The Rug pulled from under me.

A lump in my stomach...that I threw up an hour ago. And I write. What is it that I had in my stomach? What is it that creeped inside of my head this time? All people I have come in contact with, I'm too sorry. I feel like shit and I have to get it out. I'm sorry for being morbid. I have to write.

It's being uncapable of feeling emotion
It's being unable to manage control
It's hearing silence, seeing evil
It's blind, its deaf, It becomes alive and real
It Isnt fair, to you.
It stabs you with the tip of its tongue
It sets off bombs from behind your eyes
Your vision is skewed
But you can see inside your head
It breaks your skin to burn your insides
When you sleep at night
It yells Fucking Fool, in a nightmare
And when you wake, its still yelling in your ears.
They're an army at battle in your head
They carry guns with bullets of insults,
Bombs of floating skulls
Chasing me and chasing all

I'm never alone, I'm surrounded by strangers.
I'm in a foreign land
The temple from God has been invaded by aliens
Prescribe the solution
those anti crazy's, you've been atomic bombs, wiping out invaders
and the innocence of me and of my personality.
Putting me in a lost enchantment
waging wars of my own behind my wide eyes
listening to the beat of their song,
slipping and seduced by the Sirens of my head.
Who ever invitied you?
Putting guns to my head and blow you away
this is war. I'm a sacrafice I have to make.
I'm a heathen, homeland of all without,
a figure to hibernate and control.
A body without feelings of his own
controlled by the warped evil of all I hold.
I'm condemned in human form, providing a blank state
of mind for any who is of power to
steal me away from myself.

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To all of my lovelies here...

"Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dont be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause Ive seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You dont know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

So if youre mad, get mad
Dont hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well Im a lot like you
When youre standing at the crossroads
And dont know which path to choose
Let me come along
cause even if youre wrong

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
Youre feeling all alone
You wont be on your own

Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And Ill never desert you
Ill stand by you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you..."
  • Current Music
    GIna Glockson - I'll Stand By You

depression and cancer

It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've got a lump in my breast that I've been trying to ignore of corse I need to get it checked out, but i have no health insurance and if they found cancer I would never be able to find health insurance, I've been working myself so perpetually for the past year (two?) for just enough money to pay bills that my brain is not working, I'm forgetting things, I get terrible impulses to ram things in my car or drive off the cliff into the ocean (this far I have been able to subdue the impulses) I work so much that I never see my family, I never date, I don't have any type of social interaction that doesn't relate to work. I am so depressed. I don't want to do anything anymore... I don't want to go to work, I can't sleep until the sun starts to come up and then I don't want to open my eyes, I have nothing to look forward to. SO basically I am working myself into a lonely grave and either my paranoia is getting really bad or my tits will kill me before I have a chance to think about it. Is this suicide by neglect? It seems like anybody who could help me like a therapist or a doctor only wants money. If I made more money I could pay for my mental and physical well being, if I made less money the state would pay for it, but as it is I am on my own, left to die, and if not die, left to wallow in the paranoid hopeless mire of my own mind. Thanks for reading this sad post. I can't let this out anywhere else, nobody can help me.
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical

No Longer Able To Cope...

My name is Laura, I'm 14 and I'm going to commit suicide.

Sounds rather blunt, but i have a plan and I am going to act it out.

I have an abusive mother. She's been the whole reason for my misery; I cry at night, I have nobody. My sister recently revealed to her that I am Bisexual, I managed to squeeze by the chance of getting a beating - simply by nodding vigorously with the screams and rants. I am only 14, but I can't do this anymore. Why live a life where everyday you don't want to wake up? I've cut before, so I went to a therapist man in school. He helped me tell my mum, but, that was a big mistake. Now she calls me strange and insists that I be normal. Today I'm grounded for the weeks holiday for bringing the wrong coat to school, she said to me "You must learn to do as your told." But I couldn't do P.E. otherwise.

I feel so alone, I did confide in a few friends, but not any of them can sway my descision. I guess I just want my story to be told before I die.

Or to know that I'm not alone. I need somebody to show me the love that stopped all those years back. Why am I alone? What did I do? Why does nobody care?

I need to escape. I can't carry on like this. The tears and cutting just don't help anymore. I'm officially broken; and I need your help.



There are a few things I wanted to address.

The LJ Talk feature is up and running as most of you have seen. Now, I know in times of pure desperation and pain, I would like to have someone to talk to right then. Now, I have told most of you my IM features and many of those link to my cell phone in case anyone not just from here but anyone in general needed me. Yet this seems like something that would be worth looking into and perhaps creating a set time when we, the members of Lost Beauty, could meet every so often. Just a thought.

Second, banners were created for me sometime back. They are lovely yet not very clear nor do they include a link.For any of you who are graphically gifted, I am trying to create a banner to post through the LJ world that when clicked upon will take the user directly to us.Any ideas?

Also, I know the holidays can be an awful time for some people and I hope you all remain strong and reach out if you need it.
  • Current Music
    Emilie Autumn - I Want My Innocence Back
  • maytel

so jealous.

Hi, I'm May and I'm 24yrs old. It's my first post, it's going to be a really long one too.

I have a problem that is driving me insane.

I'm too  jealous. I know it's bad and it will be my downfall.. but I just can't help it.
Let me explain why I say that I'm jealous.
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*sadness extreme*

(no subject)

i found out it was my boyfreinds birthday yesterday. He's now 19.
He rang me up and sounded like he was so drunk he was about to pass out and he probably was. that upset me alot but i controlled myself and i didnt cut.
i just wanted to post an acheivement instead of a negative post for once in this community.
The Everlasting Why

(no subject)

Hi. My name is Calli (musecalliopeia), and I am now 23 months clean of cutting!

I started cutting when I was 16. I am now 34

I recently opened a new self-injury recovery journal, selfinjuryanon. Please feel free to come by and check it out - anyone is welcome to join. I want this to be a safe, supportive place for people to come together and share their experiences.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
At Home

Hi, I'm New...

I'm a 36 year old male from Charlotte, NC. I've suffered from depression and anxiety on and off all my life. I've been in and out of therapy and even spent several months institutionalized as a teen. A couple of years ago I finally had a big breakdown and spent almost a week in the care of the mental health center and had to move out of my apartment immediately afterward, my roommates needed their privacy, they're engaged and wanted it to be just them, I knew about it a couple of months before my breakdown and I think that helped contribute to it, although I was in pretty bad shape as well. I never went out, I was crying all the time and playing repetative games on-line for hours on end.

After getting out I was forced to move back in with my parents again. I was unemployed and nearly unemployable, I tried every day for months and no one would hire me. After getting out I was able to get Disability from the government, so that helped, but it's nowhere near enough to find a place to live on my own or even with roommates, especially since most of my friends are in relationships or getting married. Most of the time I'm okay, not great, but okay. I'm on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and they keep me stable most of the time, but I still get tears in my eyes over the least little frustration or even a sad tv show or book. Hell, just writing this brings on the waterworks.

Add to all that my non-existant self-esteem and lonliness and I'm a big mess. I have plenty of friends that care for me and one without whom I wouldn't have even made it this far, I'd have been dead years ago if not for him, but it's not enough. I just want someone that I can love and hold.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah