at times i guess i'm okay with that, but i'm getting to the point where i cant even watch two people kiss on the tv or in a movie and not feel depressed. today i found myself crying to an i love lucy episode, a major comedy because i saw lucy and ricky kissing. it's getting to the point where i'm hit an all time low. over something that i really shouldn't care about.
and i just want to know, how can i overcome this? how can i make things better, for myself?

Hateful Revelation

Hi my name is Selena Rodney and I hate myself.

I hate myself with a great passion and wouldn't mind killing myself just to get myself out of my way. This revelation of myself isn't in anyway new. To be honest I've hated myself since I was 12 years old I think. Either I give myself a new reason or other people just help me add to the list of reasons to hate myself. Its freaking awesome.

The more I think about it the more cold and distant I become. Ok so on to why I hate myself:

1. i truly believe I'm the most useless thing on this earth. I don't care what other people say when they say I'm not useless because that just how I've always felt my entire life. I cant seem to do anything right and when I try to do the best I can it either backfires or blows up in my face.

2. I find it really hard to be content with myself. Despite my efforts I cant seem to please myself or reach my own standards which leads to the next reason.

3. I feel like a failure. I guess this is almost like the first reason but whatever. Either way I do feel like a failure because despite some accomplishments I'm still not content.

4. I feel like a complete outcast. Theres always a feeling of feeling out of place and not fitting in. Even among outcasts I feel like an outcast. This is because I tend to feel incapable to connect or create a bond with someone or anyone in general. Yea there will be something in common but its not enough to create the bond I want or need. I might feel a bond with another person but I find it highly doubtful they ever feel the same. This feeling tends to abuse me often and I dont know how to take care of it. I can deal with it by just cutting off all emotion and bonds to people but that doesnt help much. I need people at some point...

5. who could possibly like/love me? I doubt anyone would or can. Which is why I'm beginning to think I'de be better off alone not hoping for anything. Yea that sounds dumb and when I read this in the future it might sound dumb too but my mind is going so crazy that its hard not to think that way. Yea, some people say they do but I'm either doubting them or wondering why the hell they would. If I cant even love myself its hard to expect others to do so.

In this one month my self hatred and desire to find a dark corner to slit my wrists in and bleed to death has gone really high. I just want to bleed to death on the floor that way I would have some time to look back and then die satisfied or I just want to hurt myself....either one is good with me. As tempting as the idea is I refusing to do so. Just for the record its not my physical self or my life that I hate, its just me.

Oky doky....I'm tired now and I think thats all I have to say...for now at least.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


Alright so I finally thought I escaped the claws of depression, but they are once again scratching me. I am about to go off to college for the first time and am scared that I will get very depressed again in an unfamiliar place with no one to help me. I don't know what to do. I don't want depression to destroy my life again and steal whatever youth I have left.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

What am I doing???

