Dear mum,

Would you be mad if I told you what I REALLY want to do? I'm sure you would. The thought that I'm not sure that I want to go to uni would tear you up, I'm sure. But it's true.

If I'm honest, then I don't know what it is that I want to do. All I know is that I love writing. Whether it's songs, poetry, stories, anything that allows me to express how I feel or to imagine a better life than the one I already have. You don't get that. You can't understand why I'm forever quoting my favourite lyrics and my favourite books. Why I'm always scrawling through various notepads (On a side note: I need a new one), why I'm always on my guitar or piano.

I told you that I want to be a journalist. Well, I don't. I love facts, but not those kinds of facts. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve (And I still bear most of the scars)and I want to inspire others to do the same. I want to help people come to terms with who they are without them having to resort to therapy. I want my writing to mean something to someone. Anyone. God, this sounds so cheesy, but that's what I want.

I've never wanted a conventional life. My friends have always reckoned that I'll fall head-over-heals for a guy in a band at a show, run off to Las Vegas with him and get married, then get pet cats instead of kids, for God's sake! And that's okay with me. I'm fine with me being the girl with the coffee mug, sitting in her flat writing on her laptop and guitar stuff that will strike a chord with one 15 year-old in the most remote town in America. And again, that's okay with me. Is it cool with you? Thought not.

I know you want what's best for me. And I respect that. I do, I swear. But I can't live out the life you want for me if it's not who I am.

I'm sorry if I seem like a failure, but I guess then that's just who I am. And I'm happy with who I am, so I'm not going to be changing any time soon, so you better get used to it.


  • Current Music
    6 Months - Hey Monday

(no subject)

Dear Ryan,
i'm sorry. no, thats not how i wanted to start this. but i am. i'm sorry that i cant say these things out loud.
honestly i'm just trying to get some cheap therapy. and I think that if I write it down. it's one step closer to saying it out loud. and after i say it out loud, i can say it to you.
i'm scared that you're going to leave me. i feel like i can't be comfortable until we hit a year. when we hit a year i know you wont leave. but i know in the back of my head i will still be thinking that you will leave. you'll leave me like everyone else. well thats not true.
but you will stop loving me. and i dont even know that you do love me. i just, i dont want you to stop caring. this is coming out all wrong.
i want to tell you that i love you. no other word could describe what i feel when i'm around you. when you aren't around i feel horrible. when i think about you not being there, i know that my life will cease to exist. because nothing will ever replace this feeling when im with you. it's like i finally feel whole. there is no longer a gapping wound in my side when youre around. i wake up, and i get out of bed because i know that one more day will bring us closer together. one more day and i'll be closer to being older. and knowing more about you. and coming one step closer to some time when i will no longer have these doubts about you leaving in my head. i know its going to be you. because before i had you, i dont even know what i did. i would cling onto anything that gave me a reason to live, if only for a few weeks. and now that i have you, i couldnt imagine ever going back to that way of life.
you make me want to do things. you make me want to quit smoking, for you. you make me want to lose weight, for you. so maybe i would feel more worthy of having you. but that shouldnt be the case. i deserve you, i waited 5 years at least. with you always in the back of my mind. i knew you would be there for me eventually, i just had to get to that point. and now that i'm here i am so scared. i am so scared to open up to you, to bring down the last barrier that i think is keeping me sane, but it's really just making me more crazy.
if i had one wish, i would make you happy. i wish i could just erase all the pain in your life right now. i want to reassure you that everything is going to be okay. but how can i say that when i have no control over it? i want you to find a job, i want you to be happy. and healthy. and i want you to get a good night's sleep when im with you.
this sound so ridiculous, but i just want to live happily ever after with you.
and i know when this fairy tale ends, i'm just going to give up.
and i cant let that happen.

(no subject)

Dear Self,

He's so far gone and out of reach, that the stars could touch him, and you no longer could.
Just forget about it all.  You have a wonderful boy talking to you, and you watch your cell phone screen blink with the first text from him today.
Maybe he could brighten the rain.

Your so ignorant,

You are obviously the most un cultured person i know. you sit there and says it ok to say offensive shit and your so completely wrong that i dont know what to say. You say that you would argue and dont agree with some of the things that i do bcause obviously you come from a broken amily that doesn tknwo anything a bout sticking together. i cant even look at you you selfish maniac bitch!! seriously go kill yourself and get the fuck out because you sound retarded.


dear me,

what in the fuck were you thinking? taking bars and then pouncing on your ex, telling her you love her? now you've got thirteen people on you at anygiven moment ready to kick your ass, and you can even REMEMBER!
you REALLY did it this time.
you fell right into her trap when she told you she overdosed, you knew she was trying to pull you in and you fucking took the bait anyway.

you are so much smarter than this, stop doing fucking drugs and stop trying to be captain save-a-hoe.


p.s. go to fucking class.

(no subject)

Dear L,

My biggest regret is that I didn't ruin your life like I really wanted to. Even worse you kind of left a bad imprint on my life and I probably didn't even make a fucking dent in yours.

I wish I'd stop writing to you,
  • Current Music
    rocket summer's stuck in my head.

(no subject)

Dear Adam,
I have noticed that you haven't been calling me, and I understand where you are coming from. I know you don't want to hurt Tom, and I respect that. In fact, I am impressed by your loyalty to your friend, and I would never ask you to ruin a friendship that you have had for so long. Also, the fact that you are roommates takes everything to a level more complicated that you should have to deal with. Whether Tom is wrong or right, which we both know he is wrong, doesn't change the fact that you care about him and don't want to hurt him or have him make trouble for you, which I totally understand.

I would like to know, even if you don't want to pursue anything now, if you still have any of the feelings you had for me that night we were together and if you have interest in hanging out when/if Tom is out of the picture. You are the first person I have had any kind of feelings for at this school, and I really do enjoy your company and want to get to know you better. I would like to know if you reciprocate that feeling, regardless of what you think you should do about it.

I think about the nice things you said to me all the time, and even if this never works out, I know what happened between us wasn't just sex. And for that in itself, I am grateful.