I wish I need just what to say to you. Because it feels like when I'm around anybody else, at school, normal- basically not around you, I can just act like I'm not thinking about it, that I'm not thinking about you, or what you said to me last. But when I am around you, I can't hep but have that feeling in my stomach, my heart skips a beat, and my expression flickers for that brief second- just a second before I go back and pretend like I don't care again. Even as I write this letter to you, a letter I'll never send, or let you see, I feel breathless, heavy, lightheaded.
You sat next to me again today. We acted and joked around as always, this coquettish relationship that we have. Except now, I feel different and confused; I can't laugh the same with you. I have that nagging in my head. Why did that "nothing" have to happen? Even after over 3 weeks, I still have all these unanswered questions. Before, it was so easy- you had (and still have? I don't even know anymore) a girlfriend. Simple. And I stopped having those almost everyday little chats with you, and those cute text messages back and forth throughout the day stopped too. I didn't do those smile-sigh-shrug's anymore when your name came up. But I kept it all inside; I wasn't allowed to act the same around you. But the thing is, I was the one who acted different, not you. And that was awkward, but okay, I guess, and I don't think I would've minded after a while, except for you being so incredibly difficult for me to read. I don't know if you're playing games with me, and I don't think I even want to.
You came looking for me that night last week. I could see you out of the corner of my eyes. But, of course, I pretended not to see you peeking through the door at me. You sat down with me, wrote your name under my heart. Touched my arm when you wanted to tell me something. And when you left, you grabbed my arm in one of the gestures that makes me think something else, feel something else. Like that I didn't for one second feel crushed when I walked into the room and saw you and her that night, three weeks ago. I don't think that I feel sad about that, I'm just so confused by your actions.
Am I supposed to still keep up my facade with you? It's hard, especially since I think I was supposed to stop thinking about all this a long time ago. And I think was done with it all, but then I felt like being normal again and finally just talked to you. Was I acting stupid? But moving away from this is getting harder each day. Maybe I think that if I hold on to a little piece of that "nothing" that was, it'll come back. That feeling will come back. I'm conflicted between pretending to find somebody(s) else and still typing to figure you out.
But deep down, I know I still miss it all. That "nothing", that I call it. I don't know if this is going to become a bittersweet memory, but I know I don't want any regret.