I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you but I would also be lying if I said I agreed with how you have acted as of late, as far as it has been relayed to me. I simply cannot believe you could just use someones heart like a goddamn taffy pull. But whatever, that's really no business of mine, in all honesty.
It's funny, right before I left I thought about calling and apologizing just so things would be all better, and don't lie because they would have been, and I could actually feel like I was leaving something special behind. I didn't because I'm stubborn and even now, still hurt. Hurt because you actually had the nerve to say anything about the efforts I made. Funny, I don't remember blowing you off several times, no wait, that was you. I don't remember putting you into silly, awkward situations- nope, that was you again. The point wasn't to bash you, even if you probably will never read this. I just hate that in a matter of a couple weeks and I'm sure several different drugs, you have literally turned into your mother.
I remember when you and I used to talk about how mean she was being to you and how at one point you even wanted to call services on her. And now look....you are her. That, to me, is way more sad than the effort comment could have ever been. That's another reason why I didn't apologize. I wanted to apologize and get my friend back, but I don't think she exists anymore. You're a completely different person and you seem so blind to it.
It sucks that even if I had stayed, I still wouldn't have my friend back. I'm going to miss you Veronica, I really am.
I cannot help but laugh a little when you dared to suggest that you were surrounded by people who were your "real friends." And while I cannot say much about Jaimie and Chase, I know for a sure fact that alcohol and the other people around you are not your "real friends."
As for saying that I'm not a real friend of yours, I hope you realize how insulting that was to me, and to everything that I've ever done to help you in the past. Let's not forget about the times that I helped convince you that your pathetic plateau of a life was worth living for to see the next completely predictable day.
Also, I find it quite funny to see how you're reacting to your first taste of real life jealousy. I suppose your reaction is only (once again) predictable because you've never really had the feeling before, have you? And, if my memory serves me correctly, you were hardly a real human being before I began to help you dive into the intricate world that is human emotion. So, welcome to the pain and reality that many people live through every day and learn to cope with, a skill you have not yet mastered, but will come with time.
I must say though, that the cold indifference you show me is quite hurtful, and once again only something to be expected. I understand and agree that I deserve most of this treatment, seeing as how I have continued to blatantly ignore your wishes. I am sorry for this, and all I can say is that I have been having quite the battle of apathy combined with hedonism vs. giving any sort of a damn going on in my mind for a while now. I'm sorry for the complications that have arisen because of this quandary of mine, and there has been a certain level of abuse that I have been willing to accept from you because I have understood that this has been my fault; However, you telling me that I'm not a "real" friend because of a few recent occurrences is ridiculous, and I hope you understand how unreliable Chase and Jaimie are going to become. Not because they're uncaring people, no. Only because they're going to be at such a distance and trying to make their new life work without having to worry about the problems of the friends who are stuck back here in Michigan.
In the end, I think that this is going to be the end of our 6 year long adventure of a friendship. You were dear to me, and will continue to be so for a fair amount of time, but I will certainly let you go eventually, just as Jaimie has slowly taught me to do so.
However, with you, I imagine it being much more a thing that you continue to bottle up until you finally break down one day in the alcohol that you're slowly letting become a crutch of yours. I hope you feel the pain, and I also hope that one day you get over it as well. But I do have to say that the cold indifference that you're exuding is not really going to help you in the short term. I'd suggest actually coming to terms with reality, and continuing to try to make something of your life, so your intelligence isn't wasted in another cliche of a tortured genius mind wrecked with pain of understanding everything too deeply, and yet doing nothing to help it.
Regardless of all of this, I wish you could you know that you are indeed still very dear to me, and I regret abusing you so, but there's nothing I can do to go back and change it. I have dug my own grave with this, and I will pay the consequences. I appreciate all your efforts, and I pray that you will continue on and hopefully continue to grow into something that you can feel even more peaceful and fulfilled than working at Harbor Freight Tools. You certainly have the work ethic, and I have and have always had complete faith in you that you would be able to become something great. All the luck in the world to you.
I must end with this another reiteration of apologies, for I am sorry. It will never make a difference to you, for you are always claiming that my apologies come too late. But I have said them aloud for some to hear, and they will know that I made an attempt.
I love you, and I will be guilt tripped with this for a while. But be reassured that soon enough you will become just a memory of "mein kampf" (as hitler so put it).
Good bye, dear friend. I will miss you.
Please don't take Veronica down with you. We like her and it would be nice if you didn't destroy every opportunity she had to amount to something.
Please and thank you.
I feel terrible about all this, but I can't say this to you, so I just need to say it somewhere...
One of the things that I learned when Kurt left was that it when it comes to relationships, it doesn't matter how the other person feels if one person wants to leave. And that was always my problem. I stayed in relationships that were horrible for me because I cared too much about what the other person thought and felt.
Now I don't, and I'm sorry that you had to be the person that I realized this with.
I love you, but it doesn't matter. I just hope you get over this and realize that everything is going to be ok. Besides, weren't people saying recently that you shouldn't be with me anyway? Just listen to them, and get your life fucking moving. I hope you decide to go to college still.
I hate almost everything about the way that you attempt to communicate with other human beings. I hate that you stutter so much and have to repeat the same sentence about 10 different times; but not without rearranging the words to basically say the same thing, 10 times. I hate the tone of voice you tell stories in because it's like you're always trying to make yourself sound like a bad ass, and you're not.
On the topic of stories, I don't believe a lot of the ones you tell. So many of them seem just too conveniently and perfectly linked to a situation, like literally down to the joke or phrase, and I highly doubt that you were ever really witty enough to say half the things that you claim to have to said to people in these stories of yours. Also, I really freaking doubt that you're memory is good enough to recall these things as perfectly as you try to make it seem, especially since you seem to have trouble remembering how to put a regular fucking sentence together.
You're a great guy like 90% of the time, but lately you've really been starting to annoy the fuck out of me with your antics. I know that I've been getting to you too, so that's why I feel justified in writing this, because I know I'll be getting mine fairly soon.
I'd say that you should stop acting all nervous and trying to impress people with fake witty stories, but I don't even know if you know how to be the real you. I'd almost go as far as to say that I don't know if you have a real personality, and what you have right now is only the remnant of your brain that hasn't been destroyed by drugs.
That is all, for the moment.
I don't know if I love you anymore. I'm sorry. I mean, whenever I'm with you... it's like heaven on earth, but when you're gone... even if it's for a long time... I just don't seem to care that much, you know? You probably feel the same way, but it still feels so... strange. I don't know, maybe I should talk to you about this face-to-face, but.. but I have to think first.
Ooh, I hate how dizzy makes me feel so dizzy...
Boží dar , To mi nejde pod vousy tebe. To mi nejde pod vousy tebe tolik. Dostatečný až k kde JÁ dělostřelectvo dokonce stát ono. Proč ar tebe tichý do má hlava tebe dva čelit čubka?! Do prdele do konce jíž.
It is a regret for me to inform you that you very well be the most obnoxious species on the planet. Retardation should not and is not a contagion. You should be ashamed of yourselves for your very existence and the excuses you use.
Oh you have a child? Good for you, but it still isn't an excuse. Would you like being used as an excuse? How about for petty things like cutting in line or being rude. "I'm being a dick but its ok because my loins and given birth." yeah ok.
You're fucked up because of your parents? Ooh, thats a tough one. Have you tried getting past that? Being your own person and not being your parents? There must have been at least one person in your entire life that set a good example. If you can't be you, be them for goodness sake.
Nobody loved you as a kid and your life is more fucked up now then its ever been so sleep with anyone who's willing and then engross yourself with their life? Reading that, do I even have to tell you what to do.
You can't figure out who you are so you try to be like everyone else and are so afraid to find out who you are that you're scared to be alone? Poor baby. Well, I suppose if that's how you feel and you enjoy being a carbon copy of someone next to you then I suppose you deserve it. All of it. Not just the way they look and feel and think but how about all of their worries and problems and faults? You don't want those? Hm...then maybe you are undeserving.
No, no, don't worry all of you, I get it. Being a self-absorbed prick is fine when you have an excuse and no one finds out. But you know, then again, I suppose that if you were just like me and told the truth then you would be considered a bitch too. Though, if EVERYONE at least told the truth, then we wouldn't have all of you then, now would we.
Dear Person that I met at Necto who I'm talking to right now on MSN,
I want you to know a couple of things.
1. You keep spelling "you're" wrong. It's not "your."
2. You're really perverted, and I'm thinking slightly retarded.
3. I could totally beat your ass in a game of Gears of War or Halo 2, fuck face. (Please notice that the proper use of "your" is included in my sentence.)
4. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to stand talking to you. I'm used to being surrounded that are at least my own intelligence level or higher.
5. I can't tell if you're just trying to flatter your way into my pants by telling the people at your recruiter's that you "met the best girl in the world", or if you're just plain creepy. I'd almost kind of rather that it was flattery, because then I can totally knock you on your ass for being a dick.
6. Ok, I have to give you some kudos. All I said was "I like shooter and horror video games" and you immediately said "Silent Hill fan?"
7. You don't even understand 1337, like any of the fucking basics. C'mon, wtf does V4G1N4 look like?! VAGINA! Dumbass...
8. Good luck trying to find me at Necto next time, lol. I was wearing a wig and a fuck ton of make up. You probably won't ever see me again.
9. Ok, seriously. Not everything is that funny. Please stop saying "lol" at the beginning or ending of every single sentence. Christ...
My general opinion of you so far = I hate you.
A few drops of rain from last night remains on the windshield, they glitter and sparkle in the sun and I imagine them to be diamond-like drops of happiness.
I am driving home, the place I grew up, you know, on the outskirts, farmland, everything is greener there and you have a happy childhood like the ones you see in movies. A straw of weed between the gaps of your front teeth.
I heat a cheese and ham sandwich I bought yesterday. The texture is almost rubbery. Just like a day old cheese and ham sandwich when it is heated.
The rats are fighting over who is going to snuggle up under my left arm, which is resting in my lap. They look happy and content when they look up at me.
I want coffee and juice. We have neither.
India has fallen asleep between my breast, and fur against skin is the most perfect feeling.
I keep thinking of you, and the happiness we shared together in mornings like this.
It seems so long ago it was you who could fall asleep between my breasts.
My love, my life. I miss you. I am not myself without you.