all i can say is that i'm sorry. even though you just told me that sorry doesn't make a difference. i never meant to make you sad by being down myself. i love you so much. i drive myself crazy. but baby, you can't blame me. always rethinking everything you say, hoping it's not just a bunch of empty, meaningless lines so you'll have a girl to fall back on.. granted we've been together for over eight months. [[i love you so much]] but i can't help a thing. you've cheated on me, you've lied to me.. you promised me that was the last time. that you were all mine. you gave me a ring... but maybe that didn't mean a thing. it was your birthday. two days before mine. you were out with some old friends of mine. you ended up in the backseat with someone i used to trust. you kissed each other. meanwhile i'm out with a boy. he took me for a milkshake and a late trip to wal*mart. nothing happened. i feel that it's not fair. it's not fair that you've gone out and had your fun. [[even though you pay dearly after]]. it's not fair that it never fails to be me who is stuck at home wondering what you say to people and what you think of me and what you're doing when you're with your friends. it's not like it was the first time happening to me. but you're a heartbreaker. i did nothing to deserve any of it. any of the lying. the cheating. i should not have been in my room crying. i shouldn't be so hard to trust you. you're the love of my life. my best friend. my confidante. my boyfriend. my future. yet i have a hard time believing the things you say.</font>
all of this took place long ago.
but it still hurts.
how do you think i feel when i walk into a room and i see the girl you kissed. the girl i used to go to shows with. the girl who used to be a good friend. the girl that would come to me crying when her boyfriend fucked up. over the span of several months. me and her. theatre chairs. her head on my shoulder. me being honest and telling her everything.
[[more and more friendships get ruined this way]
i can't even think what to write.
i love you.
like no other.
and i want everything;;
friday nights, lunch meat fights, the left side, sinatra, the pizza, the river...
i want it all.
everything that we discuss.
we're so keen on the future.
i'm sorry that i make things difficult with my stupid fucking emotions.
[[you know i couldn't help but have some vulgarity!!!]]
but sometimes i just don't think i should be the only one suffering. and you shouldn't think that it's alright.
because i won't pretend that i'm alright...