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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope [entries|friends|calendar]
It's filling me with all you mean to me..

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[22 May 2009|11:28pm]

Dear Carl,

I think I'm in love with you. It means my Dad was right, but to Hell with that. You and I are never going to go anywhere, so it doesn't seem like too much of a problem, right?

I won't make any sort of move on you, because I love Jon and I know he is your best friend. Neither of us will ever hurt him. I just want to acknowledge these feelings somewhere. Then maybe they will stop keeping me up at night.

With love,

[18 May 2009|02:42pm]

Dear Mute
I hate your boyfriend. He's so disgusting, he smells, he does not shower or brush his teeth. He is not funny and completely repulses me in every way.  He always makes you sad and I have no idea what you see in him.

Dear Apple/iPod/iTunes/you get the picture [17 May 2009|07:44pm]



Dear whoever may be reading this post,

HELP! I reset my iPod to factory settings because itunes wasn't recognising it, and itunes STILL won't see it. I'm actually in tears! ='(

2 || x

[04 May 2009|08:46pm]

dear p,

i find it oddly ironic that as much as you're "scared" of me hurting you
you fucking hurt me everyday
do you realize you use me like a convience store?
and don't talk to me or hang out with me unless i can get you what you want?
maybe you do, and that's your intentions.
maybe i'm playing to fool, and this whole "you're going to hurt me" thing is just an act because i'm dumb enough to star in this fucking mind-game sitcom.
and the truth is, i couldn't even hurt you ever again.
but i'm glad you're opening my eyes and letting me see myself as the door mat i've become.

Blah, blah, shhhhh! [26 Apr 2009|12:15am]

[ mood | awake ]

Just Friends is Just Fine with me.Collapse )


mom [25 Apr 2009|01:53am]

dear wendy,

why after leaving me to raise myself at 12
do you suddenly feel the need to protect me?
i hope one day
when you fucking look back
youll see my fucking face and cry because
everything i am
you were NEVER fucking there when i needed you.

[11 Apr 2009|06:28pm]

[ mood | happy ]

this is a moment. a feeling. i want to keep.

gushy as heeeeeellCollapse )

P.S. when i finished this, i looked outside and there were two doves on my balcony. (officially weirded out.) and then to add to the romanticism... THEY STARTED MATING. its a sign. a mating sign. rofl


[01 Apr 2009|07:31pm]


my funny valentine,
i don't need a super relationshippy thing.
i don't need to hang out with you every second of every day.
i like how things are now between us.  everything is right.
i don't mind doing the casual dating thing.
i don't mind you being busy.
as long as i know how you feel about me.
and i'm pretty sure i do.

i'm sure you meant what you said when you said it, but now that it's today and you're in a more rational state of mind, you're rethinking.
and i know you're going to rethink and rethink until the next time we talk.
try not to.
what we have is awesome.  i love hanging out with you and talking to you.
and oooohhhh lord do i love fucking you all night long.
do you really want to be with me?  i hope that's something you meant.
we can be together without being so "in a relationship."
i think the word "relationship" is scary to us....it has so many connotations.
it's the inseparableness...the loss of identity...the loss of autonomy.
i know that rules scare you.

my funny valentine, we don't have to be like everyone else.  we can make our own rules, or have none at all.
i just like you too much to let this go.
and i feel like you feel the same way.
i hope you do.



[27 Mar 2009|04:14am]

you! you people on my flist! KNOCK IT OFF!

i'm tired of you people updating every single day posting about how you restyled your hair, bought a new gadget, and especially the posts with endless pics of you in your new socks, new t-shirts, bras, jeans, hatandglovesandscarf... I DON'T CARE! NO ONE DOES!

and you! the person who updates every day about how much you hate your dad... if it bothers you that much, LEAVE! you have a job, you have several thousand dollars in the back. he doesn't abuse you. if you're really that unhappy, get out. but of course that would mean the stream of sympathy from your friends would trickle to and end and your dad would quit buying you TVs and computers and iphones and ipods and other gadgets that you don't need. get out or shut up.


Dear indie/scene kids/hipsters/whoever else thinks they're too good for 'mainstream' music, [24 Mar 2009|07:49pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]


No, seriously. There are two main problems with your policy of not listening to anything that makes the radio:

1) It makes you look and sound pretentious to sit there with your mates and bitch about the fact that such and such a band got played on the radio. NO ONE CARES. In fact, it's a good thing that a good band gets played on the radio (Enough dreadful ones do, so why not good ones?). Because, let's face it, music, is a business, no matter how much people say that they're in it for the songs rather than the money, they still have to pay the bills. Sure, it's an awesome job, the best in the world, but it is also tough, expensive and tiring. So yes, I'm perfectly cool with bands getting a bit of a break. I mean, you talk about bands selling out, but define that for me. For me, selling out is when a previously good band starts making bad music with the aim of it being commercially successful. Now where, in that definition, is the word 'radio' or, god forbid, 'tv'? You claim to be fans, but are you really if you just drop them once everyone else gets into them? Surely, you should feel PROUD of an amazing band that is doing so well. I know that I do! Besides, if someone who hasn't heard of a band before hears them on the radio, and genuinely loves the music, then why can't they be allowed to love the band as much as the person who has been to every concert since the beginning? It's hardly their fault that they hadn't heard of the band before! This kind of behaviour makes you seem elitist, stuck-up and snobby.

2) You are stereotyping yourselves. You claim that you don't want to be pigeonholed, that you don't want people to judge you...well chill out a bit! You'll be liked one hellva lot more! Also, let's say that by chance, you like a song that gets played on the radio (That you didn't 'discover' 6 months before), what do you do then? Call it a 'guilty pleasure'? Pretend that you hate it? I mean, come on! In 5 years time, tops, you'll realise what a fool you were and you'll have missed out on some great pop songs! Don't do that! 

By all means, listen to 'unfashionable' bands, please, do, but don't be so mean to people who don't (Or can't) go to indie gigs or spend all their time looking for new bands on myspace. It's not cool, it's not clever, and it's not 'alternative'.

So if you don't mind me, I'm going to go to my room and sing along shamelessly to Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy and other such 'mainstream' rubbish. Why? Because it's bloody good music.

From, me.

P.S.: Here's a quote for you. “If for one minute you think you're better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about.”
-Gerard Way

4 || x

[21 Mar 2009|10:15pm]

dear you,
you're one of my best friends and i think you should know that the new haircut you're so excited about makes you look ten pounds heavier

Dear mum, [21 Mar 2009|07:04pm]
Would you be mad if I told you what I REALLY want to do? I'm sure you would. The thought that I'm not sure that I want to go to uni would tear you up, I'm sure. But it's true.

If I'm honest, then I don't know what it is that I want to do. All I know is that I love writing. Whether it's songs, poetry, stories, anything that allows me to express how I feel or to imagine a better life than the one I already have. You don't get that. You can't understand why I'm forever quoting my favourite lyrics and my favourite books. Why I'm always scrawling through various notepads (On a side note: I need a new one), why I'm always on my guitar or piano.

I told you that I want to be a journalist. Well, I don't. I love facts, but not those kinds of facts. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve (And I still bear most of the scars)and I want to inspire others to do the same. I want to help people come to terms with who they are without them having to resort to therapy. I want my writing to mean something to someone. Anyone. God, this sounds so cheesy, but that's what I want.

I've never wanted a conventional life. My friends have always reckoned that I'll fall head-over-heals for a guy in a band at a show, run off to Las Vegas with him and get married, then get pet cats instead of kids, for God's sake! And that's okay with me. I'm fine with me being the girl with the coffee mug, sitting in her flat writing on her laptop and guitar stuff that will strike a chord with one 15 year-old in the most remote town in America. And again, that's okay with me. Is it cool with you? Thought not.

I know you want what's best for me. And I respect that. I do, I swear. But I can't live out the life you want for me if it's not who I am.

I'm sorry if I seem like a failure, but I guess then that's just who I am. And I'm happy with who I am, so I'm not going to be changing any time soon, so you better get used to it.