Wow...where do I begin??? From the beginning my friend tells me...LOL...Anywho...I'm a 28-year old single mother of a beautiful 6-year old little boy that I have had no communication with for 10 months now! I don't know how I'm even alive and functioning anymore! So I guess that you are all probably wondering why I haven't seen or even talked to my son huh?'s my story. I was never married to my son's father, but after becoming parents, my son's father decided that he wasn't cut out for fatherhood. Not only was he verbally and emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive towards me also. His father is a cop and he always threatened that if I ever left him, though, his father would help him get custody of our child and they would make sure that I never saw my son again. Fearing losing my son, I put up with all the bullshit until finally this jackass kicked me out and told me to take my son. He had moved on and didn't want any responsibility at all. But my stupid ass took him to court and made it so that he HAD to take his son every other weekend...I thought that I was doing the right thing. Well...needless to say, from day 1...his girlfriend didn't want him to have any means of contact with me, but oh well right? I had his child...LOL. So for 2 years, there was nothing but hostility between me, my son's father and his girlfriend (mostly with the girlfriend). She was always criticizing that I never took care of my baby...she said that I always put "rags" on my son. She felt that my 2-year old (at the time) should be wearing Baby Gap and Old Navy...I didn't see why I should buy my son clothes that expensive for him to just wear it one time and then he'd be too big to wear it again. Now...I took VERY good care of my son. He was never dressed bad. What you would dress your 2-year old in is what mine looked like....A 2-YEAR OLD!!! This kind of crap went on for 2 whole years!!!! Then finally, I started inviting the girlfriend over and tried to get a little close...again...I thought I was doing right by my son. Boy did that kick me right in the ass!!!! Anywho...they decided to get married...good...I was happy for them. Well, from the time that they got married until everything happened in my life, this chick constantly told my son that I hated him and that I didn't love him (believe me...the list can go on)!  I mean...she was desperate to get me out of my son's life!!!! Well, him being 5 by this time, he started acting out and now was becoming agressive in his preschool. I mean, this nutty chick drove him to actaully knock another child on the ground and literally stomp on this child's face!!! My 5-year old (at the time) got suspended from preschool!!! Meanwhile, I'm sweating bullets because I didn't know if the other child's parents were going to push that I pay for the hospital bill since their child had to have stitches in his face!  I brought this to my son's father's attention and the night that my son got suspended, his father  did stop by to talk to my son with me. But it didn't actually happen that way! This a**hole picked my son up, sat my son on his lap, tickled him and told him that he can only do things like that at his house! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!! That's what I wanted to scream at him! Well...this f-ed up jerk continued to tell my son that he had to be good next time so that he can buy him presents. Great parenting huh? So not only did I have a child that did something severely wrong, but I had to figure out how to punish him now because his "father" couldn't discuss this with me and help me find a solution to the problem. After kicking my son's father out of my house (because he was no good to me if he wasn't going to help me), I called my insurance company and found a therapist that I could take my son to. My son went faithfully, every other week, to see the therapist from February 2006 until May 2006. The 1st weekend in June 2006 is when everything took place...and the therapist was on vacation (of course)! My son was supposed to be with his father for a 4 hour visitation, but he decided to work late that night so my son was with his step mother (the court said that I had to let him visit with her if his father was unavailable). As soon as my son walked 2 feet in the door, he started going wild and screaming how he hated me so much!!! He had such anger and force...and I didn't know what to do!!! I ignored his actions because what 5-year old knew anything about "hate"? I knew where he learned it and who he learned it from. I had decided that I had enough of the crap...I started making notes that I needed to discuss with my lawyer so that I could file for full legal custody because I couldn't take what they were doing to my baby anymore. Hating me is one thing...don't drag my child in the middle and make yourself out to be the good guy just because you're insecure about being with who you married. Well...anywho...because I started ignoring my son's actions, he started biting me and pulling my hair...hitting and kicking me...and I sat there and took it because I had never hit my child before and I didn't want to hit him over this because I know that his step mother created what he was at that point! Well...the last straw with him fell because he was more angry that I just sat there and let him hurt me so he went to his bedroom and got his t-ball bat and started whacking the crap out of my legs!!!!!!! And believe me when I tell you....THAT HURT!!!!!!!! So, doing what I thought was right, I pulled his pants down, bent him over my knee and spanked him! I actually spanked him on his butt...and I guess I did it hard because I left a clear handprint right across his cheeks!!! I didn't mean to do it as hard as I did, but I wanted him to know that he couldn't do that to anyone just because he was mad, angry or upset! So the State of NJ stepped in and gave my son's father full legal custody of my son and charged me with 2nd degree child abuse. Yes...I was facing 5-10 years in prison just for spanking my son!!!! Now...normal people like me say that those charges are damn near rediculous, but the State of NJ doesn't seem to think so. But now here's the catch. The judge that I had to go before is friends of my son's grandfather...remember...he's a cop!!! Yeah...and she wouldn't step off bench because she said it was NOT a conflict of interest. And in saying all of that...she said that I had to complete a parent education class, an anger management class and a psychological evaluation for custody before I could see my son again. Well...on top of all of that, my child support was set at $500 a month and I had to pay for the retainer for the pysch evaluation (which is $2000)...and I was given 20 days to pay for the evaluation. I tried to differ with the judge because that was all unrealistic...I bring home $1200 a month...$500 goes to child support and $600 goes to my rent - which by the way, I live in subsidized housing and because of my income, I have to pay that much in rent!!! Yeah...f-ing crazy huh??!! But I am left with $100 a month to live off of...that has to pay the utilities, keep insurance on the car, put food on my table, put gas in the car, etc....I asked the judge how I was supposed to pay the $2000 and she told me to get another job. So I asked her what the reprocussion was if I did...and she said that my child support would go up. SO WHY THE HELL WOULD I GET ANOTHER JOB THEN??????? But it is 10 months later and I've missed every holiday since June 2006, I've missed my son's birthday (he's 6 now) and now I'm going to miss Mother's Day! That was the one day that only me and my son went out...all day long...and did whatever and we ate out all day also! I am...DEPRESSED AGAIN!!!! My boyfriend says that I should still celebrate Mother's Day but I think that if I do...I'm only going to cry all damn day long!!! I just don't see why I should torture myself like that. I don't know what to do as of late...all I seem to do is just mope around the house like I did before. I don't want to be on the meds anymore...I want to just lead a normal life again...and I want to lead it with my son!!! I never my entire life...ever thought about dieing until the day they took my baby away from me. I dealt with things and I seemed to be coming around. But now I'm back...back to feeling worthless and empty...WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED???? Well's a poem for all of you mothers out there for Mother's Day!
A Mother's Love

A Mother's love does not compare,
To different kinds of love you share.
God made Mother's love just for you,
To last your whole life through.
A Mother always guides your way,
Tries to brighten every day.
Her love's the unconditional kind,
One you very seldom find.
You can trust she'll understand.
She'll be there to hold your hand.
A Mother shelters you with her love,

That God sent from heaven above

In memory of my little man John! I love you baby - FOREVER!!!

  • Current Music
    Zoe by Staind
  • rdlght

Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link

Here is the correct spelling.  I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn

referral sources:

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS

Breaking the Silence

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS

Petition for Justice for Katelynn:

Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!****
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy