tonight I went to 2 bonfires. after a boring couple of hours, I suggested popping into my ex boyfriend's house. (note: I haven't seen nor spoken to him for over a year). so my friend calls him up and asks to come over. of course, he had no idea that I was tagging along.
so here is the whole experience. I must say, I'm mighty proud of this. I'd love any feedback regarding the emotions, ideas, images projected in this and if they were projected ok. it's rather long, though. so I'll put it in a cut.
you came skipping through the driveway. you didn't see me. you didn't see the smirk creep over my face when I opened the car door. for a moment, it seemed like I was only a stranger to you. that's almost been my greatest fear. and when your arms reached across me and your hand brushed my stomach, I didn't know whether or not I wanted you that close. you always were the clingy type. I didn't shake you off, though. I knew you liked to get your way.
and so, here it comes again. where the whole world crashes down on me over some meaningless conversations and sideways glances with somebody I don't think I know anymore. and you stood there, looking up at the stars. of course, most of that black sky was glazed over with clouds and puffs of cigarettes. but weren't you so f.u.c.king beautiful.
carried on with our words about the latest gossip, the music, the cities. oh didn't we love the cities once? not the same ones anymore. I suppose you were dreaming on some other girl's bed about how wonderful your lives would end up. and the places; the people you would see. I knew that I would never be included in those kind of late night talks in the glow of the screen again. what's in the past, is past. I'm not even allowed to fucking dream about it.
I shouldn't have told you all that I did. (you say I'm too damn forward.) and then you kept on about some girl that I've known since elementary school. how could you know her like I do? you didn't see my look of disappointment as I shook my head in silence. of all the people I reminisced with that night, you were the fondest to me. but I don't think it mattered anymore because I was already feeling guilty for showing my face. why should I hold your attention for a mere second? I know it only makes me jealous. I hear too much, think too much, love you too much.
did you know that you still make my world spin? you also break my bones. you gave me a look like you might actually give a damn, but you wandered into the next room and called whichever girl you loved in that moment of time. I was angry that it wasn't my phone that had rung.
I threw up my hands in defeat and stomped out the door. did you even say goodbye? you might have. but my ears were all steamed up. I'm sorry if I didn't listen through the open doorway as everyone waved.
the ride home was a nervous sort of awkwardness. maybe I shouldn't have openly suggested coming out there tonight. maybe if I just would have stayed home, I would never figure you out. it would have been for the best. after all, what the world doesn't need is one more heart breaking under street lamps and freeway signs.
I'm sorry. (can you count how many times I told you that? I think somewhere near 79 in one hour.) but you can't blame me for trying. I have no purpose even starving for you. I was the one that left, remember? I gave up a beautiful boy because I couldn't be the best friend introduced to the girlfriend; the dark looks and curled lips. please give my regards. let her know I don't spit on the ground when she walks by, if that means lying through my teeth.
there will be no more "I miss you's" or "tell me, is she better?" from this end of the line. I'll leave it off the hook. I know you wouldn't call anyways, but it will be hanging there even so; and I love you even so.
it'll be just as quiet when I leave as it was when I first got here.
I don't expect anything....take care.