[11 Mar 2009|11:40pm]

Dear Ryan,
i'm sorry. no, thats not how i wanted to start this. but i am. i'm sorry that i cant say these things out loud.
honestly i'm just trying to get some cheap therapy. and I think that if I write it down. it's one step closer to saying it out loud. and after i say it out loud, i can say it to you.
i'm scared that you're going to leave me. i feel like i can't be comfortable until we hit a year. when we hit a year i know you wont leave. but i know in the back of my head i will still be thinking that you will leave. you'll leave me like everyone else. well thats not true.
but you will stop loving me. and i dont even know that you do love me. i just, i dont want you to stop caring. this is coming out all wrong.
i want to tell you that i love you. no other word could describe what i feel when i'm around you. when you aren't around i feel horrible. when i think about you not being there, i know that my life will cease to exist. because nothing will ever replace this feeling when im with you. it's like i finally feel whole. there is no longer a gapping wound in my side when youre around. i wake up, and i get out of bed because i know that one more day will bring us closer together. one more day and i'll be closer to being older. and knowing more about you. and coming one step closer to some time when i will no longer have these doubts about you leaving in my head. i know its going to be you. because before i had you, i dont even know what i did. i would cling onto anything that gave me a reason to live, if only for a few weeks. and now that i have you, i couldnt imagine ever going back to that way of life.
you make me want to do things. you make me want to quit smoking, for you. you make me want to lose weight, for you. so maybe i would feel more worthy of having you. but that shouldnt be the case. i deserve you, i waited 5 years at least. with you always in the back of my mind. i knew you would be there for me eventually, i just had to get to that point. and now that i'm here i am so scared. i am so scared to open up to you, to bring down the last barrier that i think is keeping me sane, but it's really just making me more crazy.
if i had one wish, i would make you happy. i wish i could just erase all the pain in your life right now. i want to reassure you that everything is going to be okay. but how can i say that when i have no control over it? i want you to find a job, i want you to be happy. and healthy. and i want you to get a good night's sleep when im with you.
this sound so ridiculous, but i just want to live happily ever after with you.
and i know when this fairy tale ends, i'm just going to give up.
and i cant let that happen.

[08 Mar 2009|07:16pm]

Dear Self,

He's so far gone and out of reach, that the stars could touch him, and you no longer could.
Just forget about it all.  You have a wonderful boy talking to you, and you watch your cell phone screen blink with the first text from him today.
Maybe he could brighten the rain.

Dear B, [04 Mar 2009|11:46pm]

Your a racist bitch and i am tired of you. from now on im gonna be the mature one and everyone is going to look at you stupid.

Your so ignorant, [04 Mar 2009|11:35pm]

You are obviously the most un cultured person i know. you sit there and says it ok to say offensive shit and your so completely wrong that i dont know what to say. You say that you would argue and dont agree with some of the things that i do bcause obviously you come from a broken amily that doesn tknwo anything a bout sticking together. i cant even look at you you selfish maniac bitch!! seriously go kill yourself and get the fuck out because you sound retarded.

ugh [04 Mar 2009|09:32pm]

dear me,

what in the fuck were you thinking? taking bars and then pouncing on your ex, telling her you love her? now you've got thirteen people on you at anygiven moment ready to kick your ass, and you can even REMEMBER!
you REALLY did it this time.
you fell right into her trap when she told you she overdosed, you knew she was trying to pull you in and you fucking took the bait anyway.

you are so much smarter than this, stop doing fucking drugs and stop trying to be captain save-a-hoe.


p.s. go to fucking class.

[27 Feb 2009|05:12am]

[ mood | tired ]

Dear L,

My biggest regret is that I didn't ruin your life like I really wanted to. Even worse you kind of left a bad imprint on my life and I probably didn't even make a fucking dent in yours.

I wish I'd stop writing to you,


[23 Feb 2009|04:35am]

Dear Adam,
I have noticed that you haven't been calling me, and I understand where you are coming from. I know you don't want to hurt Tom, and I respect that. In fact, I am impressed by your loyalty to your friend, and I would never ask you to ruin a friendship that you have had for so long. Also, the fact that you are roommates takes everything to a level more complicated that you should have to deal with. Whether Tom is wrong or right, which we both know he is wrong, doesn't change the fact that you care about him and don't want to hurt him or have him make trouble for you, which I totally understand.

I would like to know, even if you don't want to pursue anything now, if you still have any of the feelings you had for me that night we were together and if you have interest in hanging out when/if Tom is out of the picture. You are the first person I have had any kind of feelings for at this school, and I really do enjoy your company and want to get to know you better. I would like to know if you reciprocate that feeling, regardless of what you think you should do about it.

I think about the nice things you said to me all the time, and even if this never works out, I know what happened between us wasn't just sex. And for that in itself, I am grateful.


[20 Feb 2009|10:36pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Dear self,

Stop whinging about things!! Just enjoy things and stop worrying for once.

Me. :)


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